And I Hope That Sometime This City Sees Stars.

Why don't we do things? It's friday.
You brought me back home. You did it for attention.
It's empty here. Everything is beige.
I really can't take it anymore.

Why don't we do something?? It's the weekend.
These are the times of our lives when we're supposed to be having fun,
But we couldn't even muster up a conversation today.
Makes me wonder why we're friends.
I don't believe you ever wonder.
About anything.

I recall on that morning, I sat there again
with my cup of coffee and all those caring people.
And it didn't make an impression on you.
I don't think you understand how much I appreciate what they have.
To know that some people live the way I wish I could...

That calmness that I appreciated so much
Means something completely different for her.
I was glad not to have someone making conversation to fill the silence
But to her it was like a ticking time bomb.

I'm so used to your yelling that I find a song in it.
It's kind of like hardcore screamo music.
Loud, angry, and difficult to understand.
It doesn't bother me, but I don't really like it.


You know what? Today was one awful day.
But tomorrow will be better.
It has to be.

And I hope that sometime this city sees stars.

Today

The anxiety, the sadness and the fear,
to just stay in bed all day, everyday, hiding.
I understand what they were saying now
about taking it one day at a time, and some would be good
and some would be bad.

Things

The point is not to have time to feel empty.

Like water in my lungs...

It shouldn't be this way. That's it.
Everything needs to change but nothing will.
Nothing ever will.

Somewhere in between the beginning and the end,

In San Francisco we had this routine of going out to dinner every night and then walking around and coming back to our hotel. Sometimes we would take the bus and sometimes the car. And I remember feeling like if I could make you smile or laugh at least once everything would be ok. I never wanted to ask you about what would happen after we left, because I didn't want to think about being home, or you being alone or things going back to the way they were before.
Tonight Emma and I looked through my pictures and she told me about the mean teacher in her confirmation class, and I had that same feeling. She found the pictures of the magician we saw on the pier and we both couldn't remember his name...

"This is not a coincidence"

You asked me if I believe in God. I said yes.
You asked me if I pray and I said I don't know.
You brought up going to church, I said I didn't want to go.
You got angry, I understood why. And I started thinking...

That sometimes getting into a routine can leave us mindless and empty.
But I remember going to church a long time ago, and they said that God wants us to go to church on sundays so we don't forget. So we don't lose our faith.
And I think that both those ideas are right, it's just that we are flawed...

Because after going to church for months, it became boring to me.
I felt like I was wasting time.
And now, after I have stopped going, I forget about God sometimes.
Until you brought it up that night.

I remembered that every week Pastor Buddy would tell us that God loves us.
And he would make us say it until we believed it.
I think it was important that he reminded us of that.
The first time I went to church there I felt brand new, and I remember I almost cried, and I even sang along to some of the songs. I remember thinking that if God loves me so much no matter how flawed I am, what am I going to do to actually be worthy of it?

But after a while of going to church there, I didnt have that feeling that I got the first night, and some things changed and I started to take it for granted.
Until that night when you were driving home and we were sitting in silence and I was thinking all this and I was so angry with you for not letting me drive.
And this might sound cliche, but I remembered what Pastor Buddy had said week after week. That God loves both of us equally as much even if we don't understand eachother.
And I wonder if you realized this too, because after that you asked me about my job applications. And it's different when you ask me about things, because I can tell it's because you care and not because you think your supposed to...

Ticking time bomb.

That calmness that I appreciated so much
Means something completely different for her.
I was glad not to have someone "making conversation" to fill the silence,
But to her it was like a ticking time bomb.
Waiting, Anticipating in fear.

I saw her tired, bloodshot eyes that day
as she spoke to me in short breaths.
Always holding on for one more minute,
pushing herself further for one more person...

Weekend

What I live for are the times when I can get away.
Movie theaters and mom vans, running out of money, going apple picking,
French vanilla coffee and cider donuts, walking and talking, and driving away and away and away.
And coming back home.