'this life is more than just a read through'

And you gave up on me.
But you dont see how I'm waking up every morning brand new.
And being weathered away by the day.
In the morning I'll be brand new.
Dont you worry.
You can just pretend that time isnt passing by us.
But maybe I wont be there when you wake up from this dream.
Maybe.

And if it would kill me to lose you, then I think that part of me was meant to die.

The part of me that cries for you.

But I will always be
the one who wishes to be permanent.
Wishes to be free.
I will be these things someday.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance. "

street lights

And I'll dance if I feel like it.
But that doesnt mean I'm happy,
I just wont give up.
I'm not going to hurt you on purpose.
Because life is complicated enough without going to bed and waking up angry.


So I'm just not sleeping.

'I'm not a monster I believe...'

You never apologized for the right things.
Neither did I.
And I dont care anymore.
But I know that I used to,
and I will take that everywhere I go.
But right now all I want is for the sun to come up on the beach.
Because I've never seen that before.
Simple.

Not real enough.

You will never be what I want you to be.
I have to be stronger.
Strong enough to know that you are not real enough.
That you are a star that burned out but still lingers.
You hang in the sky,
But that doesnt mean I have to look.

Like a star

Laying under the stars, you say
is the best feeling in the world.
But not when you're alone.
Not when you're alone.

Because I dont need the stars to make me feel small.
I do that on my own.

Far away.
I love you like a star.
We can see them shine long after they burn out.
And I wanted to tell you how the clouds were on fire.
But you werent there.
Where have you been?

seventy/thirty

Because I am the one who loved more.
And I can remember all our conversations.
But cannot recall what you look like, or even the sound of your voice.
You're foreign to me. But my heart knows you like a secret.

Because

Because you make me feel invincible
and thats exactly what I think you are.
Because It would slowly kill me to lose you.
Because you deserve the best of me.

Me and gravity we never could agree

I just want a hand to hold.
To know that I'm not alone.
Because being around here is like I'm by myself
Except the silences are akward and the conversations fake.
And it makes me scared.
Drowning in an invisible ocean and the current is fighting to keep me deep below the surface where I cant feel a thing. But I have a fight of my own that I found at the bottom of it all.
Because I want it to be real.
Like the way the cold cuts through me.
And how the sun thickens me.
And the stars at night make everything so much smaller.
And how I wish you could see them. And together we could feel the weight of the world.
Like you promised me a long time ago. I believe you still.
Even though my eyes wouldnt recognize you if you walked over and sat down right next to me.
The closest I've come to love.
Why does the ocean at night remind me of you?

easy

Its easy to hate someone. Its easy to be cruel to someone you hate.
It would be difficult to stop. Even more difficult to love them.
If it were easy to love people, what would be the point?
Nothing worth having comes easily.

Hey lush have fun, It's the weekend.

Theres millions of songs that could tell you how I feel.
Song that say I miss you and about waiting and losing.
And no matter how many times I listen to them, it doesnt make a difference.
I waited too long and said too little.
Goodnight.

the facts.

All our apologies

Dont mean anything.

Nothing changes

Just because we're sorry.

Its time for me to move on.

Because even though I miss you

That doesnt change anything.

We were not meant to be

That all the odds were stacked against us

That we're not strong enough for this

And Yes care about you.

Speaking to you breaks my heart

Because I know that it wont change anything.

Almost.

Love is a funny sad thing.
I think it's sad because no matter what it will never be perfect.
And its so easy to lose yourself in love. In someone else.
In expectations and conversations and empty promises and judgemental comments.
And lies.
And love is blind.
And that is why I waited for him for so, so long.
I wore away day by day. Word by word. fear by fear. tear by tear.
Until I almost dissapeared.
My life seems to be full of 'almosts'

Looking back

Last time I saw you
it was like holding hands with a stranger.
And our words meant nothing then.
Because the truth was
I was holding hands with a stranger.
And no matter how much I wanted to trust you
I couldnt.

See you in the morning...

