new year

I'm trying to think of a new ears resolution.
so far i've thought of pretty simple ones:
Be honest
get a job
make new friends who actually appreciate me.
keep my room clean(ish)
go to an awesome concert
find a boyfriend?
get good grades

whats your new years resolution?
tellll me, I need to hear from some new people.

I need to get out of here.

Its not awful, I guess.
But I feel like I'm wasting away.
its cold.
I want to start over.

I'm hoping 2009 will be a better year.

I didnt do anything I said I would today.
My dad stayed home from work.
And so I slept in really late.
I'm pathetic. I need a change.
I hate winter. So much.
I always feel this way in the winter.
awful.
I dont know why.

I need to get away.

I feel like I'm bigger than all this.
Like I could leave it all behind with no regrets.

I'm going to go for a walk tomorrow.
I'll wake up at a decent hour and make breakfast for me and emma.
And I need time for myself. Because I never get any.
And then I'll make plans, and follow through on them.

Growing up sucks.
I hate how the seasons change.
I want to live in florida.
I cleaned today.
I'm too tired to go into detail about how my day went, but it was awful.
Its not worth it.

Happiness

Define it for me please.
Whats your definition of happy?
Leave a comment (:


I'm thinking of florida.
I should have taken more pictures.
Because I only have the memories now.
I want to go back so bad.
Because I'll never be that way again.
So free.
I've lost myself, who I used to be.
And I'm tyring so hard to find that girl.
But theres no way.

Stay Awake.

Everything seems to happen so fast around christmas.
And I never feel like I'm ready.
I hate winter.

So here are my plans. My dads house for tonight, and then julies tomorrow, and then back to my mom's and then dinner with the neighbors.

I decorated my room last night. I printed out picture of me and my friends and things I liked and hung them up in my room. theyre tacked to the walls, and taped up all over the place. i love it. it reminds me to be happy. it took all night, so I didnt get any sleep again.
I want to take a photography class. But I cant until my senior year, I think. Because I'm taking child psych this year and next year. But I like that too.

The wedding singer is on TV. (:

How's your halo.

I never believed you. I only wanted to.


I had a few anxiety attacks today. And I wasnt even having that bad of a day. My friend lauren made me this really good bread. and I was doing okay with all my classes (kind of). Even interims (I have 70s in 2 classes, which my parents wont be happy about)(eventhough thats a really good grade for those classes) didnt bother me. The only things that bothered me were walking in the cold, and having to pee really bad in the middle of a class which the teacher wouldnt let me go.
And then I get home and I really dont feel good, because getting only 2 hours of sleep the night before because of an english project can do that to a person. And so I watch a movie, start my global project thats due tomorrow, and drink some tea. 5:00, my mother is home, with my sister and my brother. And all I can hear is my mom dropping F-bombs like there is no tomorrow and stuff falling in the garage. And then my sister takes my brothers hat and he starts screaming. And she wont give it back to him. and im sitting there curled up on the couch with a ginormous project in my lap, curled up in a blanket, with a pen in my hand. And she tells me that if its bothering me that much that i should go get his hat myself.
Well that just about ruined my day. Little things like that can happen to someone who is sleep deprived. And Meanwhile, my mother is still yelling. (nothing out of the ordinary). and so i take all my shit, turn off the movie, and go up to my room. Thats when it started. I threw my bag on the floor, and my stuff flies everywhere, and my phone breaks into about 5 pieces. and then i drop my tea mug onto the floor. and then I just stand there and turn on the old hilary duff Cd i had in my cd player ( I know, I'm old school). and then, of course, my sister (of all people) tells me that my mom wants my change from the lunch money she gave me this morning. And at that point I was way too anxious to even think straight. And so I take my old school Cds into the bathroom so i can take a shower and try to compose myself. And then my mothers voice comes up the stairs. she really needed my change from lunch, I guess. She's like frantic. And I've learned that I cant change that, and the best I can do is try to block it out of my mind. But I couldnt at that point, and when I go up the stairs to my room, I collapse on them and sit there sobbing. But I get the change to my mother and head for the shower.
It took me an hour and a half to feel like myself again.
And then I went to say goodnight to my brother.
He is the sweetest kid. I think he deserves a better mother.
But he doesnt fall asleep, like he doesnt every night. and my mother starts yelling. right then. Like she has no heart. It kills me to hear it. Like it breaks my heart and scares me to death. And I remember that I used to hear that same voice when I did something she didnt like. And then I hear my brother start crying. Not the same cry i heard when my sister took his hat. This is completely different. and it happens every night. more than once. He sounds hurt, and frustrated, and confused, and angry, and sad. All at once. And I know that so well. I've felt that way too many times with my mother.
I've learned that my mom doesnt tolerate crying. Tears, maybe. But not crying, sobbing, the kind where people need to be comforted.
And she says to him- STOP CRYING. GET IN BED. GET IN BED NOW. GO TO SLEEP.
and he just keeps on crying. And she somehow thinks that yelling louder will make him listen.
I think, she should have learned from experience with two other children. But my mother doesnt take time for other people. she never has. Not for the ones that matter, anyway. not for me.
And after listening to this for an hour, I couldnt find headphones in time to block out the noise before i started crying. I cried for my brother. And that there was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could say to my mother to make her stop. And all I can do is try to give back what she takes from him.
But there's really no way I could ever make up for the lack of compassion in a parent. There is no way.
And I know exactly how he felt. How you want to talk, but you cant calm yourself. And you want to tell her to stop, but you cant get the words out. And its all you can do to just breath, in and out. And it takes courage just to do that, just to breathe. And it feels like its never going to end. Its a battle you can never win. I know that all to well.
And I'm learning about parenting in the child psych class I'm taking in school.
And it teaches people not to do every thing that my mother does.
and the thing they emphasize is to give your time and attention. and I cant really say that she does either of those.
I'm so tired of writing now.
I have to recompose myself still.

