Getting Out.

Need to stop waiting to be saved.
Need to get myself out.
Even though I didn't choose to be stuck.

I've heard it before.

But it's not that simple.
Tell me how to fix it.
Tell me how to make it better now.
Because I've thought of ways to possibly fix things in time.
Long amounts of time.
Years.
But what am I going to do tomorrow?
What am I going to do?
Everyone already thinks what they think.
And how can I possibly get anywhere
when everyone has already made up their minds about me?
And every chance I get to ask for what I want,
I am silent.
Because I am shocked.
That everyone I talk to has decided that I am less.
And I expect it, but I never know how to react.

I think,
that none of this will last.
Someday I will be far away.
And you won't know me anymore.
All of this will become a cloudy memory.
I don't know if it's sad because I'll miss you,
Or because I'll look back and think of how trapped and wasted I was.
It's a shame I ever had to feel this way.

Better than me.

I've never wanted to start fresh this badly.
Just redo my entire life.
Because this isn't who I am.
And no one knows it but me.

Opposite Ocean.

I miss the palm trees and tall buildings with sun slicing in between.
The sky and the people and the ambiguity.
Lying on the grass hearing the city moving beneath me
I felt different.

Christmas

Such a contradiction.
Sleeping pink bunny baby.
Nothing else to talk about.
Unexpected apologies.
Looks of concern.
Forgetting to say Grace.
Lots of wine and lame party games.
Wrapping paper.
Coffee.
Different.
Hours passing.
Songs.
Bare tree.
Last minute.
What happened?
To make us this way?

Weak.

What has happened to me?
I am weak. How did I let this happen?
I tell myself that it's because I have a problem with authority.
But really I'm just lazy.

Why do I care so much about what people think?
It doesn't fucking change anything.
Why do accept other people's judgements?
Why have I let it ruin me?
I used to dance when I felt like it
And say what I felt without second guessing.
I had such a passion for dance.
What happened to me?
I was so passionate about everything.
I was able to public speak without any worries.
Who was that girl?

Everything I do, she scrutinizes.
She always finds a problem.
With how I talk, or move, or exist.
Meanwhile she is nothing
but scared, and just plain mean.
And she might get praise for it, people might say it's "Funny"
But it's wrong.
And I can't believe I let it affect me.
I changed my entire self just so there wouldn't be any problems.
Because its ok for her to pass judgement, but when I stand up for myself it becomes a problem.
Even after I do all I can to make her feel better.
Do everything I know how just to cheer her up, and all she can do is tear me down.
It's not going to happen anymore.



"You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.Love you my friend.- Anonymous"

Christmas Eve

Arguments and tears seem to be a christmas tradition here.
But I think this one might actually be a good one.
It hadn't felt much like christmas until now.
We never sang Joy to the World.
And I know it doesnt really make sense, but I miss it.
I miss the way I explored the world like a new born child.
And what christmas trees used to stand for...
It's just a tree.

Saturday nights.

Have been spent doing better things.
No tengo las ganas.

I realize that unless I do something,
All this would just be a list of complaints about my life.
So here I am, dealing with it.

And I can't see why you'd want to live here

This system of money and credit and bills is not working.
And more importantly, it shouldn't matter.
Money is a cold illusion and Debt doesn't allow for second chances.
It's a waste of time that leads to a downward spiral.

This whole world is a downward spiral.
And somehow I know that the bad outweighs the good
Because my happiness is always temporary
And it seems to be sooner and sooner that
the darkness will cut in
And take out more of me
Than I even knew was left.
An exhausting circle that gets smaller and smaller each time.

Do you ever feel relieved when you think about death?
As if God knows how extremely fucked up this place is
and he knows just exactly how much we can take.
And he's gonna show us.

Easy.Lucky.Free

I hope you dance.

You sit at home and watch T.V. all alone.
Mindlessly working monday through friday.
Paying the same bills with the same paycheck month after month after month.
Coming home to absolutely nothing and no one.
Even when I'm here, I'm no one.
You stand for nothing. And for you, nothing is worth it.
Nothing is worth waking up.
Nothing is worth anything.

My biggest fear is becoming you. Again.
Because I know the strength it takes
to pull yourself out of your own head.
And I know how easy it is to fall into it.
All I asked of you was one thing.


"Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid and ignorant, but I'd rather be in it. I'd rather be fucking in it than down here with you." -Susanna (Girl, Interrupted)

Good Intentions

I guess maybe it's better to be doing something about your situation,
Even if it's for all the wrong reasons, than to just give up.
God knows she has good intentions...