Why do we remember certain things from our childhood?
It makes me wonder what my 2 year old brother will remember.
Will he remember when I was crying in the car?
Or all the times my mom and his dad talk down to us.
Or the way I spoke to our sister the other day.
Or will he remember reading goodnight moon when I babysat?
I hope he doesnt remember crying hysterically in the bathtub tonight.
I hope he doesnt remember how it feels when our mother doesnt have patience with us.
I hope he doesnt remember being yelled at for no reason other than being a child.
Some people have the strength to block out bad memories.
I guess I'm not that strong.
Because everytime she makes him cry, I remember how it feels.
Every time she yells I remember feeling so embarrassed and scared and suffocated.
No one deserves to hurt like that, no matter what. Because it stays with you.

slow dizziness.

My room is quiet. Far away.
Calm dark rainy green peacecful.
The roof and the trees and the street.
Warmth and music.
I'm growing.
I want to be a dancer.

The last time

I've been gone for so long. I took a vacation in my own self pity.
My heart was asleep. A coma that I found my way out of.
My mistakes are wasted time. Gone.
We are not meant to be empty.
Love is learned.
Action.

I remember when you said I seemed unhappy.
As if It hurt you. I hurt you. I loved you.
You didnt ask me why. You told me the truth.
That was the last time.

Nobody here can live forever

The walls of my room are new and green and alive.
It reminds me of fourth of julys from a long time ago.
It hardly ever rained then.
I didnt appreciate the sun then.
Did anyone?

"Its 5 O'clock in the morning" she says. Like I've committed a crime by being awake.
In some places the sun would be coming up at this time.
But this house is crowded with trees. Covered in shade.
The sunrise would be burning pink in some places.
Places shes left behind for some new security.
Saftey under the shade. Painted so dark and thick.
And I sit here underneath it all. Heavy Sleepless.
Did it all get real enough?

Just old light.

My heart knew you like a secret.
Your name aloud would turn my stomach.
Now my heart remembers you like a twisted dream.
My head can hold composure and block the memories that flew butterflies in my body.
I can handle anything you dare to throw at me.
Your I love yous, your I'm sorrys. I read them and I'm done.
It's gone. We're over.
Its refreshing.

Watch me simplify it for you.

Anyone would go crazy like this. "Just tell me you're sorry"
Just say it. I cant take living like a show for everyone else.
Talking for attention. Losing control just to prove you could.
Your fake happiness with your dull worthless words.
Swallowed by enormous exaggerated laughs.
Your eyes are dark selfish plastic lies.
Lie to me.

Be true.
You want us to hurt as bad as you.
Deprive a child of real love respect life.
All the things you lack.
Where are you half the time?
Treat me with a lifetime of bitterness. Your scars.
What are you, a bully on the play ground?
Grow up.
Watch me simplify it for you.

Winning the argument is pointless.
Being nastier gives me no more respect for you than I had from the beginning.
Learn from me. Respect what I know.
I am not the new one.
Your arrogance is unwanted.
Where were you for her tears?
Invisible. Silent.
Angry. Regretful.
Pathetic.
You really think you saved us dont you?
Love saves. Not money.
Watch me simplify it for you.

Fake nice person.

I can tell when someone is trying too hard. I can tell when someone is being polite for the wrong reasons, not because they want to. So of course I'm going to try and see how far you'll take it. Of course I'm going to test it. Because I can call bullshit so easily. And you're full of it. I'm daring you to be real. Be a real nice person. But you're only capaple of being real angry. Real bitterness or fake nice. I'd rather have you at your worst as long as im not being lied to.

I guess your kind of truth is just the ghost of your lies. And I see through them all the time.

We only breathe for so long

I should have danced at your show. Maybe you would remember me.
Maybe anyone would remember me. I just have to tell myself "Get over it. They will talk."
Why is that so freaking hard?

Come what may

Okay, lets forget all our apologies. Lets focus on who we are now.
I am here and you are far away. I miss you and that doesnt matter.
If we really loved eachother we would have let go. Because love is not selfish.
For the longest time I thought you had taught me about love. But I learned just about everything that love is not.
Believing in you was a mistake. And theres nothing I can do about it anymore.
Wake up.