Could have loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold....

Things are complicated. parents friends... everyone else.
I'm listening to taylor swift, trying to calm myself down...
Her songs are so honest, alot of them bring me to tears.


My best friends birthday party is tomorrow.
I had to turn down a babysitting offer.
But honestly, I'd rather be babysitting.

Maybe real love is the kind that doesnt come with apology letters.

Remember to smile when things go wrong.
Remember that imperfection is as good as it will get.

I miss the times when everything was just simple.
People were who they were, and we knew what we were doing.
Everything was comfortable.
The sunsets are more beautiful from my street.
Our whole world fades pink.
Or atleast, it used to be our world.
I dont know who we are anymore.

I want to go back to when I knew.
If there ever was a time...

I needed someone to tell me that there were no answers.
That there is no explanation for why things happened the way they did.
I needed someone to tell me that I had to get on with my life.

Summer 07.
Alot happened. I lived it, and moved on.
With help from my best friend, and she didnt even know it.
Theres some things that really only a best friend could understand.
And now everything is pulling me back.
He made me smile like no one else could. With those eyes.
That was love. Wether we knew it or not.
I think I've forgotten how to feel that way for someone.
I tried to forget all about him, because of the lies, the hurt.
Maybe real love is the kind that doesnt come with apology letters.
And yes, it is gone now. But it was there.
We were blinded.
True love is blind.
I think that is the only way love can exist. Unconditional. Blind.

I lied to myself when I made those promises to a stranger.
The stranger who I used as a distraction.
Only made things more complicated than what I was running from.
And I'm realizing now, what is real and what isnt.
Love is real wether its announced or not.
Sometimes one look can say it all.
One smile.
It blinded us from everything less than perfect.
It worked so well.
When you love someone, You just know.
I cant believe I'm just remembering this.
I was in love once.
Forever was not an issue. It was more perfect than I knew.
I wish I had a picture.

In a silent sea, anyone would drown.

This is my third blog entry of the night.

I want to re-fill my walls with new things.
But I dont want to unpack my bags.
Because they hold my hopes of leaving this young empty life.

Familiar songs comfort me tonight...
No use crying, get on with your life... breathe...

I came down here to tell you, it rains in heaven all day long...

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."-Rene Magritte

Maybe we are better off not knowing.
Why do we need to figure everything out?
If we knew every little thing that was going on in this world, wouldnt that be sad?
To know that some people are happy while other people are dying.
To feel such diverse emotions so strongly and simultaneously.
God must feel tortured up in heaven... to know everything that is going on in our world.
And when I think about it, maybe we are all made to be a little bit bipolar.
Split personalities. Maybe people are born both good and bad. And then we are all just left to decide which one we want to be. All on our own. We all have to make the decision for ourself, alone. And yet we are together in the fact that we are all trying to decide over the same two options. And maybe the lines between good and bad, right and wrong are blurred sometimes.
Or maybe there is no such thing.

I love how this quote I posted basically says that when you try to interpret and analyze the world, it only becomes more complicated. And yet I do it anyway. We do it anyway...

How's your halo?

We're all damaged.

My head is as empty as my walls.

I want... someone I can call and talk to who will listen to me and make me feel better.

And I had that, and it is gone now.

Gone with all those letters and diaries and notes that I tore to peices.

My past has been torn apart and thrown away, and I have nothing left to remind me who I am or what I want or what I've learned. Its all gone. Forgotten.

And

I want it back. All of it.

I would write it all down, to remember. I would remember it all, no matter how much it would hurt at the time. Because now, I would kill to have those memories again.

'with my cup of coffee, and all those caring people...'

They take care of eachother, and they learned that from eachother.
They're not perfect, but they're happy.
And I stood among them as a guest. Happy to be a part of a moment in their lives.
I just took it all in.
I didnt realize it then, but I was copying that moment into my memory.
Wether they remember me or not, that moment will always resemble happiness to me.
I wish I could have taken a picture.

too many locks, too many lies, too many tears, too many cries, too many barriers...

Something makes me want to retreat back into the darkess that I stayed in for so long.
Hide in the emptiness where nothing can touch me.
Where I cant hurt anyone, and I cant be hurt.
But theres no way, because no matter what I do someone is unhappy and it is my fault.