And if you could have tried to trust the hand that fed, You would have never been hungry but you'd never really be.

Yup, I'm selfish.
If you can settle for this, then fine I won't stop you.
But know that this is something I will never stand for.
The least you could have done was stand up for me.

Excuses.

Couldn't take another day of people making excuses.
Everything caught up with me at once.
All I need is space.
Time.

Homeless.

Just one of those days where everything gets to me.
Can't wake up enough.
Can't find a good song.
Can't find a friend.
Can't get far enough away.

Stale.

Well I'm sorry.
That I don't want to waste my time.
And can't sit and watch you waste yours.
Drive a little faster.
Say what you want to say.
Get out of here fast,
You're stale.

And if it's a water landing, then it's a water landing.

Plans change sometimes.
We have what we have.
Work on getting out of bed
because your legs won't work,
or because your heart is broken.
I used to walk with guilt.
And that is no way to live.

And the World Spins Madly On

Because I change like the seasons.
I wish I could keep my summer mentality
Even as I grow empty, frigid, and dark.
I keep thinking that getting out of here will make things better.
But I'm still the same reguardless of location.
It's just a matter of being happy
And why I can't seem to be these days...

It's gotten to me.

It's gotten to me.
It seems like I change personalities from season to season.
Summer and Fall will always be my personality.
The school year is so long that it makes things seem permanent to me.
And I've learned all too quickly how untrue that is.
I am meant to change with the seasons, not to be trapped in a routine.
Trapped.

11/11

You can't just make someone feel worthless
and then not feel ANYTHING.

That is why I'm angry.
And that is why it will never be OK.

Breathe

You could say that there's a dramaturgical approach to our lives.
You want to seem a certain way so you play the role,
And its not long before that becomes everything you are.
You play so many parts, what's real has long ago disappeared.
And you know, I keep forgetting to breathe.
The room spins and I think
I just can't tonight.

11/10/10

"Not everyone has a sob story, and even if they do It's no excuse"

Fuck.

I hate all this arguing.
There's no reason why we shouldn't be happy
And yet you seem to bask in your misery

I know it's all for attention.

The furure is no place to place your better days...

The only time they look happy is in pictures.
So that when we look back on these times
we can pretend to remember how happy we wanted to be.
Everyone leaves angry and self righteous.
I would have asked for ice cream cake, but no one asked me what I wanted.
They prefer me to be the perfect pink frosting little girl. Silent.

No.

I never knew what I do now

This morning I smelled like Dave concert.
Which pretty much is beer and weed.

"Thats gross" she said.
"It smells like happy people" I said, still half asleep.

Duct Tape

"Remember when I went to church?"
For some reason, as we turned the opposite direction today, that was heavily on my mind.
Things were so different then.
Parts of me know better now, about how to talk about music and go places and sip fancy coffee.
I still remember the feeling of being there, singing the songs and just taking it all in.
I will never forget that part. You could tell they truely cared that we knew about God and what he had to say.
But after a while something changed, and it no longer felt genuine.
Like the church had grown so big that they couldn't manage it. So they started using cheesy 'inspirational' lines just to take up space and give an illusion of something great.
It no longer felt true to me, so I stopped going. pretty simple.

But, I still feel new sometimes when I drink french vanilla cappuccinos.

Bittersweet Birthdays, And Mornings

Coffee Coolattas, Loud Radio, Warm Car.
Plenty of balloons and pretty things, and Cake.
People who give a shit.
Candy.

You always find a way to ruin me.

Ballet, Piano songs, "that's okay"
Not knowing how to dance, but loving it anyway.
Quiet music, Cool night, Fast Food.
Someone to listen, To almost understand
Not being alone.

Thank You.

Smile

"Guys, my socks say smile."

The sun rise today was so pretty.
I'm not going to use any cheesy metaphors to talk about it.

good morning.

You are still in there somewhere.
Reaching your arms up from the hospital bed to hug me.
And then swept away again by something unknown.
Your hands are soft and cool, and weaker than usual as I gently say good morning.
I don't know what else to say, except good morning.

And I Hope That Sometime This City Sees Stars.

Why don't we do things? It's friday.
You brought me back home. You did it for attention.
It's empty here. Everything is beige.
I really can't take it anymore.

Why don't we do something?? It's the weekend.
These are the times of our lives when we're supposed to be having fun,
But we couldn't even muster up a conversation today.
Makes me wonder why we're friends.
I don't believe you ever wonder.
About anything.