Stayed Home.

I fell down the stairs this morning. I felt really dizzy. I might have hit my head, but I dont remember. I stayed home from the service this morning because I couldnt see straight when I stood up. So now I'm writing this and doing my english homework. I have about 5 assingments for that class due monday. I wrote a mission statement :

I will treat others with the respect I want in return.

I will remember not to take things for granted.

I will accept others for who they are.

I will have the courage to be honest, confident, and step outside my comfort zone.

I will keep an open mind and a positive attitude.

I will apologize when I should.

I will make good decisions and work hard for what I want.

I will remember that no one is perfect, and when I fall I will get back up.

I will know that things dont always go the way I plan,

and I will make the best of it.

I will remember that sometimes I have to let things go,

and to never stop moving forward with my life.

I will know that I am a storng person.

And I have the choice to be happy.

what do you think?

I also have this poetry project where I had to pick 5 poems that I relate to, and explain why.

I picked a lot of poems about relationships, because they were easy to find, and easy to relate to. but theres also a few about the bigger picture, and choices in life, and stuff like that.

I have a busy weekend.

alot going on in my mind, but I'll handle it.

I always find a way...

this week was way too long.

I had a huge fight with my dad today.
And then I felt awful because he had to go out in the storm.
and then it stopped snowing, so I thanked God.
But I still dont forgive him.
I know thats awful, but he deserves it.
It didnt scare me when he was yelling at me. Because atleast he was expressing something.
Something real instead of that fake smile he wears all the time, with that fake personality.
And I'll eventually just say to him, Kim is your girlfriend, start telling me the truth. Communication and respect are two-way streets.
And you know what, my dad sounded so much like my mother when he told me not to ask him for anything ever again. But I didnt tell him that. It was actually kind of funny to hear that they say the same things to me.
And that whole time it didnt bother me. Because I was leaving, atleast for the time being. To go to my moms house, and there was nothing he could do.

This week I learned that people in my family have more problems than I ever cared to realize. And that is really scary, that I could end up like that.
And actually, I had a breakdown a couple nights ago. Because I wanted to leave my life so bad. I wanted to leave this town, and all the people behind. and start somewhere new and become anything.

But, tonight I had to babysit my 2 year old brother. can you say terrible twos? yeah well, I finally got the courage to change another diaper, and he let me put him to bed for the first time. even though it was at 11:30 at night, i still felt accomplished.
And so, that was my week. and now its midnight, and I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the food pantry for community service for my confirmation.

