Getting Out.

Need to stop waiting to be saved.
Need to get myself out.
Even though I didn't choose to be stuck.

I've heard it before.

But it's not that simple.
Tell me how to fix it.
Tell me how to make it better now.
Because I've thought of ways to possibly fix things in time.
Long amounts of time.
Years.
But what am I going to do tomorrow?
What am I going to do?
Everyone already thinks what they think.
And how can I possibly get anywhere
when everyone has already made up their minds about me?
And every chance I get to ask for what I want,
I am silent.
Because I am shocked.
That everyone I talk to has decided that I am less.
And I expect it, but I never know how to react.

I think,
that none of this will last.
Someday I will be far away.
And you won't know me anymore.
All of this will become a cloudy memory.
I don't know if it's sad because I'll miss you,
Or because I'll look back and think of how trapped and wasted I was.
It's a shame I ever had to feel this way.

Better than me.

I've never wanted to start fresh this badly.
Just redo my entire life.
Because this isn't who I am.
And no one knows it but me.

Opposite Ocean.

I miss the palm trees and tall buildings with sun slicing in between.
The sky and the people and the ambiguity.
Lying on the grass hearing the city moving beneath me
I felt different.

Christmas

Such a contradiction.
Sleeping pink bunny baby.
Nothing else to talk about.
Unexpected apologies.
Looks of concern.
Forgetting to say Grace.
Lots of wine and lame party games.
Wrapping paper.
Coffee.
Different.
Hours passing.
Songs.
Bare tree.
Last minute.
What happened?
To make us this way?

Weak.

What has happened to me?
I am weak. How did I let this happen?
I tell myself that it's because I have a problem with authority.
But really I'm just lazy.

Why do I care so much about what people think?
It doesn't fucking change anything.
Why do accept other people's judgements?
Why have I let it ruin me?
I used to dance when I felt like it
And say what I felt without second guessing.
I had such a passion for dance.
What happened to me?
I was so passionate about everything.
I was able to public speak without any worries.
Who was that girl?

Everything I do, she scrutinizes.
She always finds a problem.
With how I talk, or move, or exist.
Meanwhile she is nothing
but scared, and just plain mean.
And she might get praise for it, people might say it's "Funny"
But it's wrong.
And I can't believe I let it affect me.
I changed my entire self just so there wouldn't be any problems.
Because its ok for her to pass judgement, but when I stand up for myself it becomes a problem.
Even after I do all I can to make her feel better.
Do everything I know how just to cheer her up, and all she can do is tear me down.
It's not going to happen anymore.



"You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.Love you my friend.- Anonymous"

Christmas Eve

Arguments and tears seem to be a christmas tradition here.
But I think this one might actually be a good one.
It hadn't felt much like christmas until now.
We never sang Joy to the World.
And I know it doesnt really make sense, but I miss it.
I miss the way I explored the world like a new born child.
And what christmas trees used to stand for...
It's just a tree.

Saturday nights.

Have been spent doing better things.
No tengo las ganas.

I realize that unless I do something,
All this would just be a list of complaints about my life.
So here I am, dealing with it.

And I can't see why you'd want to live here

This system of money and credit and bills is not working.
And more importantly, it shouldn't matter.
Money is a cold illusion and Debt doesn't allow for second chances.
It's a waste of time that leads to a downward spiral.

This whole world is a downward spiral.
And somehow I know that the bad outweighs the good
Because my happiness is always temporary
And it seems to be sooner and sooner that
the darkness will cut in
And take out more of me
Than I even knew was left.
An exhausting circle that gets smaller and smaller each time.

Do you ever feel relieved when you think about death?
As if God knows how extremely fucked up this place is
and he knows just exactly how much we can take.
And he's gonna show us.

Easy.Lucky.Free

I hope you dance.

You sit at home and watch T.V. all alone.
Mindlessly working monday through friday.
Paying the same bills with the same paycheck month after month after month.
Coming home to absolutely nothing and no one.
Even when I'm here, I'm no one.
You stand for nothing. And for you, nothing is worth it.
Nothing is worth waking up.
Nothing is worth anything.

My biggest fear is becoming you. Again.
Because I know the strength it takes
to pull yourself out of your own head.
And I know how easy it is to fall into it.
All I asked of you was one thing.


"Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid and ignorant, but I'd rather be in it. I'd rather be fucking in it than down here with you." -Susanna (Girl, Interrupted)

Good Intentions

I guess maybe it's better to be doing something about your situation,
Even if it's for all the wrong reasons, than to just give up.
God knows she has good intentions...

And if you could have tried to trust the hand that fed, You would have never been hungry but you'd never really be.

Yup, I'm selfish.
If you can settle for this, then fine I won't stop you.
But know that this is something I will never stand for.
The least you could have done was stand up for me.