I recall on that morning, I sat there again
with my cup of coffee and all those caring people.
And it didn't make an impression on you.
I don't think you understand how much I appreciate what they have.
To know that some people live the way I wish I could...

That calmness that I appreciated so much
Means something completely different for her.
I was glad not to have someone making conversation to fill the silence
But to her it was like a ticking time bomb.

I'm so used to your yelling that I find a song in it.
It's kind of like hardcore screamo music.
Loud, angry, and difficult to understand.
It doesn't bother me, but I don't really like it.


You know what? Today was one awful day.
But tomorrow will be better.
It has to be.

And I hope that sometime this city sees stars.

Today

The anxiety, the sadness and the fear,
to just stay in bed all day, everyday, hiding.
I understand what they were saying now
about taking it one day at a time, and some would be good
and some would be bad.

Things

The point is not to have time to feel empty.

Like water in my lungs...

It shouldn't be this way. That's it.
Everything needs to change but nothing will.
Nothing ever will.

Somewhere in between the beginning and the end,

In San Francisco we had this routine of going out to dinner every night and then walking around and coming back to our hotel. Sometimes we would take the bus and sometimes the car. And I remember feeling like if I could make you smile or laugh at least once everything would be ok. I never wanted to ask you about what would happen after we left, because I didn't want to think about being home, or you being alone or things going back to the way they were before.
Tonight Emma and I looked through my pictures and she told me about the mean teacher in her confirmation class, and I had that same feeling. She found the pictures of the magician we saw on the pier and we both couldn't remember his name...

"This is not a coincidence"

You asked me if I believe in God. I said yes.
You asked me if I pray and I said I don't know.
You brought up going to church, I said I didn't want to go.
You got angry, I understood why. And I started thinking...

That sometimes getting into a routine can leave us mindless and empty.
But I remember going to church a long time ago, and they said that God wants us to go to church on sundays so we don't forget. So we don't lose our faith.
And I think that both those ideas are right, it's just that we are flawed...

Because after going to church for months, it became boring to me.
I felt like I was wasting time.
And now, after I have stopped going, I forget about God sometimes.
Until you brought it up that night.

I remembered that every week Pastor Buddy would tell us that God loves us.
And he would make us say it until we believed it.
I think it was important that he reminded us of that.
The first time I went to church there I felt brand new, and I remember I almost cried, and I even sang along to some of the songs. I remember thinking that if God loves me so much no matter how flawed I am, what am I going to do to actually be worthy of it?

But after a while of going to church there, I didnt have that feeling that I got the first night, and some things changed and I started to take it for granted.
Until that night when you were driving home and we were sitting in silence and I was thinking all this and I was so angry with you for not letting me drive.
And this might sound cliche, but I remembered what Pastor Buddy had said week after week. That God loves both of us equally as much even if we don't understand eachother.
And I wonder if you realized this too, because after that you asked me about my job applications. And it's different when you ask me about things, because I can tell it's because you care and not because you think your supposed to...

Ticking time bomb.

That calmness that I appreciated so much
Means something completely different for her.
I was glad not to have someone "making conversation" to fill the silence,
But to her it was like a ticking time bomb.
Waiting, Anticipating in fear.

I saw her tired, bloodshot eyes that day
as she spoke to me in short breaths.
Always holding on for one more minute,
pushing herself further for one more person...

Weekend

What I live for are the times when I can get away.
Movie theaters and mom vans, running out of money, going apple picking,
French vanilla coffee and cider donuts, walking and talking, and driving away and away and away.
And coming back home.

Leave all your love and your longing behind. You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

I need to get away from whatever is making me feel this way.

Like absolutely nothing. I don't want to do anything tomorrow.



But I will. I will wake up at 5:00 tomorrow morning and get dressed still half asleep. I will sit in the seat on the bus that the water drips on, and no one will warn me about it. I will talk to some "friends" but I wont be completely there.

"Being wasted, Getting wasted"

This spot right here is where my bed used to be.
I would lay there and watch the seasons change through the open window.
The rest of the room was mostly empty, just like I was.
And now it's filled with meaningless furniture, sticking out and in the way.
Something eats me alive everytime I come up here.

And I don't know what else to say other than
I don't belong. But I can't leave.
Not yet.

Funny things.

I asked you if you wanted to know something funny.
Which lead to talks about friends and family and serious subjects and funny people.
Maybe you would have wished me luck if I had told you how nervous I was.
All I had to do was say something.

