new year

I'm trying to think of a new ears resolution.
so far i've thought of pretty simple ones:
Be honest
get a job
make new friends who actually appreciate me.
keep my room clean(ish)
go to an awesome concert
find a boyfriend?
get good grades

whats your new years resolution?
tellll me, I need to hear from some new people.

I need to get out of here.

Its not awful, I guess.
But I feel like I'm wasting away.
its cold.
I want to start over.

I'm hoping 2009 will be a better year.

I didnt do anything I said I would today.
My dad stayed home from work.
And so I slept in really late.
I'm pathetic. I need a change.
I hate winter. So much.
I always feel this way in the winter.
awful.
I dont know why.

I need to get away.

I feel like I'm bigger than all this.
Like I could leave it all behind with no regrets.

I'm going to go for a walk tomorrow.
I'll wake up at a decent hour and make breakfast for me and emma.
And I need time for myself. Because I never get any.
And then I'll make plans, and follow through on them.

Growing up sucks.
I hate how the seasons change.
I want to live in florida.
I cleaned today.
I'm too tired to go into detail about how my day went, but it was awful.
Its not worth it.

Happiness

Define it for me please.
Whats your definition of happy?
Leave a comment (:


I'm thinking of florida.
I should have taken more pictures.
Because I only have the memories now.
I want to go back so bad.
Because I'll never be that way again.
So free.
I've lost myself, who I used to be.
And I'm tyring so hard to find that girl.
But theres no way.

Stay Awake.

Everything seems to happen so fast around christmas.
And I never feel like I'm ready.
I hate winter.

So here are my plans. My dads house for tonight, and then julies tomorrow, and then back to my mom's and then dinner with the neighbors.

I decorated my room last night. I printed out picture of me and my friends and things I liked and hung them up in my room. theyre tacked to the walls, and taped up all over the place. i love it. it reminds me to be happy. it took all night, so I didnt get any sleep again.
I want to take a photography class. But I cant until my senior year, I think. Because I'm taking child psych this year and next year. But I like that too.

The wedding singer is on TV. (:

How's your halo.

I never believed you. I only wanted to.


I had a few anxiety attacks today. And I wasnt even having that bad of a day. My friend lauren made me this really good bread. and I was doing okay with all my classes (kind of). Even interims (I have 70s in 2 classes, which my parents wont be happy about)(eventhough thats a really good grade for those classes) didnt bother me. The only things that bothered me were walking in the cold, and having to pee really bad in the middle of a class which the teacher wouldnt let me go.
And then I get home and I really dont feel good, because getting only 2 hours of sleep the night before because of an english project can do that to a person. And so I watch a movie, start my global project thats due tomorrow, and drink some tea. 5:00, my mother is home, with my sister and my brother. And all I can hear is my mom dropping F-bombs like there is no tomorrow and stuff falling in the garage. And then my sister takes my brothers hat and he starts screaming. And she wont give it back to him. and im sitting there curled up on the couch with a ginormous project in my lap, curled up in a blanket, with a pen in my hand. And she tells me that if its bothering me that much that i should go get his hat myself.
Well that just about ruined my day. Little things like that can happen to someone who is sleep deprived. And Meanwhile, my mother is still yelling. (nothing out of the ordinary). and so i take all my shit, turn off the movie, and go up to my room. Thats when it started. I threw my bag on the floor, and my stuff flies everywhere, and my phone breaks into about 5 pieces. and then i drop my tea mug onto the floor. and then I just stand there and turn on the old hilary duff Cd i had in my cd player ( I know, I'm old school). and then, of course, my sister (of all people) tells me that my mom wants my change from the lunch money she gave me this morning. And at that point I was way too anxious to even think straight. And so I take my old school Cds into the bathroom so i can take a shower and try to compose myself. And then my mothers voice comes up the stairs. she really needed my change from lunch, I guess. She's like frantic. And I've learned that I cant change that, and the best I can do is try to block it out of my mind. But I couldnt at that point, and when I go up the stairs to my room, I collapse on them and sit there sobbing. But I get the change to my mother and head for the shower.
It took me an hour and a half to feel like myself again.
And then I went to say goodnight to my brother.
He is the sweetest kid. I think he deserves a better mother.
But he doesnt fall asleep, like he doesnt every night. and my mother starts yelling. right then. Like she has no heart. It kills me to hear it. Like it breaks my heart and scares me to death. And I remember that I used to hear that same voice when I did something she didnt like. And then I hear my brother start crying. Not the same cry i heard when my sister took his hat. This is completely different. and it happens every night. more than once. He sounds hurt, and frustrated, and confused, and angry, and sad. All at once. And I know that so well. I've felt that way too many times with my mother.
I've learned that my mom doesnt tolerate crying. Tears, maybe. But not crying, sobbing, the kind where people need to be comforted.
And she says to him- STOP CRYING. GET IN BED. GET IN BED NOW. GO TO SLEEP.
and he just keeps on crying. And she somehow thinks that yelling louder will make him listen.
I think, she should have learned from experience with two other children. But my mother doesnt take time for other people. she never has. Not for the ones that matter, anyway. not for me.
And after listening to this for an hour, I couldnt find headphones in time to block out the noise before i started crying. I cried for my brother. And that there was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could say to my mother to make her stop. And all I can do is try to give back what she takes from him.
But there's really no way I could ever make up for the lack of compassion in a parent. There is no way.
And I know exactly how he felt. How you want to talk, but you cant calm yourself. And you want to tell her to stop, but you cant get the words out. And its all you can do to just breath, in and out. And it takes courage just to do that, just to breathe. And it feels like its never going to end. Its a battle you can never win. I know that all to well.
And I'm learning about parenting in the child psych class I'm taking in school.
And it teaches people not to do every thing that my mother does.
and the thing they emphasize is to give your time and attention. and I cant really say that she does either of those.
I'm so tired of writing now.
I have to recompose myself still.

