Far away

I can't even go back to the fucking therapist because I feel like I let her down. I can smell your breath still. And even when you're right in front of me, I can't seem to wake myself up. I'm far away and disconnected.
All the time.

Nervous

I can't get the taste of you out of my mind.
Same with this sore throat I have in the middle of summer.
And it's so difficult to connect the two.
Because one says you care about me, and the other says you don't.
And the thing is, I really started to like you, a lot.
But I don't know whether I should kiss you or turn away in disgust.
And I definitely don't know how to tell you.

So uncontrolably angry.

I think about how things have changed.
My mom is good at handling all the cliche teenage stuff I've been doing lately.
Because I bet she thought about it. And thought of what she would do if her kids ever did those things. But she never thought about anything else I would do. Not even when I was doing it. And I think that's why she got so angry. Why she always gets so angry. She knows that beating your kids will hurt them. But I don't think she knows what words do. Or at least she's never sat and thought about it. Never considered that maybe all that hatred is completely unnecessary.
There is just something inside her that makes her so uncontrollably angry.

Fireworks

I'm doing all the things we said we would do together with him.
I don't wish it was you, and I don't really miss you.
I just kind of realized.
I shouldn't end this just because I'm not used to it.
Just because it might be a little difficult.

Why can't you be, the part of me that's missing?

I've never been a couple.
I hate it because at parties with your friends I feel like I have to constantly stand at your side. Like that's what I'm expected to do.
I like your friend because when he's high he thinks everything is amazing.
It's like the sense of humor I have even when I'm sober.
But I think its kind of sad that he has to get high to enjoy things.
The thing is, you aren't really anything ever. We don't laugh at the same things at all.
And I understood the movie, and I could have told you a million meanings it had and so much shit about symbolism and imagery and love and darkness, and evil and freedom.
But if I told you what would you even say?
And maybe you think its okay when we sit outside and don't really have a conversation.
But I hate it. And sometimes I don't even want to kiss you and I don't want to talk or lay in bed or anything. And if you saw what's on my ipod, you probably wouldn't like half of it.
You're nice and protecting, but way too simple sometimes. You never tell me what you want or how you feel. Why can't you be upfront and tell me what you fucking want, or ask for something? Fucking talk to me. It took a over a month of this before you even called me beautiful, like do you know what you're doing or?
And every time I spend the night there I leave in last nights clothes, uncomfortable or hungover or both and then I have to take a detour to my house so it doesn't look like I came from your apartment. And then I come home smelling like weed and your cologne even though I haven't done the least of what my parents are worried about.
I know we're not right for eachother. Things would be so much easier, they would just happen and fall together. But when we're together my mind is so many other places. Like I'm wondering what time it is, what my friends are doing, have you ever done this before, what's on tv, who's outside in the kitchen, how am I going to tell you I have to leave. Sometimes I stay longer just to avoid the akwardness of telling you I have to go. And you don't always have to walk me to my car, just when it's dark out. Because it always akward when I'm driving back and I see you walking back to your house, like do I wave?

My goal in this relationship is just not to lose myself. I think that's sad. I had to tell you I was going to bed so I could just have some time. And I do that alot. For some reason, in order to feel close to me you have to tell me all the boring shit about your day and I should do the same. You don't even give me a chance to miss you, but the second I stop responding you'll lose interest. I almost forgot about my favorite songs and shows and books and movies. Like I can't just tell you off the top of my head everything there is to know about me, you just have to figure it out. Sometimes I don't even realize who I am until I start to lose it a little bit.

Loved more.

Right now we are 70/30.
You are the 70, you've always been the 70.
Actually maybe we're 60/40.
Halfway but not quite.

It just makes me feel better that if this goes wrong,
I can say I was never the one who cared more.
Or will I wish that I had been that one?

With you baby

I forget that you're my boyfriend sometimes
So sometimes I get bored of you and I want to just stop.
But I forget there's consequences for that now.

We're just so different. I always always fall for guys who are so different,
You're just the first time it actually followed through.
I can't be at every single party, that's just not how my life works.
I'm pretty sure this song reminds tons of girls of making out with you.
And there'll probably be more.

Something good for once

Food always tastes better when you're hungover.
Boys are not a priority. Parents are annoying and money is necessary.
Things are about to get really complicated. Now I remember why I never do this.
And is it even worth it? Are you even worth it, or am I just trying to prove to myself that I can keep something good for once.

Heart Beat

Right now it doesn't even matter if you never do the things you say, just that you're saying them at all. And for days I could still feel your arms around me... and I don't know about you but it's gone for me now.
I mean I wouldn't regret it, I wouldn't regret you. But wouldn't you rather it be more than just not a regret?
I never trust you when you say I have beautiful eyes. And I don't feel butterflies either.
I don't really know what I'm doing or what I want. But I like hearing your heart beat and when you wrap your arms around me tight. I like knowing that you're human and that I'm not alone. That's all I really know.

Invincible

My hand slips into yours so easily.
We won't be friends when this is over.
You make me feel invincible sometimes,
But when I come home it's complicated.

I call you by his name sometimes in my head.
Because I think you're great sometimes.