Black & White

Standing in front of the room in your black and white dress.
Cold white on threatening black.
A hard contour outlining your mind.
It's not that simple.

I cannot bring myself to respect such ignorance.

Checking Messages.

I think sunday, or whatever day of the week that you believe, is supposed to be a day of rest so that we don't turn into robots. I notice that when people live too fast, they become empty and exhausted. And no one is meant to be that way. I keep thinking that maybe if she just had some time with nothing to do, she would remember to cry and live and go outside and be happy again. I keep thinking that it should never have come to this. That she should be able to listen to me without checking the answering machine at the same time. Constantly multitasking, digging a deeper hole going nowhere.

What it all comes down to

Driving away, Regina Spektor, Passenger seat
Sleepovers, Going out to dinner, Getting a Job
Passing classes, Saying Hi in the hallway
Having something to talk about in Lunch
Figuring out why we're friends in the first place
Warped charcoal drawings, Bad Hair Days
Not taking the bus to school,
Waking up in the mornings

Again.

Maybe if I just stay still, time will not pass.

I would just like to stay in one place and not have to worry
about where I'm going or what I'm going to do.
Just for a little while.


I find that this is all I've ever wanted.
And that only drives me further into isolation.

Homesick

You never asked me about my days while I was away.
When I told you stories you kept yourself busy and distracted.
You never welcomed me home or called to see when I would be back.
I was suprised how easily I fit in with their family and how hard it is to come back home.
But lying in bed those 9 long nights, I couldn't tell you why, but I sometimes ached for the awful way you make me feel.
Even though you do everything to make me feel like I don't belong, for some reason I do.

Hitting the Curb

I think it would have mattered if you had wished me luck today.
Even if you were tired this morning, couldn't you still understand?
I needed you to tell me I could do it, instead of just being there when I failed.

Escaping

Driving in your hand-me-down car with a good song playing.
The whole entire world was flying by as we rolled within the boundaries of our tiny little town.
I don't believe I could ever forget you.

No shame in saying thank you.

I hope that girl makes it to LA.
I hope that man puts down his flask and takes care of his dogs.
And I hope Uncle Tim gets that job.
I hope that kid from the restaurant finds whatever the hell he's looking for.
And I hope I figure out where the hell I'm going.
That's it for tonight.

Mint.

It's probably weird that I still wonder what would happen if we ran into eachother one of these days. I think I would tell you that I'm sorry. And I would probably tell you why I acted how I did, but only if you asked. I would probably talk about my sister. And my parents. Because I never did before.
Then again, you probably wouldn't ask. You were never one to focus on the past. So maybe we would get coffee, like from starbucks or something and talk about college and summer. Maybe we would talk about the stars too.
Of course you would mention your girlfriend and I would mention nobody. I would probably say how I'm hardly ever happy in a relationship, how I worry too much and I wouldn't want to pull another person into my mess of a life if it wasn't necessary.
But only if you asked. And I would hope that you'd ask me about alot of things because I've always felt like I had something to prove to you. Maybe it's because you knew me at my worst, or because we never really knew eachother as well as we should have.
And all of this because of the mint tea im drinking for the first time in over a year reminds me of the nights I couldn't sleep and used to think about these things. And because whenever I think of a boy, I think of how he doesn't call just to say goodnight, or constantly ask me what song I'm listening to, or call me at 4am to say happy birthday, or tell me I'm beautiful because he thinks so and not because he wants something.
No one cares as much as you used to.
I don't know what I'm searching for anymore.

So glide away on soapy heels, and promise not to promise anymore

I can't remember wether you first started to treat me like just another one of your girls, or if I first began to act like one. But I realize... it was never even close to being right. The fact that you and I even knew each other existed was too much imbalance for the universe to handle, and quickly everything fell back to the way it was before. I am once again sitting here at 2 in the morning, and you won't remember what happened last night when you wake up tomorrow afternoon.

To tell the difference between shooting stars and satelites

I am starting to look like how I feel.
I am so transparent sometimes.
Today felt like it lasted three lifetimes.
Three lifetimes of a sad messy lie.

I was a child.

What is fear,
If you have never known anything else to compare it to?

It's not like I just woke up one day
And decided I wasn't going to talk.
I was a child. I just didn't talk much.
I can remember just not feeling anything
For a really long time.
I was a child.

If I kiss you where it hurts will you feel better? Will you feel anything at all?

