It's been a while

I feel like I'm literally losing my mind. I can barely think or breathe. I feel anxious and constantly unsettled and I have trouble thinking positively. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I always feel sick to my stomach. Thinking of the future literally scares me to death. I can't focus or function at all. I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. Someone please tell me HOW everything changed so fucking fast and out of nowhere. How am I supposed to keep the same when everything has changed. More importantly, how am I supposed to change and keep up when I liked myself the way I was? I don't know how to keep moving on with my life without losing my whole self. I don't know how to still be the same person when almost everything has changed. I don't know how to still be happy. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about anything. And I don't know what to even do about that.

What happened

Its not even like we're going in separate directions. I'm going and you're not and it can't stay that way. I used to think so much of you. I always told you I think you're great. And you really just ruined it. I dont think of you the same way. And I love you but I don't know what to say when you tell me I mean the world to you. And you say you want a future but you really don't act like it. You talk about the future like it's so far away but it's not you have to work toward it now. And if you need help then ask for it. But I'm not about to tell you what to do like a parent. Get your fuckin act together. I don't know how else to say it.

Christmas Eve Strangers

When you feel more comfortable around strangers than people who know you.
When you can't trust the people you're supposed to.
And you begin to question everything.
A friendship you thought would always be there is ruined so quickly.
So easily. And you moved on better than you thought you would.
When you long for being alone and nowhere.
It would be so easy to leave all of you behind.

Maybe it was genuine. When I touched your hair and you cried.
I won't regret giving you a second chance. I already don't.

Fucked up

I hate how you get fucked up all the time.

I always thought you would look at me differently,

But I never thought I would be the one to change my mind.

I don't care. I'm paranoid and jealous and fucking crazy.

So I hope you're happy.

Because I realized that without you I'm alot better.

I would be fine. It only took 3 days to get over you.

And I meant what I said, We have different standards.

Because I look at you sometimes and wonder what kind of girl I am.

Ballet

I miss ballet. I miss smelling like a dance studio- like sweat, and broken in shoes, the metal from the bar, and something more. I miss the cold bar on my hot hands and body. I miss stretching and feeling long and tall. I miss the structure. The Quiet. The noise. I miss being so thirsty, and water tasting so good. I miss improving. I miss having a place to go for me. Not for school, not for work, not for anyone else. I might not ever be in the Nutcracker or swan lake but I like ballet and it reminds me who I am. Who I am without anything else.

Kid cudi and Dirty Couches.

I'm so over those good times.
I was sad but it's not sad anymore.
In fact, I can't remember what was so great about them.
That should make me sad but it doesn't.
Those friends were fun but they drifted away.
Except for the one that ruined everything.
But you don't understand, that doesn't even make me sad anymore.
Because I'm so over it. It's just how it is.
And I have things to do.

My sister thinks I'm a "fake bitch" too.
But that's cool. Just because I accused her of stealing my make-up.
And she writes terrible things on the internet about me. And that's cool too.
And people agree to it too. People I dont even know. But that's okay.
I mean it bothers me (and confuses me). But what am I gonna do?
When I realized what she was even talking about I thought
"Yeah, I guess I'm a bitch. Get the fuck over it, or atleast call me out on it."
And that's probably the bitchy way to respond to it too.
But I dont care. I have things to do.

I'm a little insulted that all she could call me was a fake bitch.
I'm alot of things but that doesn't really explain anything, or hurt me at all.
Maybe like self-centered, or passive-agressive, or cranky? All of those would really work. But calling me a fake bitch is just lazy.

College

In the long run I don't think it will matter wether or not I had the experience of going away to college. Because really, that's not the reason why people go to school. I mean it would be alot more fun, but maybe I just won't get the chance to do it. And thats okay.

Neck kisses

I love your neck kisses
In my moms house
Watching the snow outside
It's like you can't help it.

Favorite

Too passionate for my own good.
You say the same things as everyone else, except I believe you.
It will hurt so bad to forget you.
When I can't remember what you smell like
Or how you taste, or the way your lips feel
How soft your skin is and your fingertips at my waist
Your smile and your eyes and the sound of your exhale.
Your freckles. Your hair and how I'm the only one you let play with it.
Your clamy forhead. Your princess room. All of your stories.
Your voice is my favorite sound.
You're my favorite.

Heavy

I feel so heavy.