Stayed Home.

I fell down the stairs this morning. I felt really dizzy. I might have hit my head, but I dont remember. I stayed home from the service this morning because I couldnt see straight when I stood up. So now I'm writing this and doing my english homework. I have about 5 assingments for that class due monday. I wrote a mission statement :

I will treat others with the respect I want in return.

I will remember not to take things for granted.

I will accept others for who they are.

I will have the courage to be honest, confident, and step outside my comfort zone.

I will keep an open mind and a positive attitude.

I will apologize when I should.

I will make good decisions and work hard for what I want.

I will remember that no one is perfect, and when I fall I will get back up.

I will know that things dont always go the way I plan,

and I will make the best of it.

I will remember that sometimes I have to let things go,

and to never stop moving forward with my life.

I will know that I am a storng person.

And I have the choice to be happy.

what do you think?

I also have this poetry project where I had to pick 5 poems that I relate to, and explain why.

I picked a lot of poems about relationships, because they were easy to find, and easy to relate to. but theres also a few about the bigger picture, and choices in life, and stuff like that.

I have a busy weekend.

alot going on in my mind, but I'll handle it.

I always find a way...

this week was way too long.

I had a huge fight with my dad today.
And then I felt awful because he had to go out in the storm.
and then it stopped snowing, so I thanked God.
But I still dont forgive him.
I know thats awful, but he deserves it.
It didnt scare me when he was yelling at me. Because atleast he was expressing something.
Something real instead of that fake smile he wears all the time, with that fake personality.
And I'll eventually just say to him, Kim is your girlfriend, start telling me the truth. Communication and respect are two-way streets.
And you know what, my dad sounded so much like my mother when he told me not to ask him for anything ever again. But I didnt tell him that. It was actually kind of funny to hear that they say the same things to me.
And that whole time it didnt bother me. Because I was leaving, atleast for the time being. To go to my moms house, and there was nothing he could do.

This week I learned that people in my family have more problems than I ever cared to realize. And that is really scary, that I could end up like that.
And actually, I had a breakdown a couple nights ago. Because I wanted to leave my life so bad. I wanted to leave this town, and all the people behind. and start somewhere new and become anything.

But, tonight I had to babysit my 2 year old brother. can you say terrible twos? yeah well, I finally got the courage to change another diaper, and he let me put him to bed for the first time. even though it was at 11:30 at night, i still felt accomplished.
And so, that was my week. and now its midnight, and I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the food pantry for community service for my confirmation.

Christmas is this week.
I'm excited (:





This was one of my favorite songs back in september.
It reminds me why I wouldnt go back.
It gives me a reason to keep moving forward.
Because my feelings have changed so much, but I remember them so clearly.
I like my feelings now. No feelings for anyone. No one to please but myself.
Was I meant to be alone?
I'm thinking that right now I'm too young to be worried about things like that.
Maybe I will find someone to spend my life with. And maybe I wont.
But either way I'll still find a way t be happy. I know that.

long day

my brother fell off the stairs on sunday. he got rushed to the ER, and I was the last to know. He is okay, just a minor concussion. But I still should have known.
My convesation with my sister goes like this:
(I am not exaggerating)
"wheres mom?"
"shes not home."
"Where is she?"
"Theyre at the hospital."
"Why are they at the hospital??"
"JJ fell down the stairs"
"oh my god is he okay? when did this happen?"
"I dont know, this morning."