"Most teenagers do not engage in risky behavior"
Was a statistic I learned in health class.
I guess that doesn't count the millions of teenage mothers doing drugs,
Or the fathers that ran scared, or their parents who left them in the first place.
I pray about losing my childhood, while you were denied one.
I laughed tonight just because. You laughed just to forget your life, for one moment.
He talked about world peace and puppies, and then he told me about them.
"I really really hope she's okay"
That was all I could say.

Easy mac' and Sun burn.

If the next generation never learned about the racism of the past,
Would they look at people differently?
Today I wondered what would happen
If we were all wiped completely innocent of the past.

What if history is meant to be forgotten sometimes?
Maybe there's a reason we can't keep yesterday
And continue to wake up to another chance.

There are some things I remember from church.
One thing the pastor said was God doesn't care about yesterday.
You're already forgiven, already loved.
He said it like he was absolutely sure.

But I guess that means that even if yesterday was an amazing day,
It doesn't matter anymore.
And that's kind of bittersweet.

"I was addicted to saying things and having them matter to someone"

Does it matter if I write it all down?
It doesn't make me feel any more alive.
Like when I didn't belong on stage
until I heard my name yelled in the crowd.
We really are all the same.

Gone.

Sitting on the cool grass,
Colors blasting into the sky.
I tried to remember the way
it used to make me feel.
Gone.


I heard David Blaine say on TV that he wanted his magic to bring people a sense of wonder. Like the way we are as children, when we are amazed by every little thing... Like the way I used to feel swallowed by the sky on the fourth of july.

Stop.

I want to stop having something to write about.
I'm supposed to be happy.
Let me be selfish, just for one night.

Goodnight.

I remember how I used to want to stay here.
But it's been so long, that I don't even belong here anymore.
Not even as a dinner guest, because you eat on the couch with sports center.
I don't know why it's back to akward silences and angry car rides.

Where I stood

You think that I went to church because of a boy.
Because whenever there's a boy, obviously I become infatuated and blind.
Because clearly, I couldn't possibly believe in God.
Because how could I ever be capaple of believing in anything?
Right? Because as a father who barely talks with me, or even looks me in the eyes,
You must know every minute detail of who I am.

I'm upset that you've always thought so little of me.
I find it sad that even when you're here, you're really far away.
I don't know what to do, and you're no help at all anymore.
I told you the truth, and you looked at the T.V. screen and yelled.
Why do you like me better when I'm nothing?

Wallflower

People assume who I am
Even though I haven't once had an honest choice in where I go.
I heard someone say one time that the world isn't built on extremes.
I'm starting to believe that it was built that way, but fell in between.

Honest

The months after she had my brother
There was something sort of honest in her sometimes.
We had conversations, almost like normal people.
How can I make her remember that?

Forgetting Myself

She didn't always act so big, always trying to get back at me for something I must have done.
I feel like maybe she wouldnt want me to be invisible, if I hadnt lost myself in the first place.
Maybe I could have learned all this without her hating me so much.
But I wish that maybe she would hate me a little more quietly though.
Because then I would remember to apologize for being a ghost for so long.

"If you had eyes like golden crowns and diamonds in your fingertips you'd waste it"

It's because you didn't cheer loud enough for me.
Because just being there is not enough. It was never enough.
It's because I can't remember a time you stood up for me.
Or a time you apologized for getting angry.
Because whenever I started to grow, you found a way to hurt me.
As if, by simply existing, I was hurting you.
And you couldn't let it go. Let me go.

'Like you were just a wish that could turn out well'

Somehow... I missed it.
Growing up like everyone else.
And I know that it's fine not to be like everyone else.
But they seem so happy, and I want that.
I want it so badly.


I don't know why
I felt like I had to stay still, silent, and invisibile.
Why I listened to whatever was making me feel this way.
Why I blame certain people
But maybe it was my fault?

"No. You need to let that one go. All of that is mine."

No songs match how I feel.
So I know, that I can't keep coming back
to being this way.
Because 'everything's ok'
except I'm lost.
And that's how she prefers me to be.

There's a lack of color here

I'm just not a fan of being stuck in a room for 3 hours, being forced to write two essays, and then left alone at a lunch table where I have five minutes to eat, while people are yelling at me because I don't know what time it is.

Million Miles Away, In the Big Sky

You had a baby girl.
I was sitting in math class.

I think you know, that people are expecting you to fuck this up.
But I know that you will do the right thing.
You have a baby girl.