Christmas is this week.
I'm excited (:





This was one of my favorite songs back in september.
It reminds me why I wouldnt go back.
It gives me a reason to keep moving forward.
Because my feelings have changed so much, but I remember them so clearly.
I like my feelings now. No feelings for anyone. No one to please but myself.
Was I meant to be alone?
I'm thinking that right now I'm too young to be worried about things like that.
Maybe I will find someone to spend my life with. And maybe I wont.
But either way I'll still find a way t be happy. I know that.

long day

my brother fell off the stairs on sunday. he got rushed to the ER, and I was the last to know. He is okay, just a minor concussion. But I still should have known.
My convesation with my sister goes like this:
(I am not exaggerating)
"wheres mom?"
"shes not home."
"Where is she?"
"Theyre at the hospital."
"Why are they at the hospital??"
"JJ fell down the stairs"
"oh my god is he okay? when did this happen?"
"I dont know, this morning."

And this afternoon my mother tells me that he almost died, wasnt breathing, and she had to give him mouth-to-mouth. But he is okay now.
And my mother thinks im anemic. and the talk of blood in the car almost made me pass out, on top of knowing that my brother almost died the day before, and that my dad is slightly depressed, and my mother having a mood swing not even 5 minutes later.

And I had so much work. We had school today, even though half of the students & faculty still did not have power because of the ice storm on friday. And my friend mackenzie had to stay with me last night because her house was 30 degrees.
And I'd like to say thata she's my best friend. But best friends dont keep secrets from eachother, or just not tell them things, or talk about them behind their back, or completely ignore them and disreguard what they say. No, best friends dont do that. And I dont have a best friend.

And I still really dont feel good.
So yes, It was a long day.
You know what, I think I'm gonna watch waitress tonight. Because I feel like shit. and thats what I did last time I felt awful.

'and as simple as it sounds, I think I've found the perfect way to grow old.'

so theres an Ice storm. And trees might fall through my bedroom roof. and yet I'm sitting in here writing. im smart.
anyway. I'm attempting to clean u my room. or atleast organize the mess.

Okay so my hands are shaking. That might have something to do with drinking and energy drink, and coffee, and having only a cookie for breakfast, at noon. niceeeeeeeee.
well its a snowday. (:
I'm going to my friend's later for her sweet sixteen.
It's really pretty outside. its sunny, but the trees are all covered in ice, and its like sparkly.


I've been learning how to deal with things when the go wrong. I'm learning what to say to keep everything under control. I have alot of patience with stuff, and I dont like getting mad. And I'm starting to learn who I am and What I want.
I've learned that nervous breakdowns are a pattern in my life.
I think I have everything under control, and then one little thing shows up that says I have it all wrong. And there I go, a mess on the floor. But I guess thats justhow I handle stuff.
I've learned most recently that I dont forgive people for things, as easily as I forget them.
Not even forget, its more like I push it from my memory, but its still there.
I think what really bothers me is that some things are so out of my control.


And I know that the world is so much bigger than it seems right now.

I already know that nothing is ever perfect, and that things go wrong. I've been trying not to make things more difficult than they need to be. Honesty is important to me. Most people let me down when it comes to that. I let myself down frequently. I cant trust many people. and that is partly my fault for not being willing to trust. I let people hurt me over and over.
I've learned that I love my mom and my sister so unconditionally that I continue to let them tear me down time after time. I couldn't risk losing relationships like that. I dont know why I ever did...
I dont understand why my life would be so much easier without some people, but I still couldnt stand to lose them.

I think I am scared to death of being hurt. I think I am scared of falling in love also. because I've turned away from any chance I've had. And the one time I didnt, it was all a waste of my time. maybe I'm afraid of wasting my time again.

speaking of wasting time.... I should be cleaning my room, and getting ready to go out.

Well, I didnt really mean for this post to turn into a 'self evaluation' but I guess it did.

another

I cant even remember now,
and that doesnt bother me.
Those memories hold too much pain
too much emptiness
It all was a figment of my imagination.
And Maybe I'm not happy with my life.
Who is anymore?
I can live with discontent
as long as it gets me somewhere.

I'm going, I'm gone.

cant sleeeep.

I was thinking of the last time a was honestly happy.
And I ended up writing a poem.
It wasnt meant to be a poem, but it turned out that way.
I had to get this all down somewhere. I cant believe I've held on to it for this long.
I thought of summer 2007 when I was 13 and I took a plane to florida with my best friend and her family. This boy, however was not in florida, or new york. maryland. And it seemed so unreal at the time, so I just said anything I wanted.

