I've been awake for a while now...

Calm dreary mornings when you were always
With me in my thoughts
And not in my arms.
A Sleeting silver afternoon when everything
is opposite.
French Vanilla
Spring nights warm and heavy
Filled with chances
And slippery ponds.

Nowhere else.

This is my home.
The scent of rain on aluminum
Sunshowers over the growing grass and crisp blacktop driveway
That I have traced every crack to.
A front porch of well worn, sun bleached wood
Accustomed to our summer routine.
Chasing fireworks.
Deep magenta skies.
That one star.
Nowhere else.

Turn

I wasn't doing it on purpose.
It wasnt so much that I was changing, it was just that everything else was staying the same.
Trapped between the same nothingness and that first step.
A tiny limited world of indifference.
Slowly dying.

And he said "Turn from your indifference!"
God is still in the process of redemption.

Far away eyes.

Singing the song that started it all.
I watched the world today.
With my eyes and ears open far too wide.
My mind being everywhere,
disreguarding everything considered "Important"
I wonder if she doesnt realize the selfish hateful sound of her voice,
or if she likes to feel intimidating.
Why we sit in opposite seats in heavy silence.
Double standards and revenge hanging in the air.
My far away eyes.
I still dont know what love means.

Mother.

I become her afterthought.
Noticing how the ones I love are either hurting me, or letting it happen.
Feeling stuck.
She is scared that if I leave, I might not miss her.
I haven't any reason to.
The only parts worth missing are long lost,
somewhere in my childhood.

Not even allowed a chance to explain.
That I matter.
Because apparently to her, I don't.
And I pray that God keeps me alive long enough to escape.
Because now, like every attempt before, is not the right time.
To be free.

Confusion.

Wake me up with cold dances in the river.
Laughing at the pile of garbage that lay behind us.
I may be the only one.

April

I'm living in this fast paced, big deal, nothing else matters type of teenage world.
And I, of all people, should have known this would turn out in imperfection.
I might always wonder.