From comparing myself to everyone else around me,

I'm content with living this way until I see people in love.
And think that I've never really known that.
You finally have the girl you always wished I could be.

But as a matter of fact, I could never be her.
I've been forgotten, No one has molded me into something precious.
I'm not pretty and little, I'm quite the mess.
And I would tell you about it, but I dont know where to start.
So I hide it away, beneath a heavy pile of silence,
and every part of me that's given up.

Why don't we

Why don't we walk in the rain anymore
or talk on the phone?
Why don't we dance in public?
or ride our bikes?
Why don't we stay up all night anymore?

Because people we love have been sick,
And the ones close to us took everything,
Because trust has been lost,
And we have forgotten.

Why don't we start fresh?

She

Acts like she is bigger than the ocean
More destructive, powerful, stronger, better

at lying to herself
than anyone else.

Hang up the phone,
Where are you?

Dear self,

Remember you said to have more faith in people.
Don't dissolve. You are substantial now. Don't lose it.
Speak with your back straight, don't let your voice die.
This is not going to break you.

Yesterday, your stage fright was gone.
You barely shook.
And you didn't trip on stage.

Things have changed.

Here.

Whoever yells the loudest
Wins the fight.
By any means necessary?
You're still wrong.
How dare you?

This is not a coincidence.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

This give and take is becoming too much.
Remember the goosebumps raised on my skin from the dark ocean winds as I walked along the abandoned shore. Watching shadows of people holding hands in the distance to the melancholy sound of acoustic guitars and sad voices singing love songs above me, and the constant spark of a lighthouse, unreachable. All I wanted was for someone to stay with me, and let me show them how the sun lit up the sky so carefully until the clouds were on fire. To feel the ocean carry away what lay under my feet, and how the water connected me to everything at once. The entire universe was hanging above me. I was alone.
I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like you,
Because if gives and it takes away.

You talk on the phone too much anyway.

Slow down enough to see that you've nearly destroyed
everything around you.
The way you try to intimidate what you don't understand and can't control.
Reflecting the angry monster that you grew up with.
Are you proud?
Because I'm done.
Cowering at the sound of your voice, your echoing footsteps.
It's a little bit old now, and I'm not as scared as I used to be.

I hope you dance.

I danced for an entire weekend.
And for some particular reason,
I don't care that I was alone for a few songs.
I've forgotten about the people who watched and whispered.
And the ones who walked away.
I still don't know what love means,
But I'm a little closer to being Okay.

Hold you like the sun holds the moon,

The airy trail of smoke drifting up from her cigarette
so light and magical, I almost forgot it was killing her.

It's cold in New York...

Step on the gas as the car lurches forward, underneath me
I hope we crash, I hope we crash.
Imagining the metal crushed into my body.
A Cold, fast, adrenaline disaster.

Whatever it takes to wake you up.

Burn down the ghost towns.

I am growing stale and hopeless.
Sitting here just makes it worse.
Scream out of the cave of this cold corner of house.
Drag my feet like wrecking balls scraping the hard wood floors.
Clawing the precious furniture to shreds.
Shattering the pretty lights into a million lost pieces.
Light a match and let it all go.
We never needed any of this to begin with.

You look a mess,

You might as well lock me in a cell.
My feet trace the same path through the same hallways day after day.
My mind follows the pattern of remaining still, present but unspoken for.
I was not meant to live in a meaningless routine.
Living from weekend to weekend just isn't enough anymore.
When all my time is taken from me.
What do I like to do??
I've never had a choice before.
Go ahead, They'll never know
what I would have been capable of.

You don't know the half of it.

Concerts.
It's not as simple as I know it should be.
Dances. Dates. Saturday nights. Parties.
Alone.

I don't miss you, I just feel like I am missing something. I am missing.

"And even if somebody else has it much worse, that really doesn't change the fact that you have what you have. Good or bad."

Like my time is never really mine.
Sleep is my only excuse
But it's never enough.
There's too much that I want.
Anxiety pulls harder with every
message on the phone.
Stretched so thin, I am a translucent
memory of what I used to dream about.
Yanking, Dragging, and Attempting
to confine me to limits that don't exist.
And I have no clue where my life went.
All I know is that it's friday night, and no one understands
that I am trapped.


"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

Familliar

Bonfires and carnivals that I didnt go to.
Stupid math homework and Burnt cinnamon buns.
Akward pasts crawling from their places in my memory.
I like when you ask me how my day was.
Even if I have nothing to say.

