It's been a while

I feel like I'm literally losing my mind. I can barely think or breathe. I feel anxious and constantly unsettled and I have trouble thinking positively. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I always feel sick to my stomach. Thinking of the future literally scares me to death. I can't focus or function at all. I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. Someone please tell me HOW everything changed so fucking fast and out of nowhere. How am I supposed to keep the same when everything has changed. More importantly, how am I supposed to change and keep up when I liked myself the way I was? I don't know how to keep moving on with my life without losing my whole self. I don't know how to still be the same person when almost everything has changed. I don't know how to still be happy. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about anything. And I don't know what to even do about that.

What happened

Its not even like we're going in separate directions. I'm going and you're not and it can't stay that way. I used to think so much of you. I always told you I think you're great. And you really just ruined it. I dont think of you the same way. And I love you but I don't know what to say when you tell me I mean the world to you. And you say you want a future but you really don't act like it. You talk about the future like it's so far away but it's not you have to work toward it now. And if you need help then ask for it. But I'm not about to tell you what to do like a parent. Get your fuckin act together. I don't know how else to say it.

Christmas Eve Strangers

When you feel more comfortable around strangers than people who know you.
When you can't trust the people you're supposed to.
And you begin to question everything.
A friendship you thought would always be there is ruined so quickly.
So easily. And you moved on better than you thought you would.
When you long for being alone and nowhere.
It would be so easy to leave all of you behind.

Maybe it was genuine. When I touched your hair and you cried.
I won't regret giving you a second chance. I already don't.

Fucked up

I hate how you get fucked up all the time.

I always thought you would look at me differently,

But I never thought I would be the one to change my mind.

I don't care. I'm paranoid and jealous and fucking crazy.

So I hope you're happy.

Because I realized that without you I'm alot better.

I would be fine. It only took 3 days to get over you.

And I meant what I said, We have different standards.

Because I look at you sometimes and wonder what kind of girl I am.

Ballet

I miss ballet. I miss smelling like a dance studio- like sweat, and broken in shoes, the metal from the bar, and something more. I miss the cold bar on my hot hands and body. I miss stretching and feeling long and tall. I miss the structure. The Quiet. The noise. I miss being so thirsty, and water tasting so good. I miss improving. I miss having a place to go for me. Not for school, not for work, not for anyone else. I might not ever be in the Nutcracker or swan lake but I like ballet and it reminds me who I am. Who I am without anything else.

Kid cudi and Dirty Couches.

I'm so over those good times.
I was sad but it's not sad anymore.
In fact, I can't remember what was so great about them.
That should make me sad but it doesn't.
Those friends were fun but they drifted away.
Except for the one that ruined everything.
But you don't understand, that doesn't even make me sad anymore.
Because I'm so over it. It's just how it is.
And I have things to do.

My sister thinks I'm a "fake bitch" too.
But that's cool. Just because I accused her of stealing my make-up.
And she writes terrible things on the internet about me. And that's cool too.
And people agree to it too. People I dont even know. But that's okay.
I mean it bothers me (and confuses me). But what am I gonna do?
When I realized what she was even talking about I thought
"Yeah, I guess I'm a bitch. Get the fuck over it, or atleast call me out on it."
And that's probably the bitchy way to respond to it too.
But I dont care. I have things to do.

I'm a little insulted that all she could call me was a fake bitch.
I'm alot of things but that doesn't really explain anything, or hurt me at all.
Maybe like self-centered, or passive-agressive, or cranky? All of those would really work. But calling me a fake bitch is just lazy.

College

In the long run I don't think it will matter wether or not I had the experience of going away to college. Because really, that's not the reason why people go to school. I mean it would be alot more fun, but maybe I just won't get the chance to do it. And thats okay.

Neck kisses

I love your neck kisses
In my moms house
Watching the snow outside
It's like you can't help it.

Favorite

Too passionate for my own good.
You say the same things as everyone else, except I believe you.
It will hurt so bad to forget you.
When I can't remember what you smell like
Or how you taste, or the way your lips feel
How soft your skin is and your fingertips at my waist
Your smile and your eyes and the sound of your exhale.
Your freckles. Your hair and how I'm the only one you let play with it.
Your clamy forhead. Your princess room. All of your stories.
Your voice is my favorite sound.
You're my favorite.

Heavy

I feel so heavy.