Note to self:

You are fine.
No, you are great.
Stop wondering what is wrong with you.
Because that is your only problem.
Change is not your enemy.
You are beautiful no matter what.
Don't be ashamed of yourself.

You already know how to be alone.
Discover how to be in love.
Fearlessly.

What happens

I suppose that once we decide something is over it will never be the same.
Even if we change our minds.

I used to dance so beautifully.
It came naturally and it felt right.
And I was sure of it.

All I want is to be sure again.

Suburbia and a sunrise.

And there are times when it seems like the only thing that's changed is my mind.
But it really doesnt matter wether or not I loved him.
Or wether or not I still do.
We are going on wether or not.
I'd rather be worry free.

Better

Remember that night.
I was surrounded all alone.
They suffocated me.
I danced in the street.

And it felt good and stupid and pointless and meaningful.
Better than nothing.
Now I lose track of the days.
And not in the good way.

A good song was playing and I danced.
I wish it were still that simple.

I danced alone.
Because I am alone.
And that's okay sometimes.

Screams.

Its all changing.
It's hard for me to balance
living and thinking about living.
And breathing. Breathing.

Reality

Reality is an illusion.
Because I am what I want and that changes constantly but I am still the same.
And that makes sense if you dont think about it.

You finally found the courage to let it all go...

I am making a christmas list.
I want lots of art things.
And Music things.
I not sure if im going to like those things. But I think I might.
And I want to.

I'd like to figure out what I am.
Because I think of all my friends who know who they are and what theyre doing.
And I think they are so strong because they are sure. Definite and permanent.
But I know for a fact, I'm not permanent.
Maybe my thing is that im always changing and wishing I wasnt and trying not to but not being able to help it.
That is a long title and I dont like it.

Bittersweet. As always.

How do you break up with someone who wont even bother talking to you?
Oh my petty teenage problems.
I'm glad I know what I deserve.
And this is not it.
Especially on my fucking birthday.

I am grateful for friends who make me fun-fetti birthday cakes.
For heaters on school buses. and phones.
For yearbooks and favorite songs and conversation and memories.
And inside jokes.
For long distance family and friends.
Patience and words and honesty.

I have felt a spectrum of emotions today.
And I sit here feeling.
I do what I have to.

Everything's not lost

I am happy. Because I can be. And I should be.

You and I will have a talk tomorrow... But no matter what the outcome, I will find a way to be happy. Because my happiness does not depend on wether or not everything goes according to my plan. Infact, I dont believe my happiness is rational at all. But I feel ok and that's all that matters now.

"Give me truth; Cheat me by no illusion."

I think its because you didnt know me well enough
to wonder if something was wrong that day.
Because I could have told you everything.
Or maybe you just didnt care.
And that part doesnt bother me, because its the truth and I can accept that.
It hurts that you might be lying to me,
That you dont think I deserve to know the truth.
Which I do. I deserve that much.

We dont bring out the best in eachother the way I wish we could.