Honest

The months after she had my brother
There was something sort of honest in her sometimes.
We had conversations, almost like normal people.
How can I make her remember that?

Forgetting Myself

She didn't always act so big, always trying to get back at me for something I must have done.
I feel like maybe she wouldnt want me to be invisible, if I hadnt lost myself in the first place.
Maybe I could have learned all this without her hating me so much.
But I wish that maybe she would hate me a little more quietly though.
Because then I would remember to apologize for being a ghost for so long.

"If you had eyes like golden crowns and diamonds in your fingertips you'd waste it"

It's because you didn't cheer loud enough for me.
Because just being there is not enough. It was never enough.
It's because I can't remember a time you stood up for me.
Or a time you apologized for getting angry.
Because whenever I started to grow, you found a way to hurt me.
As if, by simply existing, I was hurting you.
And you couldn't let it go. Let me go.

'Like you were just a wish that could turn out well'

Somehow... I missed it.
Growing up like everyone else.
And I know that it's fine not to be like everyone else.
But they seem so happy, and I want that.
I want it so badly.


I don't know why
I felt like I had to stay still, silent, and invisibile.
Why I listened to whatever was making me feel this way.
Why I blame certain people
But maybe it was my fault?

"No. You need to let that one go. All of that is mine."

No songs match how I feel.
So I know, that I can't keep coming back
to being this way.
Because 'everything's ok'
except I'm lost.
And that's how she prefers me to be.

There's a lack of color here

I'm just not a fan of being stuck in a room for 3 hours, being forced to write two essays, and then left alone at a lunch table where I have five minutes to eat, while people are yelling at me because I don't know what time it is.

Million Miles Away, In the Big Sky

You had a baby girl.
I was sitting in math class.

I think you know, that people are expecting you to fuck this up.
But I know that you will do the right thing.
You have a baby girl.

From comparing myself to everyone else around me,

I'm content with living this way until I see people in love.
And think that I've never really known that.
You finally have the girl you always wished I could be.

But as a matter of fact, I could never be her.
I've been forgotten, No one has molded me into something precious.
I'm not pretty and little, I'm quite the mess.
And I would tell you about it, but I dont know where to start.
So I hide it away, beneath a heavy pile of silence,
and every part of me that's given up.

Why don't we

Why don't we walk in the rain anymore
or talk on the phone?
Why don't we dance in public?
or ride our bikes?
Why don't we stay up all night anymore?

Because people we love have been sick,
And the ones close to us took everything,
Because trust has been lost,
And we have forgotten.

Why don't we start fresh?

She

Acts like she is bigger than the ocean
More destructive, powerful, stronger, better

at lying to herself
than anyone else.

Hang up the phone,
Where are you?

Dear self,

Remember you said to have more faith in people.
Don't dissolve. You are substantial now. Don't lose it.
Speak with your back straight, don't let your voice die.
This is not going to break you.

Yesterday, your stage fright was gone.
You barely shook.
And you didn't trip on stage.

Things have changed.

Here.

Whoever yells the loudest
Wins the fight.
By any means necessary?
You're still wrong.
How dare you?

This is not a coincidence.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.

This give and take is becoming too much.
Remember the goosebumps raised on my skin from the dark ocean winds as I walked along the abandoned shore. Watching shadows of people holding hands in the distance to the melancholy sound of acoustic guitars and sad voices singing love songs above me, and the constant spark of a lighthouse, unreachable. All I wanted was for someone to stay with me, and let me show them how the sun lit up the sky so carefully until the clouds were on fire. To feel the ocean carry away what lay under my feet, and how the water connected me to everything at once. The entire universe was hanging above me. I was alone.
I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like you,
Because if gives and it takes away.