And I finally woke up from that dream. Or maybe it was a nightmare?



I just wanted to be happy. and I was.
That time went by so fast. And everything changed so fast.
I didnt want to fall in love.
I dont know exactly what I wanted.
But I was happy then.
I remember smiling against my pillow before I fell asleep.
I was happy where I was.
And it wasnt because of him.
He wasnt there.
I remember how I never wanted to answer my phone when he called.
I hated being so tied down.
Tied down by an 'I love you'.
And I dont know why I said it back.
I didnt feel that way.
But he said forever.
And at first that was a comfort.
To think that somebody would be there for ever.
I wanted to believe that.
But I doubted it.
And I dont know why I said it back.
That forever is gone.
Gone with all the words we never meant
and the promises we knew we couldnt keep.
And I was in too deep.
He said I was his world. I was his angel. He could not live without me.
He would die for me. He would marry me. He would hold me in his arms.
He said I was beautiful.
But he didnt know.
He says, "there was no way of knowing."
"Fate had conspired against us"
This isnt fate, We brought it upon ourselves.
Our fate was just to create heartache.
Unecessary

There was no easy way out.
I had to leave him behind somehow.
He couldnt even say the words.
Coward
My actions spoke louder than his words.
they were screaming goodbye.

I might not have moved on.
But I'm ready to.

I've moved past everything that used to hurt.
The thoughts dont make me cringe.
I can think, 'yes, that was me.
it happened and now its over.'
And If I ever see him again
I will put on a brave face
and look right past him.
Because there is nothing to see,
except a boy who would never be who I wanted him to be.
He never belonged with me.
All that time slams together,
and implodes on itself.
to be forgotten.
That space it takes up in my head will be filled with new events.
People, and places, and moments, and ideas.

survey

(fill in the blanks...)

I would [sky dive] for [ 10000] dollars.
If I had a [band] I’d name it [i have no idea].
When I was [ younger] I was [ stupid].
My ex is such a [ liar]
Barack Obama [ rocks].
Love is [ blinding].
If I was drunk I’d be more likely to [ sing? ].
If I could make my own man/woman, he/she would have [a great smile ], [amazing sense of humor], and [ an open mind].
Everyone should take time to [relax ].
If I could create my own heaven for when I die it would [be lovely].
This survey is [ difficult] because [I deleted some of the questions because i had no idea what to put in them ].

how's your halo?

I had a really good day today. It was just good. Nothing spectacular happened. But it started with the morning (...well obviously most days start with mornings). But it was 50 degrees outside. which is amazing compared to the 20 degrees it has been for too long. no winter jacket. it felt good. It reminded me of fall, and summer a little bit. I loved it. Its like calm before the storm. by the way, there's supposed to be a storm tonight/tomorrow morning. and then I had a really good day. I've learned to have a sense of humor when things are so depressing. It helped alot.

I still havent cleaned up from my nervous break down. But I dont relly want to. I like how my room looks now. It was so bare before. and empty. Now It actually looks lived-in. Like I actually live there. and I want the mess to stay there for as long as possible. this is my home too.

So I read this poem today in english. It was like "what if i want to be a rebel, a wanderer, girl with the world on her shoulders..." what if thats what I want? what if I dont want to be something that everyone else would appreciate, maybe I dont want to please other people. I would love to just say "fuck it all" and not care. but something always stops me when I start to feel that way.

Wow I just wasted like 2 hours. its 11. I wont be able to sleep again.

this song made me cry.

href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv_4P6TuigU">

"I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean.
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys,
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away,
and we talk and window shop 'til I forgotten all their names."

and thats when I cried. I havent had anyone to do that for me. and I still dont. But I am going to be that person for someone. I know I could be.

It kills me how she can be so honest. I wish I could be like that.

And to think that these are the people I am buying christmas presents for...

everyone is treating me like shit. When I leave my mom's she cleans out my room like I'm not coming back in 7 days. And when I leave my dad's he closes my bedroom door and forgets I was even there to begin with. And my friends treat me like all I am is a hassle, like I'm just an extra. But they are the only things close to permanent in my life, and so I keep hanging on to them.


