you know this life all too well.

Its a good thing we dont have school anymore. Because if we did I'd be afraid you would show up with a gun. I never said I hated you. I'm mad because you lied to me and you're not who I thought you were. I dont like you as a person. That's different from hate. I want you to stay away from her because shes my friend and you hurt her. Its not my fault if you're so bitter.

And I hate it how one minute we're talking about pregnancy scares, and the next we're talking about tv shows and cute boys. I think her ADD is kicking in.

Do you really not realize what you should be apologizing for?
Are you avoiding it, or are you really that stupid?!
You cant take advantage of other people, my God.
I really need sleep.

It's gonna be alright.

What if you had a baby? Would you get him in trouble for taking advantage of you like that? You would have to eat like normal people do. Pregnant. It happens. We would handle it. I wish I wasnt going away this week, and I wish my mother wasnt so strict, or I would be with you to buy the test, and wait with you while you waited for the answers. I would be a good friend, because thats all you've ever been for me and you deserve it.
But we dont even know now.

'When plans they change
And hearts like boats, they break
Some sail away
Chances take, and bridges burn
We swim beneath in poison water'

Happy Fathers Day

I spent the day with my dad today.
He has really good taste in music.
My mom always said he wasnt very into music, but she just never took the time to listen.
My dad went to a rolling stones concert in buffalo in the 70s.
He told me a story of the guy from CCR and his record deal.
It was a good day because we were happy and we were putting in effort to make it a good day.
But we should put in the same effort even when its not a holiday, even when we have to make dinner and do work. Because you dont just love someone when its convenient.

Seems like its been forever that you've been gone...

You make me wonder.
What did you feel as you pulled the trigger? Did you regret it as you walked away? Do you think about any of us here?
I realize that many of things that are wrong with this family cannot be blamed on you.
We were practically begging for a wake up call.
And it seems to me that we slept right through this one.
I think that everyone is too afraid to make up for lost time, to make apologies, to fix things.
They say we've "gotten over it pretty well" but there is no getting over with, theres only dealing with.
Were gunshots, a wheelchair, and many, many scars really not enough for us to realize that life is short? that people matter?
We've shed so many tears, but I'm still haunted.
This isnt a movie, where when its over you cry and then move on. This is real life, and sometimes the audience gets wrapped up and damaged, twisted and shaped. And most of the time you can't hide from whats playing out in front of you.

Well, I guess my point is that I'm awake now.

Summer (:

Turns out I made a big deal out of something obsolete.
I have a summer party tomorrow.
I'm going to florida next week.
Its taken me a while to figure out who is really worth my energy.
In fact, I'm still learning.

You dont always have to hold your head higher than your heart.

Lay your armor down

The songs I used to listen to are so beautiful.
You've obviously forgotten them, but theyre permanent to me.

Cause I've seen your act and I know all the facts, I'm still in love with who I wish you were.

So I basically failed a math exam today. Wonderful.
I knew what you were going to do and I let it happen.
Whatever, next time I'll know better.
Because there's always a next time with you. Even if its way too late.
You think we're 'all good' now because you threw out those stupid little compliments at me.
But that tension is still there, its only growing with time.
And eventually, I'll know what to say to you.

I wish you would have cared to ask about how my exam went.
Because I miss being able to always have you to tell things to.
And no matter what amount of time you dissapear for, when you show up theres so much I want to catch you up on, but you dont care and I end up telling you how much of a jerk you are.

And it just never ends, and I really need to let you go.
There is no in between, I'm still holding on even when I thought I wasnt.

"The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it."- Mignon McLaughlin

Maybe you're right, I do know you pretty well.
You care way too much about how other people see you, and you think words can make up for everything. And I knew you were going to leave again and dissapear without warning.
Maybe I thought you would be permanent again. Maybe your stupid words got my hopes up.
And I wish I had the courage to tell you all this, but I'm pretty sure I have more respect than to give my honest opinion without it being asked or argued.

"Anything you lose automatically doubles in value."

So far out of touch.

Of course you think you havent changed. Because to you, everything is so permanent and you are always right and you're able control everything. But you can't tell me what I know. And you cant control the fact that last summer I threw out your bracelet. You dont realize how much you take me for granted. You dont know what I think of our relationship, you didnt even ask. You dont understand how sad I was for so long. You didnt even care to say goodbye to me in person. I afraid to tell you the truth, that I havent loved you for a while. And forever is unknown to me. I'm scared that you still hang onto those things we said, and I'm scared to tell you that I dont. I think maybe if you talked to me on more than a facebook message, you would understand. Like comversations that required you to listen and not just skim my words on the page. But maybe you're scared to do that. And now maybe this makes me a hypocrite for calling you judgemental because I just said all these things about you.

And of course I'll re-word all of this before I send it to you just so you dont get offended.
But it takes alot of energy to be nice to you, I'm not sure if I'm up for it.

And we carried on like long division

And so I decided to choose my words carefully and hope that they dont go to waste.
And I'll fall asleep to the rain, and wake up to the last day of sophmore year.
What I've learned this year: Things matter, and words are powerful. People change, go with the flow. Dont be bitter, its not worth it.

A tangled web of people and words.

I'm glad we could talk this out in a mature manner.
Yes we broke alot of promises, but did it really take all this just for you to realize it?
I mean, I guess thats okay considering that atleast you cared enough to apologize.
But dont compare youself to me, dont put me on a pedestal.
Even if its a compliment, youre still passing judgement which seems unfair since we dont talk very often and people change, so you cant really be sure that you know who I am anymore.
And your words looks beautiful as I read them but honestly, I dont know what to believe from you. You seem to have many different sides and thats a little bit confusing.
And hey, my inbox says you wrote me at 11:11, did you remember to make a wish?

Well anyway, maybe I'll actually tell you that sometime instead of just thinking of it.

Hello old aquaintance...

Nice talking to you. I really loved the tension you brought into the conversation. I love how your so quick to judge me. I really appreciate how you think you can just come in and out of my life whenever you please. Whenever you're bored and feel the need to screw something up. That was really just what I needed right now. Thanks.

I had the choice to say nothing, which was what you expected, or tell you off which was what you were looking for. I decided not to be what you expected.
You were exactly as I expected though, ignorant and arrogant as always.