Just be Ok.

It's ok to say things that other people are afraid to speak, afraid to hear.
Its ok its ok. To be sad and close to giving up. Dont be ashamed of it.
Its ok to be weird and akward and have bad days.
Because what are we, but undefined.

This song is stuck in my head.
"keep dreaming in colors and then open your eyes. See the moon light. Dont forget you're alive."

4:00 AM

Sweatshirts and Dave Mathews songs.
Calmness and dancing and Why I am.
Yearbooks and stories in progress and Bigger problems.
Bagels and Quiet people.
Wanting more.
Being Here.

If only I thought of the right words

Pie. Family Guy. Too much coffee. Forgiveness. Patience. Fresh Starts. Fears. Confidence. Company.

This is good. This is happy. I get a taste of it every once and a while.
But I always have to go back to what I'm afraid of.
It's difficult to care sometimes.
But we show it the best we can.

Dreams

There is a dream I have where I dont know who I am or where I am.
And nothing matters except that I simply am.
I awake with a cold sweat feeling calm before I remember things.

The thing is, that I have the freedom within me to leave everything and say anything and change as much as I want. The only thing keeping me here is my fear.

In the morning I will be brand new.

Smile Like You Mean It

Warmer memories come back with this song.
In those moments, I was not happy.
Because I knew it was only temporary,
Before I returned to what I was afraid of.
And not much has changed since then.
Not much. Not much.
is what we will become if we go on being afraid.


Love is learned and Fear is overcome.
Speak.
Speak.
Nothing can define you.
I will not be afraid of being undefined.

Unexpected places.

I am so excited for thanksgiving.
And people and christmas trees.
I dont know what, but there is something so quiet and charming about christmas trees.
In a house that seemed empty of faith, these beautiful lights stood in the corner reminding me that beauty and peace can exist in the most unexpected places.

For faith love and hope.

"There is freedom within you" he said today.
And I understood why she cried.
And why all those people sang.

I will not be afraid anymore.

Like you were just a wish that could turn out well.

I let myself become nothing.
But we are not meant to waste out lives.
Faith without works is dead.
This is not a coincidence.
"I will not quit"

Today was complete with God and coffee, fast food, fast cars, and people who care.
And it's what I've been looking for.
But this is the process, and it's only the beginning.
There are no coincidences.
I will not quit.

If only time flew like a dove

"I cant force these eyes to see the end"

I went to church today. I really liked it too.
Embrace the pain.
Challenge all of your excuses.
Work harder than everyone else.
Be a person of honor.
Make your own miracle.
God has given everyone the choice of free will.
I'm sorry if anyone has ever used their free will to do something hurtful to you.
"I'm sorry" he said.
And that meant alot to me.

I was feeling so good.
New and french vanilla. Happy and talkative. Comfortable for once.

And then I was angry.
So hurt and disrespected and confined and suffoacted and furious and pained.
It overflowed.
They're going to say they're "sorry" im upset.
It doesnt mean as much.
It's empty.

And it is just so sad.
How the people who are close to me are so empty.
And I dont know how to make them full again.
I dont know if its up to me at all.
But I want to feel.

Million miles away, in the Big sky

All the lights that used to be pretty, but now just seemed large and far away.

You dont really know happiness until you know saddness.

What are you so afraid of?

I have heard that its all real.
But I have not brought myself to believe.
But I want to.
I dont want to be scared anymore.

And I was reminded of all this last night when I heard a song.
I have a link to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgeUrD4MHI
But it really was better seeing it in person.
And knowing who was singing it and seeing how they felt.
And wanting to feel that way.

I want to love with all I am.
And it sounds simple but its really hard.
Or atleast, it's hard at first. For me.
For the people playing the song last night,
it seemed like the easiest, most simple thing in the world.


I wish I had more time to write, but I heard that song at a fundraiser for this organization called Love 146. And you really should go to their website. It would mean alot.
http://www.love146.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=21772

Note to self:

You are fine.
No, you are great.
Stop wondering what is wrong with you.
Because that is your only problem.
Change is not your enemy.
You are beautiful no matter what.
Don't be ashamed of yourself.

You already know how to be alone.
Discover how to be in love.
Fearlessly.

What happens

I suppose that once we decide something is over it will never be the same.
Even if we change our minds.

I used to dance so beautifully.
It came naturally and it felt right.
And I was sure of it.

All I want is to be sure again.

Suburbia and a sunrise.

And there are times when it seems like the only thing that's changed is my mind.
But it really doesnt matter wether or not I loved him.
Or wether or not I still do.
We are going on wether or not.
I'd rather be worry free.

Better

Remember that night.
I was surrounded all alone.
They suffocated me.
I danced in the street.

And it felt good and stupid and pointless and meaningful.
Better than nothing.
Now I lose track of the days.
And not in the good way.

A good song was playing and I danced.
I wish it were still that simple.

I danced alone.
Because I am alone.
And that's okay sometimes.

Screams.

Its all changing.
It's hard for me to balance
living and thinking about living.
And breathing. Breathing.

Reality

Reality is an illusion.
Because I am what I want and that changes constantly but I am still the same.
And that makes sense if you dont think about it.

You finally found the courage to let it all go...

I am making a christmas list.
I want lots of art things.
And Music things.
I not sure if im going to like those things. But I think I might.
And I want to.

I'd like to figure out what I am.
Because I think of all my friends who know who they are and what theyre doing.
And I think they are so strong because they are sure. Definite and permanent.
But I know for a fact, I'm not permanent.
Maybe my thing is that im always changing and wishing I wasnt and trying not to but not being able to help it.
That is a long title and I dont like it.

Bittersweet. As always.

How do you break up with someone who wont even bother talking to you?
Oh my petty teenage problems.
I'm glad I know what I deserve.
And this is not it.
Especially on my fucking birthday.

I am grateful for friends who make me fun-fetti birthday cakes.
For heaters on school buses. and phones.
For yearbooks and favorite songs and conversation and memories.
And inside jokes.
For long distance family and friends.
Patience and words and honesty.

I have felt a spectrum of emotions today.
And I sit here feeling.
I do what I have to.

Everything's not lost

I am happy. Because I can be. And I should be.

You and I will have a talk tomorrow... But no matter what the outcome, I will find a way to be happy. Because my happiness does not depend on wether or not everything goes according to my plan. Infact, I dont believe my happiness is rational at all. But I feel ok and that's all that matters now.

"Give me truth; Cheat me by no illusion."

I think its because you didnt know me well enough
to wonder if something was wrong that day.
Because I could have told you everything.
Or maybe you just didnt care.
And that part doesnt bother me, because its the truth and I can accept that.
It hurts that you might be lying to me,
That you dont think I deserve to know the truth.
Which I do. I deserve that much.

We dont bring out the best in eachother the way I wish we could.