So after completely breaking down last night, I havent fully recovered. And this day is not exactly helping. and I still have a shitload of homework. And I have to think about my future and who I am and what I'm going to be and what the fuck my goals are. and I have to clean my room because I trashed it yesterday during my panick attacks.

But I cant give up on being happy. at least thats what I keep telling myself. I have to keep getting up no matter how many times I fall down. I have to keep living no matter how many times I have a nervous breakdown.

sooo today was depressing

everything is so boring. The people in my life. The people I've always kept so close to me, dont mean anything at all I'm realizing. I want to be out of my comfort zone. I want to be so happy.
well, I'm working on it.

If people are reading this then leave a comment or something(:
I feel like I need to hear from some new people for once.

(:

So its been a good week. I havent written in a while. That's a good thing, because I tend to write more when I'm depressed or sad. I went black friday shopping this morning and I got a dress for the snowball dance next weekend. I tried to rearrange my room at my dads house. that didnt go well. I moved all the furniture around for like 3 hours and then i had to move it all back because it would only fit in the room one way. atleast i got some exercise... besides that I cleaned my entire room. and used like half a can of febreeze cause everything in my dads house smells funny. downside to my dad living alone every other week. Atleast as far as I know he lives alone. Oh and I helped my mom set up her friend shorties christmas tree on wednesday. Shortie is like a mother figure for my mom, and I've known her my whole life. She is the sweetest lady i have ever known, seriously.
My mom was telling me about her first love, and break up. It made me sad because her love was real. and her pain was real. And I want to feel that. Or atleast I wanted to. For now I just want to be happy. And I am, I want to stay happy. I want to go to the dance and have fun. And I will.
(: Goodnight.

im bored :)

. :START :.
1. Your gender: female
2. Are you liking someone: not seriously
3. Are you hungry:kind of
4. Are you bored: yes
5. Your birthday: nov. 4th
6. Age you wish you were: 17
7. The color of your hair: brown
8. Color you wish your hair was: pink :P
9. The color of your eyes:blue
10. Got any piercing: nope im too scored of needles =/
11. Want anything pierced: maybe my ears
12. Tattoos: nah
13. Who do you like: no one
14. Any siblings:yes, sister, half brother, step sister
. :HAVE YOU :.
15. Read the newspaper: funnies(:
16. Get told you're on crack: yepp
17. Talk to strangers: occasionally
18. Take walks in the rain: all the time
19. Drive: my moms teaching me (:
20. Like to drive: yes
21. Been out of the country: nope
22.Been in love: I thought I was.
23. Regret it: somewhat.
24. Gone skinny dipping: nahhh
25. Had a surgery: yup, minor sugery
26. Ran away from home: tried to once.
27.Played strip poker:nahh
28.Been loved: loved ... as in emotionally or physically...?
29. Been on stage:yup i used to dance when I was little (:
30. Slept outdoors: in a tent!
31. Made a Prank phone call: ahahah yes.
32. Pulled an all-nighter: yesss (:
33. Sleep Walked:yup, or so i've been told
34. Sleep Talked: ive been told soo
35. Cried yourself to sleep:yeah
36. Slept all day: yeahhh:)
37. Killed someone:nope
38. Made out with a stranger:nope
39. Had sex with a stranger:nope
40. Kissed someone:yup
41. Regret it:nope
42. Been betrayed: yup
43. Broken the law:uhhhm nope
44. Met a famous person: nope
45. Been on radio-tv: nope ):
46. Been in a mosh-pit: actually, no
47. Had a nervous breakdown: yes
48. Danced naked: yes, in the privacy of my room
49. Repeated Dream: I've had a few if a certain person was on my mind alot or something
50. Shoe brand you prefer:converse(:
51. Wear hats: only other peoples hats. like if we're hanging out and i feel like wearing their hat :P
52. Judge people: Sometimes i do, But i have a very open mind and my opinions change easily.
53. Listening To: actually im not listening to music right now.
54. Own 10 pairs of shoes:nah, nore like 6 or 7
55. Favorite place to shop: boscovs, kohls, american eagle,
56. Comfortable clothing:sweats:)
57. What's your style: im not going to lable myself, thank you verry much :)

. :BELIEVE IN:.

