I miss the pink sunsets on our street. I miss the way the christmas tree looked last year.
I miss driving slow. I miss going to the river. I miss doing my hair the way I used to.
I miss being inspired and passionate. I dont know who I am.

Revise and Restate.

The rescue was today. I couldnt make it, I wore my invisible children shirt though.
I had my retreat for my comfirmation today.
It was extemely warm out today.

I was told I was stupid today, and that the only reason people make donations for things is to get tax deductions and that apparently its not even worth it because you dont get completely reimbursed. I was told as if it was a common fact. Like the sky is blue, oh and people are cruel and only care about money and themselves. I'm sorry if I find it hard to believe the second one.

I believe that not everyone is stupid. People have the ability to change their lives.
I believe people should be respectful no matter what.
I believe that people should set good examples.

I would like to tell the guy who planned our retreat today, that I am so sorry we were somewhat out of control. I think we are used to dealing with people who dont care. About anything. I could see how you felt bad that we were not well behaved. You deserve the biggest apology, and I very much regret not saying this to you today. You cared so much about our faith, I dont think many people realized that. If they had, I'm sure everyone would have been so much more respectful. I'm sorry. I appreciated you organizing this retreat. I'm beginning to take this commitment seriously, thank you for helping me learn about it.

I was told about the donation/tax deduction thing by my stepdad ( he also told me about my being stupid ). I said that That's not why I would donate, if I wanted to donate to the diabetes research I would do it because I wanted them to find a cure for diabetes, not because it would save me money. And he says, The only reason people donate is to get tax deductions. He said it in such a way like I should feel stupid for not knowing that. And I was in tears as I was talking to him. They werent noticed though, maybe because it was dark. I thought that everyone knew that donations ar supposed to be for the benefit of other people, and if you dont do it for that then you would atleast lie. But to think that somone I know well can think that people are so terrible at heart. To think that this is the person who is married to my mother, the father of my half brother. It horrified me. I didnt say anything to him after that.

I look up alot to my grandma mary.
I helped her for some of my community service.
Its pretty amazing how people can say so much with so few words.
To me she is an example of respect and faith and courage and hope and strength.
I think about how my stepdad seems to have had a pretty tough life, from what he tells me.
My grandma Mary has had a tough life I would say, and she is the most honest, respectful, faithful person I know. It takes alot of strength and faith and hope to be that.
I am thankful that I have her to look up to.

To my dysfunctional family:

I think that we could have given more than $5 to the collection in church today.
And I think we could have gotten through the day with out arguing.
I think you could care about something larger than you, larger than us.
But I also think you might die without making a significantly good impact on anything, or anyone.
Maybe I am naive, but why shouldnt we live for something, someone else?
You dont have much of a life. I'm sorry, but I take it personally that your own children are not enough to get up in the morning and do something for. Or atleast talk to.
I am not a chore, not something to be taken care of because it has to be.
You are not providing happy environment for me to live in, hence I am not happy.
Honestly I feel taken for granted, and insulted that you cant even make up simple conversation with me.
I've realized that this entire family is incapable of communicating with anyone in any way, and I am offended by that.
Its pathetic that you still think sending me to my room is acceptable punishment, because all it has resulted in is this post. Which you might never see.
I think you should have offered to help me write my confirmation essay today, because I really needed help.
I think you should have talked to me about this faith that I've been learning about.
I think that you should have set a respectful and responsible example for me.
And, I think that it is not to late, but as of now I am not proud at all to call you my parents.

And you know, I was beginning to think I was the problem. But I can only bend so much for someone who does appreciate me.

Mhmm. sunburn.

I'm sitting in my guest bedroom.
There was a bug in my room, so I ran away from it like a little kid.
Its almost 2 in the morning, and I am giving up on this allnighter on facebook with my friends.
I bought an invisible children shirt tonight. And a LOVE hoodie.
I have my confirmation retreat on the day of the Rescue, so I cant make it...
I got sunburn today. I got a new cell phone.
I am tired of this life. It doesnt mean enough...

Because people need to live for more...

I spent last night with my friends.
It made me feel very shallow.
Its scary how closed mindedness is something that people fall into so easily.
Superficiality is so common.
We get so wrapped up in our own lives, but we dont realize that our lives are all intertwined.

We are so screwed up.
And its not okay.

invisible children

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/media/videos/detail.php?id=1674150070

Because people need to live for more, and the invisible children need more to live.

"It blinded us from everything less than perfect."
Real love must be the kind where when you're reminded of it, the first things that come to mind are the good things. Its the kind of thing that's easy to let go of because you have no regrets. I'm unable to think of one thing that I could have done differently, because I'm happy I have this to look back on. Its pathetic, and melodramatic, and young, and stupidly cliche. But its pure.

Its so pure that it still remains in the background of our hearts, underneath all the change and highschool. It doesnt have the ability to thrive in this atmosphere of gossip and deceit. It only has the ability to remind us that our world was once lit up by someone elses smile, that we got butterflies in our stomachs, and when we looked at eachother we couldnt see anyone else.

"love is not being perfect, its about seeing an imperfect person perfectly"
And that's exactly what he did.

But letting go is a choice that I'm not ready to live by...

