You cant talk to people like theyre nothing..

I dont want to be a wasted life.
But theres nothing I can do.


Or maybe theres everything, and I just lack the ambition, the confidence to accomplish it.

Remembering you, how you used to be.

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind

Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away

Into the night and through the rain

Into the half-light and through the flame

If I could through myself set your spirit free

I'd lead your heart away

See you break, break away

Into the light and to the day

Sweatshirts.

I wore your sweatshirt today. It actually isnt yours, because I never got the chance to give it to you. And you never had the chance to let me wear it. So I'm letting myself wear it. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But I remembered when you made up nicknames for us. You were a good thing then.

"Because it was something good that happened and he wasnt willing to let it go..."

I think I'm the type of person who has a lot of faith.
I have faith in people. But I don't know why.
Because all the people I've met have given me a reason to be dissapointed.
But I know that people have the ability to change their lives, if they find the strength.
And I think that is why I can have faith.
I have faith in love because I know it is good.
I'm not afraid of being in love, or even being hurt.
I'm afraid of what will happen if I keep on feeling nothing.

"I'm not broke, I'm just a broken hearted man"

I'm currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I love this book.

I remember in the fall and winter when I would sit in this room at night and think about how everything had become all the same, so mundane and empty. But there has to be something because I'm still here, still wondering.

My confirmation was yesterday evening. The bishop talked about how God has a plan for everyone. But I think that plans are only plans until they are turned into actions. And the actions are left up to us.
Unsuprisingly disrespectful, my dad complained how the service was boring.
And excessivly overreacting, my mother took too many pictures and talked way too loud.
They sat on opposite sides of the church with different people.
I dont think either of them congratulated me, unless you count the 'contratulations' written on my cake. They were pretty distracted with being the center of attention. My stepdad never said a word to me, even when I was right next to him at the reception. My sister told me she fell asleep. My 8 year old cousin gave me the biggest hug. My older cousin, my sponsor told me I did a good job. Oh, and the bishop told me he liked my hair. weird?
People gave me money and pretty cards. My aunt gave me lotion that smells good. My grandma gave me an angel necklace.
I bought my mom a book for mothers day. I think she'll like it alot. The title is Perfectly Imperfect, and I cant think of the author, but shes the wife of some news reporter, and I would check but I already wrapped it like four days ago because I was so excited that I picked out a good present.

I didnt mean for this post to be so long, but then I had all these thoughts.
I'll close with what I wrote in my journal on monday, may 4th.

I love you no matter what.

You made me feel special.

I want to feel infinite.

And the sunsets arent so beautiful when the people are so ugly.

We didnt light a candle for uncle Gene today. We should have. We should have every week, we shouldnt have stopped. We should remember.

I miss the pink sunsets on our street. I miss the way the christmas tree looked last year.
I miss driving slow. I miss going to the river. I miss doing my hair the way I used to.
I miss being inspired and passionate. I dont know who I am.

Revise and Restate.

The rescue was today. I couldnt make it, I wore my invisible children shirt though.
I had my retreat for my comfirmation today.
It was extemely warm out today.

I was told I was stupid today, and that the only reason people make donations for things is to get tax deductions and that apparently its not even worth it because you dont get completely reimbursed. I was told as if it was a common fact. Like the sky is blue, oh and people are cruel and only care about money and themselves. I'm sorry if I find it hard to believe the second one.

I believe that not everyone is stupid. People have the ability to change their lives.
I believe people should be respectful no matter what.
I believe that people should set good examples.

I would like to tell the guy who planned our retreat today, that I am so sorry we were somewhat out of control. I think we are used to dealing with people who dont care. About anything. I could see how you felt bad that we were not well behaved. You deserve the biggest apology, and I very much regret not saying this to you today. You cared so much about our faith, I dont think many people realized that. If they had, I'm sure everyone would have been so much more respectful. I'm sorry. I appreciated you organizing this retreat. I'm beginning to take this commitment seriously, thank you for helping me learn about it.

I was told about the donation/tax deduction thing by my stepdad ( he also told me about my being stupid ). I said that That's not why I would donate, if I wanted to donate to the diabetes research I would do it because I wanted them to find a cure for diabetes, not because it would save me money. And he says, The only reason people donate is to get tax deductions. He said it in such a way like I should feel stupid for not knowing that. And I was in tears as I was talking to him. They werent noticed though, maybe because it was dark. I thought that everyone knew that donations ar supposed to be for the benefit of other people, and if you dont do it for that then you would atleast lie. But to think that somone I know well can think that people are so terrible at heart. To think that this is the person who is married to my mother, the father of my half brother. It horrified me. I didnt say anything to him after that.

I look up alot to my grandma mary.
I helped her for some of my community service.
Its pretty amazing how people can say so much with so few words.
To me she is an example of respect and faith and courage and hope and strength.
I think about how my stepdad seems to have had a pretty tough life, from what he tells me.
My grandma Mary has had a tough life I would say, and she is the most honest, respectful, faithful person I know. It takes alot of strength and faith and hope to be that.
I am thankful that I have her to look up to.

To my dysfunctional family:

I think that we could have given more than $5 to the collection in church today.
And I think we could have gotten through the day with out arguing.
I think you could care about something larger than you, larger than us.
But I also think you might die without making a significantly good impact on anything, or anyone.
Maybe I am naive, but why shouldnt we live for something, someone else?
You dont have much of a life. I'm sorry, but I take it personally that your own children are not enough to get up in the morning and do something for. Or atleast talk to.
I am not a chore, not something to be taken care of because it has to be.
You are not providing happy environment for me to live in, hence I am not happy.
Honestly I feel taken for granted, and insulted that you cant even make up simple conversation with me.
I've realized that this entire family is incapable of communicating with anyone in any way, and I am offended by that.
Its pathetic that you still think sending me to my room is acceptable punishment, because all it has resulted in is this post. Which you might never see.
I think you should have offered to help me write my confirmation essay today, because I really needed help.
I think you should have talked to me about this faith that I've been learning about.
I think that you should have set a respectful and responsible example for me.
And, I think that it is not to late, but as of now I am not proud at all to call you my parents.

And you know, I was beginning to think I was the problem. But I can only bend so much for someone who does appreciate me.