58. Miracles:yes
59. Angels:yes
60. Magic:yes
61. Ghost:yes
62. Shirt: what?
63. Birth: yeah?
64. Easter Bunny: of course
65. Cupid:sure
66. Sex before marriage: eh, whatever floats your boattt
67. The death penalty: no.
. :RANDOM:.
68. Best friends: 4muskateeeeers
69. Everyone lies : everyone poops.
70. Ying and Yang: twins
71. Love at first sight: alright
72. Remember your first love: mhm.
73. What do you find romantic: nothing fancy, as long as I'm happy.
74. Do you look at looks alone: no.
75. Flirt to get for attention: haha sometimes, but im a teenage girl so what do you expect?
76. Time goes by too fast: absolutely
77. Like someone: i might

. :LAST PERSON :.

78. That you laughed at: john
79. That laughed at you:john
80. Person that made you smile: john
81. You went shopping with: mom
82. To disappoint you: me
83. Last time you took shower: last night
84. To brighten up your day:friends (:
85. Person you kissed: dont remember, haha its been a while.
86. You Dumped : no one..
87. Food you ate: strawberry jolly rancher!
88. Talked to through IM: john
89. You Hugged: madre
90. You texted: i cant text ):
91. You were in love with: never been.
92. You Fought: i dont know. my mom?
. :FAVORITE:.

93. Food: chocolate
94. Girl: kenz
95. Boy: pshhh dont have one
96. Park: the one by my house (:
97. Sport: errr. yeahh right. hahh
98. Position: thats dirrrrty.
99. Pet: i dunno
100.Favorite Quote?: "im not sure what is a dream and what is real. or if real is a real word and if words even exist outside of our imagination..i still can't say for certain if falling asleep is opening your eyes in the morning or closing them at night. and im lonely. but not sadly. everybody is alone. i want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. and im not scared to be alive. these days more people are. money is an illusion. the world has been gaining some sort of momentum over "time" and every day it's spinning faster. we are growing up too quick. someday i'll start to. i write music because it feels like breathing. i sing because it is connection. i wish everybody would sing with me and without even gathering together sing so honestly that the songs could be carried on wind and heard at every point in the universe, even in translation. i wish there were no more bombs or bullets. and i wish we'd stop using politicians for negotiations. people are far too beautiful at heart to be introduced so cruelly into the blinding brilliant world. children. if there were to be a new beginning. would it all come out the same way again??"
-Jason Reeves
(I literally copied & pasted that from his myspace 'about me' so i guess its not really a quote. but whatever, I still like it.)

So, talk about long days.

i got peed on. Long story- I was babysitting my little brother. Giving little kids baths is not the easiest thing in the world...

Anyway, I wrote a poem for english class. And, usually im not good at poetry, but I like this one.

wow,

I just took this crazy quiz on sparks notes when I was trying to "study" for english, and it told me the date when I am going to die, and what age I'll be. Tuesday, October 23rd 2063 At the tender age of 69 years old. and it says I'll die from cancer, drowning, alien abduction, or a horrible accident. .... alien abduction? wtf? But anyway, its just a stupid quiz. I have so much work to catch up on =/ I need to stop procrastinating

long day.

I've been sick since yesterday morning. And my father does not know how to take care of people. He told me that just because i was sick doesnt mean I can take out my anger on him.
But I'm not mad because I'm sick, I'm mad because he doesnt care, and he doesnt even try to pretend.
But whatever, I'll have to just live with that. Because theres nothing I can do, and nowhere for me to go.
Anyway, I'm going to school tomorrow. I would have rather been there today than stuck at home dealing with my father.

Maybe we could have been something. But maybe we were destined to create heartbreak.

I like the title I put for this post. (:

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there."

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." -Abe Lincoln

In the end we only regret: the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, & the decisions we took too long to make.

Try your best to break me, you cant break whats broken.

So I go to aol.com to check my email, and I end up reading this article about some guy who people think is a terrorist, but he's american, and he's apparently friends with obama?
I guess you could say that I am somewhat interested in politics. But really polotics piss me off. Nothing is ever fair, and people can be so closed minded.
Well whatever, I'm not about to get into a whole political rage.
So anyway, I'm going to my dads tonight for the week. Hopefully I'll have some plans for this weekend.

tired. its sleeping. freaking baby thingg.

so yeah, I dont plan on getting a full nights sleep tonight. not that I really would anyway. But I kind of like having this thing. It gives me something to do, and it keeps me busy, and it makes me think about babies.

