Settle.

Filling out
My application
For community college.
I shouldn't
Be asked to settle.

Nothing,

Nothing happened, I'm just not happy.
And you know, happiness is temporary
But so is feeling terrible.
And right now I am in between
I am going nowhere, just empty.
And it seems to drag on and on.
And I'm sick of it always finding me.
I'm so sick of coming home.
This place is pitiful.
And I am lost in it.

Getting Out.

Need to stop waiting to be saved.
Need to get myself out.
Even though I didn't choose to be stuck.

I've heard it before.

But it's not that simple.
Tell me how to fix it.
Tell me how to make it better now.
Because I've thought of ways to possibly fix things in time.
Long amounts of time.
Years.
But what am I going to do tomorrow?
What am I going to do?
Everyone already thinks what they think.
And how can I possibly get anywhere
when everyone has already made up their minds about me?
And every chance I get to ask for what I want,
I am silent.
Because I am shocked.
That everyone I talk to has decided that I am less.
And I expect it, but I never know how to react.

I think,
that none of this will last.
Someday I will be far away.
And you won't know me anymore.
All of this will become a cloudy memory.
I don't know if it's sad because I'll miss you,
Or because I'll look back and think of how trapped and wasted I was.
It's a shame I ever had to feel this way.

Better than me.

I've never wanted to start fresh this badly.
Just redo my entire life.
Because this isn't who I am.
And no one knows it but me.

Opposite Ocean.

I miss the palm trees and tall buildings with sun slicing in between.
The sky and the people and the ambiguity.
Lying on the grass hearing the city moving beneath me
I felt different.

Christmas

Such a contradiction.
Sleeping pink bunny baby.
Nothing else to talk about.
Unexpected apologies.
Looks of concern.
Forgetting to say Grace.
Lots of wine and lame party games.
Wrapping paper.
Coffee.
Different.
Hours passing.
Songs.
Bare tree.
Last minute.
What happened?
To make us this way?

Weak.

What has happened to me?
I am weak. How did I let this happen?
I tell myself that it's because I have a problem with authority.
But really I'm just lazy.

Why do I care so much about what people think?
It doesn't fucking change anything.
Why do accept other people's judgements?
Why have I let it ruin me?
I used to dance when I felt like it
And say what I felt without second guessing.
I had such a passion for dance.
What happened to me?
I was so passionate about everything.
I was able to public speak without any worries.
Who was that girl?

Everything I do, she scrutinizes.
She always finds a problem.
With how I talk, or move, or exist.
Meanwhile she is nothing
but scared, and just plain mean.
And she might get praise for it, people might say it's "Funny"
But it's wrong.
And I can't believe I let it affect me.
I changed my entire self just so there wouldn't be any problems.
Because its ok for her to pass judgement, but when I stand up for myself it becomes a problem.
Even after I do all I can to make her feel better.
Do everything I know how just to cheer her up, and all she can do is tear me down.
It's not going to happen anymore.



"You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.Love you my friend.- Anonymous"

Christmas Eve

Arguments and tears seem to be a christmas tradition here.
But I think this one might actually be a good one.
It hadn't felt much like christmas until now.
We never sang Joy to the World.
And I know it doesnt really make sense, but I miss it.
I miss the way I explored the world like a new born child.
And what christmas trees used to stand for...
It's just a tree.

Saturday nights.

Have been spent doing better things.
No tengo las ganas.

I realize that unless I do something,
All this would just be a list of complaints about my life.
So here I am, dealing with it.