And this afternoon my mother tells me that he almost died, wasnt breathing, and she had to give him mouth-to-mouth. But he is okay now.
And my mother thinks im anemic. and the talk of blood in the car almost made me pass out, on top of knowing that my brother almost died the day before, and that my dad is slightly depressed, and my mother having a mood swing not even 5 minutes later.

And I had so much work. We had school today, even though half of the students & faculty still did not have power because of the ice storm on friday. And my friend mackenzie had to stay with me last night because her house was 30 degrees.
And I'd like to say thata she's my best friend. But best friends dont keep secrets from eachother, or just not tell them things, or talk about them behind their back, or completely ignore them and disreguard what they say. No, best friends dont do that. And I dont have a best friend.

And I still really dont feel good.
So yes, It was a long day.
You know what, I think I'm gonna watch waitress tonight. Because I feel like shit. and thats what I did last time I felt awful.

'and as simple as it sounds, I think I've found the perfect way to grow old.'

so theres an Ice storm. And trees might fall through my bedroom roof. and yet I'm sitting in here writing. im smart.
anyway. I'm attempting to clean u my room. or atleast organize the mess.

Okay so my hands are shaking. That might have something to do with drinking and energy drink, and coffee, and having only a cookie for breakfast, at noon. niceeeeeeeee.
well its a snowday. (:
I'm going to my friend's later for her sweet sixteen.
It's really pretty outside. its sunny, but the trees are all covered in ice, and its like sparkly.


I've been learning how to deal with things when the go wrong. I'm learning what to say to keep everything under control. I have alot of patience with stuff, and I dont like getting mad. And I'm starting to learn who I am and What I want.
I've learned that nervous breakdowns are a pattern in my life.
I think I have everything under control, and then one little thing shows up that says I have it all wrong. And there I go, a mess on the floor. But I guess thats justhow I handle stuff.
I've learned most recently that I dont forgive people for things, as easily as I forget them.
Not even forget, its more like I push it from my memory, but its still there.
I think what really bothers me is that some things are so out of my control.


And I know that the world is so much bigger than it seems right now.

I already know that nothing is ever perfect, and that things go wrong. I've been trying not to make things more difficult than they need to be. Honesty is important to me. Most people let me down when it comes to that. I let myself down frequently. I cant trust many people. and that is partly my fault for not being willing to trust. I let people hurt me over and over.
I've learned that I love my mom and my sister so unconditionally that I continue to let them tear me down time after time. I couldn't risk losing relationships like that. I dont know why I ever did...
I dont understand why my life would be so much easier without some people, but I still couldnt stand to lose them.

I think I am scared to death of being hurt. I think I am scared of falling in love also. because I've turned away from any chance I've had. And the one time I didnt, it was all a waste of my time. maybe I'm afraid of wasting my time again.

speaking of wasting time.... I should be cleaning my room, and getting ready to go out.

Well, I didnt really mean for this post to turn into a 'self evaluation' but I guess it did.

another

I cant even remember now,
and that doesnt bother me.
Those memories hold too much pain
too much emptiness
It all was a figment of my imagination.
And Maybe I'm not happy with my life.
Who is anymore?
I can live with discontent
as long as it gets me somewhere.

I'm going, I'm gone.

cant sleeeep.

I was thinking of the last time a was honestly happy.
And I ended up writing a poem.
It wasnt meant to be a poem, but it turned out that way.
I had to get this all down somewhere. I cant believe I've held on to it for this long.
I thought of summer 2007 when I was 13 and I took a plane to florida with my best friend and her family. This boy, however was not in florida, or new york. maryland. And it seemed so unreal at the time, so I just said anything I wanted.

And I finally woke up from that dream. Or maybe it was a nightmare?