Every day I wonder what you think about me. Its something I've gotten used to.
Every day I think of some way I could have made you stay. kept you waiting.
Every day I think about how far we've drifted, and how its my fault.
I think about how we were so far away, so far from being anything at all.
And I'm afraid of being nothing again. I act out of fear, and I try to find myself.
And each day I wonder what you would think of her. And I wonder why that matters to me.
I wish all our promises were unbroken.

Its so scary to think that your gone now.
After I've tried to tell myself so many times, its hard to believe.
You were just always there for me to call, and you arent coming back this time.
Its like you've died in my subconscious, but in reality you've just forgotten.
This is more painful than I thought it would be.
This is my closure.

Teenage

Teenage heartbreak. So melodramatic. So overrated.
I wish I'd been so cliche, so pathetic.
Instead I'm suffocated...

Is it enough to love, is it enough to breathe?

Stupid spanish teacher. Stupid friends. Stupid homework. Stupid parents.

In religion and church last sunday I realized a few things.
I remembered a song that says "fear is the heart of love", and the sign on the methodist church by my house that said those who fear god have faith in him (or something along those lines). I realized that having love for God is similar to having love for a person. It's fearless. For example, if we are not afraid to love then we might find it. I guess its hard for me to belive, or comprehend that God loves me so much. So much that he sacrificed himself, his only son. I think I'm afraid of that much love. And I'm afraid to have that much faith. I'm afraid I wont be strong enough. In comparison to a relationship between people, I would say that God and I are friends. I think that you can learn to overcome fears, and then love takes its place. Trust is a learned process and lerning takes time...

Well, spring break is next week. Hopefully I'm not grounded. Its snowing in april, as I listen to music from better times.

"Words must mean something." -Barrack Obama

It kills me how people have so little hope. So little faith, responsibility, respect. If we want a change, we have to have faith in making that change. We have to have hope that it will happen.
Not much has been accomplished with no one having faith in it.
http://news.aol.com/main/obama-presidency/article/obama-nuclear-weapons/412784?icid=mainmaindl1link3http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Fmain%2Fobama-presidency%2Farticle%2Fobama-nuclear-weapons%2F412784

It also bothers me how people use the phrase "nobody's perfect" but they have not come to terms with the imperfection in the world. I belive that is truely insane. People that have lived in this world for longer than I have, and do not understand that happiness does not come with perfection, and that it is only an emotion, completely untangible, that we have every bit of control over.

And the inability to trust. It is understandable why people would be hesitant to trust someone else. We've all been hurt, we've all put up some walls. But treating someone like dirt on a first encounter. That is rude, reguardless of what you've been through. Complaining on and on over someone's honest mistake. Terribly rude, and unnecessary. And we are surrounded by it every day. Bitterness.

I believe that we have a constant battle between good and evil. Right and wrong. Light and darkness. Every decision we make, every word we speak. We can help or we can hurt, constructive or destructive. There are people that dont understand how smiling when you talk to someone can lighten their mood. And It's crazy that people can get so distracted with things that dont matter. Parents working so much that they're missing out on shaping a person's life for the better. And they remain ignorant even when it is brought to their attention. That is when the darkness finds an advantage. It thrives on ignorance.

open ended.

I cannot believe I was almost content with this.
The people surrounding me, sucking the creativity and inspiration right out of me.
I am mad. I would like to have some new people in my life. And that is a growing process, I know. Maybe I am just impatient.
I've recently started believing that words are our greatest form of communication, and we should use them wisely. Conversation in general is so important. Some people would rather waste time talking about things that dont matter, or things they cant control. Life is a gift, why would we ever waste time on things that are so irrelevant.
I was looking back at an old poetry project I had done for english class earlier in the year. We had to pick poems that we could relate to, and elaborate on how it made us feel, etc.
I was a different person. I just wrote, so honest, completely inspired. I could feel it as a I re-read my own words. And I can think of more words now, I feel re-inspired.
The proof of my honesty and inspiration comforts me now. It shows me where I've been and how far I've come. And where I'm going.
Ironically, I've been working on a research paper about the positive and negative effects of divorce on children. I had choses this topic initially because I am interested in how children develop and what affects them, and also ( somewhat subconciously) because my parents have been divorced for a few years. I hadnt applied my research to myself until just a few minutes ago. I have experienced the negative emotional effects where 'the child becomes insecure, mistrustful, overburdened, has a fear of commitment and betrayal, which often leads to solitude.' I have also experienced the positive effects where 'the child learns to become emotionally stronger and mature for future situations and relationships. This is because people have the ability to change their lives and trust is a learned process.'
I also believe that conversation and connecting with people is a learned process since that involves trusting.

I bet the kids in africa would be jealous of my freedom to experience those types of things... It must be horrible not to be surrounded by morals. Right and wrong. I cannot even imagine how they live, how they feel. Just surviving day by day. There is genocide going on. These people should be taught morals. We should send some philosiphers over to africa. We should give them paper and pencils and teach them how to write and express. That is completely different from "peace keepers" and military force. Its basic freedom of expression. ...And I know it's probably more complicated than that. But we could try.

We are all just stretched too thin.

I have an essay to write. I have a poster to make. I have a headache. I have to wake up early tomorrow. I have no time this weekend. My mom has college classes. Jimmy has a meeting in Manhattan. I have to take a shower. I have to write a story in spanish. I have to get some sleep tonight. I have to pick out an outfit for tomorrow. I have to stop procrastinating.
I have to keep going.