do we rush through life forgetting to breathe?

For me, I dont define people by what society names them.
My mom is the president of her work union, people respect her.
People respect her simply because she has authority over them.
But she takes advantage of that. I hear her speak to people on the phone and in person.
She gossips and argues and doesnt even bother to listen long enough.
Her tone is urgent and stubborn and angry and tired.
And if anyone she works with knew her as well as I do, they would be ready to jump off a bridge.
Everyone should know that respect has nothing to do with having control. It has nothing to do with fear.

I have respect for people who are generous and gentle and patient, honest responsible and polite. People who offer guidance and comfort to fear and confinement. Instead of the opposite.
The strange thing about my life is that my childhood wasn't filled with pain. But I didnt grow up with happiness either. It was basically gray and meaningless. My parents always sent mixed signals. And they still do. I was put down for so many things I came to the conclusion that I should just be silent and invisible. I'm not saying I was neglected or emotionally abused, i just wasnt taken care of properly. My parents gave me attention, but only when they wanted it in return. I never really got a chance to thrive. And when you're living like you're not alive, things stop being real. Things stop being important. And that is the problem. Nothing was important.

I've always had trouble talking and communicating with people. If someone would strike up a conversation with me I would never know what to say, or how to listen. I would close myself off, which is only "cute" until a certain age. I think because my parents never actually had conversations with me. They would ask questions they already knew the answers to. I never got a chance to say anything for myself. But it didnt bother me then, because it wasnt important. It didnt feel real enough. Now that I think of it, my parents never really had conversations with eachother. Not about things that really mattered anyway. Conversations and arguments are one and the same in this family. I want to change that so bad.