I just wanted to be happy. and I was.
That time went by so fast. And everything changed so fast.
I didnt want to fall in love.
I dont know exactly what I wanted.
But I was happy then.
I remember smiling against my pillow before I fell asleep.
I was happy where I was.
And it wasnt because of him.
He wasnt there.
I remember how I never wanted to answer my phone when he called.
I hated being so tied down.
Tied down by an 'I love you'.
And I dont know why I said it back.
I didnt feel that way.
But he said forever.
And at first that was a comfort.
To think that somebody would be there for ever.
I wanted to believe that.
But I doubted it.
And I dont know why I said it back.
That forever is gone.
Gone with all the words we never meant
and the promises we knew we couldnt keep.
And I was in too deep.
He said I was his world. I was his angel. He could not live without me.
He would die for me. He would marry me. He would hold me in his arms.
He said I was beautiful.
But he didnt know.
He says, "there was no way of knowing."
"Fate had conspired against us"
This isnt fate, We brought it upon ourselves.
Our fate was just to create heartache.
Unecessary

There was no easy way out.
I had to leave him behind somehow.
He couldnt even say the words.
Coward
My actions spoke louder than his words.
they were screaming goodbye.

I might not have moved on.
But I'm ready to.

I've moved past everything that used to hurt.
The thoughts dont make me cringe.
I can think, 'yes, that was me.
it happened and now its over.'
And If I ever see him again
I will put on a brave face
and look right past him.
Because there is nothing to see,
except a boy who would never be who I wanted him to be.
He never belonged with me.
All that time slams together,
and implodes on itself.
to be forgotten.
That space it takes up in my head will be filled with new events.
People, and places, and moments, and ideas.

survey

(fill in the blanks...)

I would [sky dive] for [ 10000] dollars.
If I had a [band] I’d name it [i have no idea].
When I was [ younger] I was [ stupid].
My ex is such a [ liar]
Barack Obama [ rocks].
Love is [ blinding].
If I was drunk I’d be more likely to [ sing? ].
If I could make my own man/woman, he/she would have [a great smile ], [amazing sense of humor], and [ an open mind].
Everyone should take time to [relax ].
If I could create my own heaven for when I die it would [be lovely].
This survey is [ difficult] because [I deleted some of the questions because i had no idea what to put in them ].

how's your halo?

I had a really good day today. It was just good. Nothing spectacular happened. But it started with the morning (...well obviously most days start with mornings). But it was 50 degrees outside. which is amazing compared to the 20 degrees it has been for too long. no winter jacket. it felt good. It reminded me of fall, and summer a little bit. I loved it. Its like calm before the storm. by the way, there's supposed to be a storm tonight/tomorrow morning. and then I had a really good day. I've learned to have a sense of humor when things are so depressing. It helped alot.

I still havent cleaned up from my nervous break down. But I dont relly want to. I like how my room looks now. It was so bare before. and empty. Now It actually looks lived-in. Like I actually live there. and I want the mess to stay there for as long as possible. this is my home too.

So I read this poem today in english. It was like "what if i want to be a rebel, a wanderer, girl with the world on her shoulders..." what if thats what I want? what if I dont want to be something that everyone else would appreciate, maybe I dont want to please other people. I would love to just say "fuck it all" and not care. but something always stops me when I start to feel that way.

Wow I just wasted like 2 hours. its 11. I wont be able to sleep again.

this song made me cry.

href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv_4P6TuigU">

"I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean.
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys,
and we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away,
and we talk and window shop 'til I forgotten all their names."

and thats when I cried. I havent had anyone to do that for me. and I still dont. But I am going to be that person for someone. I know I could be.

It kills me how she can be so honest. I wish I could be like that.

And to think that these are the people I am buying christmas presents for...

everyone is treating me like shit. When I leave my mom's she cleans out my room like I'm not coming back in 7 days. And when I leave my dad's he closes my bedroom door and forgets I was even there to begin with. And my friends treat me like all I am is a hassle, like I'm just an extra. But they are the only things close to permanent in my life, and so I keep hanging on to them.


So after completely breaking down last night, I havent fully recovered. And this day is not exactly helping. and I still have a shitload of homework. And I have to think about my future and who I am and what I'm going to be and what the fuck my goals are. and I have to clean my room because I trashed it yesterday during my panick attacks.

But I cant give up on being happy. at least thats what I keep telling myself. I have to keep getting up no matter how many times I fall down. I have to keep living no matter how many times I have a nervous breakdown.

sooo today was depressing

everything is so boring. The people in my life. The people I've always kept so close to me, dont mean anything at all I'm realizing. I want to be out of my comfort zone. I want to be so happy.
well, I'm working on it.

If people are reading this then leave a comment or something(:
I feel like I need to hear from some new people for once.