I'm trying to write something meaningful. Something beautiful and touching. But I cant think of words to reach anyone. All I can think is that I needed an apology. Needed meaning it is too late now. Now, what I need is a change. And that is all I have ever asked for, but somehow everything is my fault.

Why are we bitter?
That is what I cant stand in the people around me.
That is what I tried so hard not to be.
But then I look in the mirror, and the eyes I see are bitter and tired.

I make mistakes. But why are they overlooked until they can be shoved in my face.
I cannot handle every single thing I have ever done wrong thrown at me at once.
Its not healthy to have happen, and its not a healthy thing to learn.
I learn from my mistakes. Its not like I am incapable of learning.
All this punishment is unnecessary.

It's hard for me to believe that I went from utter happiness, to a total mess in the length of one weekend.

And I just want to go back.
To suanne's car on the way to the beach.
To lauren's house with my cup of coffee, and all those caring people.
To my living room with my little brother watching movies.
But I cant go back.

I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like you, because it gives and it takes away...

'And thats when I decided... Why should I care?'

Cold chicken fingers for dinner.
Screaming fights.
Fake smiles.
A half packed up bedroom.
Blank bulletin board and clothes folded on the floor.


"You are going to live with your father. It will be our last day together. Pack your bags. It will be like you never even lived here."
I swear to God I heard those words.
"Your brother is sleeping"
I heard those words too. And that was when I realized that I could never leave him.
But my bags are still half packed, along with my pictures and personal belongings.

I found two notes I wrote to myself over the summer while I was cleaning out my stuff.
I hid them well enough so that I didnt find them when I went to tear apart my past.
Everything is a mess. My life is more fucked up than it needs to be.
I daydream of leaving and starting over just to get through the day.
I cant trust anyone.
I have to tell myself that I will be okay. Because no one else will.
I cant even put my thoughts into words.
Because I think that maybe they will go away if I keep them in my head.

in the light of the sun, is there anyone....

What happened to us?

"When you love somebody, you always love them, don't you? Isn’t there always some small part of you that still reads their horoscope in the newspaper everyday?"

Amp Hangovers.

I'd like to tell you that my life is happy, and the people that surround me are nice, and that my mother isnt repeating the argument we just had to my stepdad right now exaggerated and loud enough for me to hear. But that would be a monster of a lie. I'd like to tell you that I could spend a weekend with my mother, or even ten seconds without tension or uptightness. But that would also be a lie. Even more than that, it would be impossible. I spent friday and saturday with one of my friends. And her life is full of good things, and she doesnt realize it. We drove to a peter harris with her dad's girlfriend before she had to go to work and they had a conversation. They just talked about things, and listened to the radio. And listened to eachother. And that is so unheard of to me, because both of my parents are not the 'conversation' type of people. And I just sat there, I had no idea what they were saying because the car engine was so old and loud, but the atmosphere was happy. I was happy in that moment. And then it hit me that they were driving me home, and I almost cried. Right there in the backseat background. Because my brother would be crying and my mother would be angry and my sister would be hiding and my stepdad would be working. And everyone has their place, and mine is to stand in the background and be quiet. And you'd think she would be happy that I'm making friends, and trying to be happy. But she doesnt listen to me when I talk about the people I know. So she doesnt know them, and she doesnt trust my opinions. Which takes me back to about seventh grade, with screaming fights in the doorway of my old bedroom. Everything is too much to write in a blog. A lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse. I'm going to remember this if I become a mother. No one in this world deserves to feel this way. I told her I'm going to live with my dad. I wasnt kidding, but she doesnt listen to a word I say. A year ago, I was dead enough inside to try to leave her behind along with my brother. But I dont know if I can leave him anymore. Because If I decide to stay with my dad, I wont be coming back to this house. Its so dysfunctional, that even years and years of explaining would not make someone understand. That is not a joke, because I've tried.



I dont want to try to please people anymore. That was what I wanted when I tried to leave last year. I'm not taking the easy way out this time. I'm not going to turn to any distractions, because nothing, no one will make this better.