Like how much do we really infuence a baby? And what do they think of the world? could I ever handle the responsibility of determining who a person is going to be? Is that really what parents do?



are people born with a destiny, or are we all just here, floating?

What is the point in askng a question like that? People seem to always be searching for that answer, but maybe we just werent meant to know. maybe there is no answer.



I want to have children when I'm older. I want to know what it feels like to love someone so unconditionally. I would try not to ever take them for granted. "for letting me experience the kind of love people frequently die for"- Stephenie Meyer, when writing a detication to her children.

its a boyyyy!

baby simulator for child psych class. Its not crying yet, sooo.

Yeah, Im bored.

boring day continues

I dont feel like talking to my friends right now. I just need to relax I think.
What I really want is to leave everything behind and start over, somewhere new. I know that's not possibly. But I'm only dreaming.
I get a babysimulator on thursday for my child psych class. That should be interesting...

boring day

so this is like my 3rd blog today?
i just took a nap, and I'm still tired.
its 2 in the afternoon. God, I'm lazy.

again,

I'm going to stop writing about memories and things that happened before.
I dont need to hang on to it, it will always be there in the past.

My arm is sore, and it hurts when I type.

Talk about bad days.
My mother basically criticised me all morning, I cried in the doctors office. The nurse comes in and she asked me about my diet and everything, and then she asks if I'm anxious or sad about anything. she asks me twice. and my mother answers for me, school is just stressful.
Like nothing else could be bothering me.

I remembered july, I was so much stronger then. I didnt cry, because I knew it would be over soon. I'm beginning to think that I change with the seasons.
I'm a summer girl.

I'm just gonna chill for now, I'll do homework later. I'm a procrastinator (:

After watching my recorded one tree hill an hour late...

I have to get a flu shot tomorrow morning.
Crazy, but it reminded me of the last time I got a tetnious shot, this past july, with a broken heart, and realizing that I had to just deal with the pain and it would be over eventually. But I have to keep getting flu shots over and over again. And I still feel the pain fromthat heart break over and over again, occasionally. I guess maybe I'll get used to it, to the point where I dont even flinch.
...takes time.

And incase you dont know, I am extremely freaked out by even the mention of a needle. So flu shots are a big deal with me.


Listening to: How I Could Just Kill a Man- Charlotte Sometimes
This song was basically the lullaby of my summer. Its what music video was always playing at 3 in the morning each night when I couldnt sleep.

So I think I'm going to read soon, and then fall asleep.
I've been reading That Summer by Sarah dessen and at first I thought it would be one of those cheesy stories about a summer romance and everything, but I figured I like all of sarah dessen's other books so I started reading it. Let me just say, that I am not dissapointed.

Okay, so after my little book review... I have nothing left to say. (:

Sunday night, cant sleep

Things just happen.
It'll all work out in the end.
I just have to keep telling myself that.

Remembered those akward silences.

And realized that your not really worth it.
I should care about thing more when I have them. But I dont have you anymore, and I cant waste anymore time regretting it. Theres nothing I can do but move on.
bye (:

"Nothing worth having comes easily"

Listening to: ellington

I love yous dont mean so much from far away, and neither do apologies.
even if they are well deserved. I guess life doesnt work that way.

I'm going to ask you, Did any of your 11:11 wishes come true?
Because I made a wish on a shooting star, and it came true. But that was a long time ago.

I wish I knew the truth.

"love is a wonderful thing until your standing all alone"

I should care about things more when I have them.

I'll remember to call you at 4 in the morning on your birthday. You will always be in my heart. And that hurts to think about, but theres nothing I can do. This is the way things are.

"but I had a bigger heart, I've had more room for you from the start and you cant believe your bones you had finally found some light in a dark world that doesn't like love.

If i was up in space hanging out with the stars, I'd look for the brightest one and know exactly where you are. Tonight without me by your side. I want to radiate like you do"

I made caitlin and erin watch elf with me tonight. it was over by 8 and we all fell asleep.

And I am going to leave these tears behind again. Because you dont care anymore, and we have new lives. But I bet this wont be the last time I cry over you.