I love to see you happy.

I like the quietness that comes over you when you concentrate. I like how you're small but strong. How you're constantly screwing up but you know what you're doing. You still say hello to me even though we're so different, and you're simple. I love how you don't worry. You don't keep things in. Our conversations are honest, even if they're not about anything. I can say things that make no sense and you just listen. I get happy when I see you. I love to see you happy.

The whole world looks different from the driver's seat.

Sometimes I sit in art class and wonder why the hell we're drawing something that exists already or something we could just take a picture of. And sometimes I really enjoy it, creating something. It's a peaceful satisfaction.

I think I'm going to disappear tomorrow.

Escape.

I am quiet; I don't need permission.
I am free, yet I am trapped.
I allow myself to be trapped,
Because someone has to care.

Anger

I don't know. I don't know. I feel old.
I can't even feel angry anymore.
I just want it gone, you to be gone.
I want your anger to go away.

Augustana

I feel like a stranger in this bed.
Afraid of the girl who used to lie here.
Everything was simple, even the hard parts.
We failed.

Questions

I found an old picture of us, oh my god.
You're the same, but I am a stranger.
How'd we get this way?

How we end up

Somehow I seem to end up with the guy who knows everyone's name.
He's used to being in control, and I'm just a girl on his side.
Cares more about having a pretty date more than he cares that it's me.
In the pictures we'll look happy.

Everything

Sometimes I feel like I am everything.
Sometimes I am nothing.
Especially on saturdays.
And it's so hard to come back to reality
And try to remember how to speak your language.
It's too big.

Look at me

I know her family isn't perfect, but just once I want my parents to look at me like that, so I can ignore them like that. I want them to look over and be proud of how I'm doing, so much that they can't find words for it. And not think that it's because of them, but just because of who I am. On my own. I want them to want me to be great. Instead of constantly asking me to settle, assuming the lowest of me. I want to be looked at like that.

Fix you

Just one more thing to stress about.
I don't know if I want to fix this.
The only version I've ever known of her is mean.
And if things change, it won't even be her anymore.
It's far too much to ask for her to be who I want.
And even if you miraculously find a way to fix this,
I will have lost the only part of her I ever had.
It's a sick kind of love.

Both of us.

I need to go to dance tomorrow.
Next tuesday is just one more thing to stress about.
One more uncomfortable parent conversation.
I didn't think anyone knew.

If I were you,
I would have asked me what was really wrong.
I would have been a friend.
I would have made her cookies and bought her nutella.
Or an icecream sundae.
Bought her movies, and told her everything would be okay.
I would have gone downstairs when I heard her crying last night and hugged her.
Because apparently, you knew about that too.
I would have listened to how she had such a horrible monday that it still hurt on tuesday.
And I would have told her I'm so sorry because If I were her, I wouldn't want to hear anymore excuses.
But I can't be both of us.

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive

We used to talk about music. And you reminded me of all the songs I had forgotten.
You were all those songs. I began to get butterflies in my stomach when I saw you each morning.
Butterflies. And we would actually try to do our art assignments. And some of them were actually really good. But not anymore. It's all shit now.
And I kind of hate you for changing, but sometimes I don't blame you.

Wrong.

I tried to go to sleep. I got so scared.
I remember when I listened to your favorite song, and I finally got it.
And every day, you're a day further away from me.
But I'll still feel like I have something to prove to you.
To prove to you that I'm awake now, and I get it, about the song.
And it's a selfish thing. You shouldn't have to come back and listen just because I finally realized the person I needed to be. I finally realized that I loved you.
Our timing was always wrong. Wrong.

Nothing in particular

Sometimes I swear, I can feel the entire universe moving.
Sometimes I get so bored with where I am, I just drift away into nothing.
Looking ahead at absolutely nothing in particular.

Criminal

I used to watch a lot of those crime shows like law and order, and I hated the way they speak to the criminals. I would say that no one deserves to be spoken to that way. So hateful, like they're the scum of the earth, even if they are. It would give me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I would feel like the criminal. And then I remember that some of those people aren't innocent. And I'm not sure what I think anymore.

Hated.

It's a battle you can't win.
A downward spiral that you don't even realize you've fallen into until you hit the bottom.
And it makes me so sick. I don't want to be touched anymore.
I get to a point where I can't tell the difference, it all seems evil.
And it won't leave me alone.

Get out of the way.

I woke up and thought I can't fucking do it again.
Because some friends would keep you around just to not be alone, just because you're the better option at the time, even when you have nothing at all in common anymore.
And some people would rather be alone than walk home with you.
Would rather be alone than make a simple nice gesture to someone having the worst day.
Because when you see someone who needs help, you don't stand there and stare at them, just waiting for them to get out of the way.
There is nothing that makes that okay.
Nothing's okay.