Bulletproof weeks

I'm spending time going back tonight.
Because the other day, my mom asked me if I wanted to go see Jamie tworkowski speak at sage college. And I had forgotten about how much To Write Love On Her Arms has meant to me. And how I found them in the first place.
I used to want to be an intern for them in florida. I remember saying I want to be a part of this. I think it might be uncomfortable to go with her though. Because she used to come to church with me, and it was uncomfortable. They would talk about love and God and she would nod and make sounds of agreement like she lived that way.
And it bothered me so much. Because her nodding and righteousness didn't matter. Thats not what any of it was about. It's about humanity and community, and you're supposed to do something, not sit there and nod and look like a good person. And then when it's over go home and act hateful, because you nodded in church so people think you're good. No.
I don't want this night to end up like church.
But also, I don't understand how she thinks.
I don't know if I can talk to her during the car ride home about what they will say.
Because to her, it will only be something to talk about.
But I wonder, if I tell her what I think of the world, how will it hit her?
If we talked about all those people I said
You know what, sometimes I dont blame them.

Ghosts

When he told me about the clouds in the night sky.
How they escaped the chimneys and turned into ghosts.
He was scared of them.
They're you.
The voices,
The screams I hear when I'm in between asleep and alive.
They're you.

Shouldn't have to ask.

I want someone to kiss and hug. I crave affection.
I haven't felt like this since right before I met you.
You were so different.
I don't want someone to ask me how my day was everyday.
You shouldn't have to ask me.

2/16/11

Sometimes I lose myself.
I don't participate in life.
There's so much I don't understand,
That I tend to separate myself.
I see things so simply.

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me" -Ayn Rand

I admire Ayn Rand for her freedom. She made herself heard.
Can you blame her for thinking she was superior?
Everyone gave her so much attention.
It all seems like a huge contradiction to me.
But still, Can you blame her?

Smile

I don't think you understand...
That it completely makes my day
if I say something that makes you smile.
I wish we weren't so different.

Human.

Without government it would be chaos, he said.
No, It's already chaos. It's chaos either way.
"Government" is not the problem, people are the problem.
Aren't we all people?
I am the problem.
I am a saint and a sinner.
There is no difference.

I do not possess a political mind.
I can only think about humanity, people.
Politics make no sense to me. Government bewilders me.

Why

Completely and totally empty.
I get so tired sometimes that I can't make myself function.
WHY do you hate me so much?

What I live for

There are times when I understand how people can take their own lives.
And there are times when I remember why I don't.
What I live for.

Trying not to exist

I'm sitting here trying not to exist
And you think I can't hear you.
But I can.
It's just curtains.
Who really wins?