5/1/10

When you start to go out without your make-up on.
When you start staying in every saturday night.
When you start laying in bed all day.
That's when I'll worry.
But now, I know that sometimes you feel nothing.
And your thoughts are growing deeper and deeper into a place only you can find.
The hopelessness you have not yet named.
And I know why.
I've heard those screams before. Silent bedroom doors open a crack.
Short monotone answering machine voices. "conversation"
And most of all, I know that telling you I know will not help.
But showing you could change everything before you ever reach the bottom.

I've been awake for a while now...

Calm dreary mornings when you were always
With me in my thoughts
And not in my arms.
A Sleeting silver afternoon when everything
is opposite.
French Vanilla
Spring nights warm and heavy
Filled with chances
And slippery ponds.

Nowhere else.

This is my home.
The scent of rain on aluminum
Sunshowers over the growing grass and crisp blacktop driveway
That I have traced every crack to.
A front porch of well worn, sun bleached wood
Accustomed to our summer routine.
Chasing fireworks.
Deep magenta skies.
That one star.
Nowhere else.

Turn

I wasn't doing it on purpose.
It wasnt so much that I was changing, it was just that everything else was staying the same.
Trapped between the same nothingness and that first step.
A tiny limited world of indifference.
Slowly dying.

And he said "Turn from your indifference!"
God is still in the process of redemption.

Far away eyes.

Singing the song that started it all.
I watched the world today.
With my eyes and ears open far too wide.
My mind being everywhere,
disreguarding everything considered "Important"
I wonder if she doesnt realize the selfish hateful sound of her voice,
or if she likes to feel intimidating.
Why we sit in opposite seats in heavy silence.
Double standards and revenge hanging in the air.
My far away eyes.
I still dont know what love means.

Mother.

I become her afterthought.
Noticing how the ones I love are either hurting me, or letting it happen.
Feeling stuck.
She is scared that if I leave, I might not miss her.
I haven't any reason to.
The only parts worth missing are long lost,
somewhere in my childhood.

Not even allowed a chance to explain.
That I matter.
Because apparently to her, I don't.
And I pray that God keeps me alive long enough to escape.
Because now, like every attempt before, is not the right time.
To be free.

Confusion.

Wake me up with cold dances in the river.
Laughing at the pile of garbage that lay behind us.
I may be the only one.

April

I'm living in this fast paced, big deal, nothing else matters type of teenage world.
And I, of all people, should have known this would turn out in imperfection.
I might always wonder.

You can transcend. To get to a place where you are free, and able to dance.

BIRTHRIGHT from Sean Mullens on Vimeo.

Losing Touch.

New songs and old memories.
Sometimes in weakness, right before I wake,
my mind still drifts back to you.
How invincible we were.
And how our timing was never quite right.
Somehow leading to downward spirals.
Losing touch with reality.
With no safe point to return to.
No words could have saved me from what I didnt understand.
Will I ever be able to say goodbye?

If it's true you can see it with your eyes, even in the dark.

Remember that first day in November.
I was made brand new, and broken down by lifetimes.
In only one night.
I have lost my voice since then.

I'd like to talk on the phone again.
I have some things to say again.
The way I haven't been in a long long while.

Open Your Eyes.

You treat me differently now.
I will never forget the way you listened to me.
It was not a waste of time.
I've learned that there are many different colors of love.
Open your eyes.

I will not fight for your attention.
Second chances.
What I have left is a few good songs,
and another distant friend.
You'll ask me how I'm doing when you finally remember.
And I'll lie. Don't you worry, I'll lie.

So what is love, and who am I?

I am writing this peice for my writitng workshop class.
It's about my family vacactions in maine.
Or atleast, what I wanted them to be.
I left out the part about my parents divorce. And about how my sister hated me, and how my father and I couldnt get along.
And how I was so depressed that one summer, the feeling still haunts me late at night.
I left out the reason I stayed up on the beach that one night.
I didnt mention how I feel about the stars, and why it all started there, and ended there.
I disreguarded my mom completely. And how confusion and emptiness are overlayed with false excitement in each of my memories with her.
I am writing it the way I wish it would have happened.
My memoir has turned into a fantasy.
Where's the truth in that?

Someone's ringing my bell, in a room without a view.

I try to escape while I'm awake.
Only to come tumbling down.
Almost sending me back.
But I am caught.
And turned around,
turned around,
turned around.

Never Never Land.

Slowly revealing how human we are.
With far too much to run from.