Our Song

Even if something really is wrong
I should be mad at you. But I won't be.
I'll want to be. But trust me I won't be.
I can taste you still. Feel you still.
And it's the best feeling in the whole entire world.
It might be stupid. But I don't ever want to let you go.

heartbeat

I think it was when I first listened to your heartbeat.
And you asked me if it was fast or slow.
And I told you it was medium.

Always and no matter what.

Yesterday I wanted to tell you that I'll love you always and no matter what.
But those are heavy words. I think I still mean them.
I will love you no matter what, and I never want that look to fade from your eyes. I know though, that it can't be permanent.

Too Bad

Spring time early mornings
Cold dew and smeared make-up
Kid cudi booming from your roomate's stereo
Sitting on those gross old couches
Singing along still a little drunk
First impressions
Princess walls
5am half-awake goodbye kisses
Tastes like blueberry smirnoff and absolut raspberry
sweet smoke. soft and dizzy.
We will never be that young again
As free as I was. You made me invincible
Too bad it didn't last.

The way you look at me.

How did you become so rediculously important to me?
I should be so mad at you. I should hate you.
I can't though. I could never.
Because of the way you look at me.
I think you're great.
I think you're amazing.
Someday there might be a time when you stop looking at me the way you do. And it will break my heart.

See you again

I don't know what I would do if I were to see you again.
I would expect an apology. I don't know why you never tried harder.
You know what, you're stupid.
You have poor judgement.
Did you fucking expect me to do everything for you?
You were a terrible friend.
What did you ever do for me?
Besides make me look terrible in front of all the people who I thought the highest of. Besides completely change my parent's trust and respect for me. Besides ask me for everything without even thinking about what I had to fucking do. And then to think you're better than me. Just fuck you.
In reality, I would probably stay quiet.

How it is

Our sex is all about what feels good; that's another thing.
I feel like sometimes there should be more.
Because in reality, there's more than just what feels good.
We had had sex at least 3 times before we said I love you.
Which I didn't think was wierd at first,
Because at first I didn't even connect the two. Sex and love.
You never have. Sex is just sex to you.
That's how it was with all those other girls.
I know that when you said it didn't mean anything, you weren't lying.
And that's why I always wondered how it was any different with me.
How you could do something with so many other people and have it mean nothing, and then do the exact same thing with someone you care about.
It still means nothing. And it shouldn't. That's what bothered me.
That's what still bothers me. But I don't know what to do.
This is just how it is.
I would ask you but you wouldn't tell me because you wouldn't want to hurt me.
You wouldn't want me to know how many girls,
or if you cared about any of them.
And I wouldn't tell you any of this, because you would be hurt.
That I think it means nothing with me. That it's not enough for me.
I don't know if it's something you can change.

Not strong.

I am not strong these days.
I've cried every chance I get.
I must be pretty annoying.
Everything was going great though.
I hadn't cried in so long.
There's nothing I can do for a while though.
So I'll just have to suck it up until then.
I probably won't.
Too much to worry about.
I've never had to worry about all this before.
It's my fault. I deserve it.

And I wanna believe you, when you tell me that it'll be okay

I don't know what I'm going to do when I find out for sure.
Because I really love you. That's why it's so sad.
Before... I was angry. When I just started to sorta like you.
But I let it go, and I shouldn't have.
I don't know how I'm going to tell you.
I don't know if we could still be together.
This could be why we break up.
It's so embarrassing.
I don't know how I'm going to tell you.
But I need to find out.

I trusted you.
I trusted you.
I shouldn't have.
It's not your fault.
I deserve this.

Different

I don't understand how you don't pay attention to how I respond. I was so sad today.
You didn't even notice until I made you look me in the eyes. Even after I told you how it worries me. You kept going. I wanted you to make sure I was okay but you kept going. And I know, how were you supposed to know? But you did before. You just should have known. We're so different. I used to think so highly of you. I used to not thing anything of you.

I love you but
"We're so different."
You wouldn't talk to me today when I said that to you. Whenever you know I'm right you just stop. And even when I'm wrong. You give up and I hate it. I wanted you to say something great. Even if it was something sad. I want you to tell me something significant. I want you to fight with me even if I think youre wrong. Or apologize, or both. I want you to fight with me. We've never had a serious conversation. I'm so scared of what you'll say whenever I bring something up. Maybe that's why you're not always honest. But isn't that worse?

It's sad but I liked myself better before I loved you. You make me feel insecure. Like I have something to prove.