Feel Something

"It's good to feel something"-Aldous (get him to the greek)

Not crying doesn't mean I'm happy. I know that good and bad always come together.
And when I think about it, some of the happiest times in my life also were the saddest.
There was this one summer, the summer before high school, when I laughed the most I have laughed in my entire life. I remember it in glimpses. Walking down our street laughing, jumping in the pool laughing, talking on the phone laughing, everything was bright even when it was night time. I was so happy and comfortable and it was new. And so was the saddness. Almost every night that I was alone, and some nights that I wasn't, I cried myself to sleep. Over what he did. And how they lived. When I'm happy now, it's in a different way. It just feels different, older. But sometimes the saddness feels exactly the same. Especially here. I lie on my back staring up at the cieling and the room starts to close. Nothing really changes but it feels darker. And it starts slowly. And before I know it, it starts to come in glimpses again. I close my eyes and start shaking. Choking, I can't allow myself to breathe. I struggle, making pictures in the shadows through blurry eyes. I think of him lying in prision. Wondering if he's looking up at the cieling feeling this exact same way. Or maybe he's not. Wonder if maybe he still hates her enough to pull the trigger again. Or maybe not. I think of how everything was ruined.

The saddness is always bigger than the happiness. That's just how it is.
And I guess that's why when you choose happy, it's that much better.