Should I take another look,
who am I without you?

Only Escape.

I shake off the heaviness in my head.
I push myself a little harder toward something I'm not sure that I want.
Sleep drags at my mind.
My only escape.

Swallowed in the Sea.

Passenger seat tears unnoticed,
there is no comfortable silence.
People talk without saying much at all.

Everytime I find a way to feel whole again, it slips away.
Kind of like You did.

Nature's first green is gold.
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower.
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So eden sank to grief.
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
- Robert Frost

Death is at your doorstep, and it will steal your innocence, But it will not steal your substance.

I looked in the mirror and thought 'Good enough'.
It seemed strange to me how people have organized the world.
When it was already laid out before our eyes.
How freedom is sometimes a contradiction, materializing with consequences.
When the price of what we want gets in the way of how we feel about it.
I wont allow myself to become limited.



The Reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself. -Rita Mae Brown

Within arms length.

No one else has ever made me feel so many different emotions at the same time. And each time we speak I can taste a little bit of how much you used to love me. And each time we say goodbye I remember that it can never last. I realize that you're everything I'm not. That you can grasp the world in a way I will never be able to. And to think that I never knew you were so great, when you were right within arms length.

Fresh

January seems so long ago.
I am becoming more and more amazed by the snow.
And light and people and disease and death.
I'm learning not to be afraid to ask questions anymore.

We treat mishaps like sinking ships.

Those innocent eyes that are confused with love and hate.
That will grow up in fear of sleep.

I guess we'll always be the kids who will take chances even when we have everything to lose, with the faith that the ones we're up against won't take it all away.

Shake the Dust.

I sing along to this poem like it is my favourite song.
Full of flavour and freshness.
Enjoy.

Semi-fresh Eyes.

2/11/10
I remember that because of her I learned to live a little more.
It's strange that one time she said I was a friend she would never forget, but now I know that's really not up to her. And I pray that it comes back to her.

"I'm starting to believe the ocean's much like you. Because it gives and it takes away."


2/12/10
I dont know if it is true, but I think maybe it's better that she doesnt remember those painful things and the people in the past. It was too much pain for her to carry. God is helping her start over. Helping her to remember what matters. And to look at things with semi-fresh eyes.

And if you say that there's no truth, and who cares, How come you say it like your right?

Februrary

Stop trying, and just do it.
I like being a part of this world.

Kiss me goodbye, I'm Defying Gravity.

I went to see wicked on broadway a few months ago for an early birthday present. I think the song 'Defying Gravity' sums up the entire play. It gives me chills whenever I hear it. I've always believed that gravity is a metaphor for many things...
I am not a huge fan of the theatre, but I do have an appreciation for it. And I absolutely love this play. It covers so many things, but all at once it's really simple. "I hope you're happy"

"I'm through accepting limits

'cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till i try, I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down"

The lyrics alone are beautiful, but hearing it performed it amazing. Here is a link for a video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3YZYamkCEw

Away

The way you try to scare me.
The way I push people away.

"I'm starting to believe the ocean's much like you, because it gives and it takes away"

Equilibrium

She remembered that day as the worst day ever. Remembered it every year.

It used to start every night around 1am. I never really noticed the equilibrium of beauty and tragedy. I only cry that hard once in a while now. I think those good times felt even better because I had something so terrible to compare it to.

And now it's all lost, but 'God is still in the business of redemption'

Runnin' with believers, no time for fever

Losing track of the days.

Sometimes we can pray through our actions.

Say what's on our minds...

Walk on, Walk on , Walk on

She couldnt perform until he got there.
And when he did she smiled more and moved flawlessly.
And we all watched and cheered her on.
The thing that I love the most about being with them
is that they care so much.
They knew how important this was to her.
There was nowhere else we would rather be.

I never wanted to forget.

I dont feel familiar feelings like I used to.
I remember things. But I can't feel them so much anymore.
I never wanted to forget.
Those feelings are so distant.
There is nothing left between us.
But I'm thinking maybe this nothing is better than tension and bitterness and leftover apologies.
I guess that maybe now I'm free from all of those feelings.
To carry on without attachments.
I think it feels okay being unattached to anyone.
I am afraid to let myself be defined by another person.
I dont know if that is good or bad.

Resolution.

Wanting to be where I am.

It's easier said than done.

Happy New Year :)

Remember you said we would get married.
We said we would love eachother forever, and ever, and ever...
But I keep getting lost in the present.
And I'm pretty happy.