"And in that moment I swear we were infinite"

Your still there.
Your still in the background.
We're not waiting around anymore.
But I'm still here and you're still there.
I take comfort in that.

And Maybe I wont say anything.
But I know that I could.
And I take comfort in that.

'Ignorance is your new best friend'

Any sentence beginning with 'I'm sorry but...' is not an apology.

Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes

What's even worse than having people treat you horribly is having people treat you horribly and knowing that you can have, and deserve better. Even so young. And to think that I have shown someone such pain by trying to save them in the first place. Save them from what I know would happen. What would end as silent and scared. What would be me.

But we have the courage to speak.
And maybe thats not enough. But it's something.

And she leaves
Because now I am able to have the last word.
And that scares her.

Free

My breath runs free.
I act without thinking.
I think without acting.

Awake on the east coast.

I want to be back on the beach.
Under the stars. Under the sun.
Touching the ocean, pulling my heart out to sea.
Cold and unfeeling.
Shivering and alive.
I was far far away from everything that was hurting me.
And being so close to the sky and the water
took my tears away and left me with this beauty before my eyes.

Hope and dissapointment

We are not a family,
We simple live together and use eachother whenever we need something.
Our words fail to say what we mean.
And I just want to know the story, of the pictures and the records.
But all you say are the bitter empty places they lead to.
Tell me that greasy boy in the photo album taught you so much about yourself.
That people were missing in some pictures where they should have been,
but that things can change. We're all capable of changing.
Tell me you have faith.
And mean it.
It isnt about you anymore.
Its about growth and truth.

And I was there to listen to your story.
But it seems you dont even care enough to let me in.

Gone

Your screaming loud at me,
This house quivers underneath your rage.
These walls shake on the inside.
But my bones withstand all you say
Everything that should shatter me like glass.

I'm wishing for you to replay this in your head tonight
Before you fall asleep.
And be sorry.
That I'm not yours anymore.
Fear can't control those who are fearless.
And I walk away.

do we rush through life forgetting to breathe?

For me, I dont define people by what society names them.
My mom is the president of her work union, people respect her.
People respect her simply because she has authority over them.
But she takes advantage of that. I hear her speak to people on the phone and in person.
She gossips and argues and doesnt even bother to listen long enough.
Her tone is urgent and stubborn and angry and tired.
And if anyone she works with knew her as well as I do, they would be ready to jump off a bridge.
Everyone should know that respect has nothing to do with having control. It has nothing to do with fear.

I have respect for people who are generous and gentle and patient, honest responsible and polite. People who offer guidance and comfort to fear and confinement. Instead of the opposite.
The strange thing about my life is that my childhood wasn't filled with pain. But I didnt grow up with happiness either. It was basically gray and meaningless. My parents always sent mixed signals. And they still do. I was put down for so many things I came to the conclusion that I should just be silent and invisible. I'm not saying I was neglected or emotionally abused, i just wasnt taken care of properly. My parents gave me attention, but only when they wanted it in return. I never really got a chance to thrive. And when you're living like you're not alive, things stop being real. Things stop being important. And that is the problem. Nothing was important.

I've always had trouble talking and communicating with people. If someone would strike up a conversation with me I would never know what to say, or how to listen. I would close myself off, which is only "cute" until a certain age. I think because my parents never actually had conversations with me. They would ask questions they already knew the answers to. I never got a chance to say anything for myself. But it didnt bother me then, because it wasnt important. It didnt feel real enough. Now that I think of it, my parents never really had conversations with eachother. Not about things that really mattered anyway. Conversations and arguments are one and the same in this family. I want to change that so bad.

Broken

At first I was angry. I was so angry. And then I was sad. And then scared. And now I'm hovering in this place between fear and fury and insecurity and sleep. And I just want to sleep and dream of nothing. Because its safe there. I find safety in in the static and blur of a dream where I am nothing. I see nothing, I hear feel and sense nothing. And Maybe that is what it feels like to die. Peaceful and safe. So in the end, we all are safe.
Or maybe this is just my way of hiding. But what am I hiding from?
Knowing that sometimes I cant change what is wrong. That it's not up to me. That it's not that easy, not that simple.
The fact that I am scared beyond belief to love, to live.
And I think I need to talk to someone again.
Like a psychologist. again, but this time I want help. And I will trust this time.
I will talk, but I need help with figuring out where to begin.
I am just finding out that I have so much to say. And that there are people willing to listen.
My story needs to be heard. From beginning to end. And I need help with the details. With remembering. With getting it all out. I am strong enough. I will take the steps to make things better. Now all I need is time.

To Write Love on Her Arms

"Consider the air in your lungs. It will be gone one day, and these chapters will close. If i had to guess, i would say you're early in your story. There is still a lot of time for hope to happen, for change to find you, for love and beauty and truth and songs you haven't even heard yet.

Take a moment tonight and remember the best of your story. And if it feels like there's too many ugly pages, then please know that you are free to be honest, that you were meant to be honest, that we all need that - we need people and places where we can say those things, where we can begin to understand, where we can begin to let go... It's okay to be honest.

i've been obsessed with The Fray's new single "You Found Me" for the last week, playing it for everyone, making them listen. i think it's the honesty... The song is basically a conversation with God, the things you're not supposed to say: Guy runs into God and asks Him where the heck He's been. God says "Ask anything."He asks "Where were you when everything was falling apart?"i am full-blown in love with the bridge, beyond explanation. All i know is that it's been moving some things around in me. He sings this with urgency:"Early morning, the city breaks, i've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve..."Whoa. You're not supposed to talk to God like that... right?Or maybe God can handle it. Maybe God can handle my pain and my questions. Maybe God would prefer the most honest version of me. " -Jamie Tworkowski

I just thought I would share this. Because the truth is sometimes the pain weighs out the prize, and we're angry and ugly and broken. But there is enough space in all of us for hope, even if when we may not realize it. Have faith. Its worth the fear and uncertainty, because in all honesty things are going to get better, trust me.

"You are going to move through this.
More importantly, I love you. YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE THROUGH THIS.Don't be defeated. Submit yourself to the process. You are growing. You are changing. You are doing LIFE. I am not trying to make you feel better. This fucking hurts, and there are no two ways around it.But I am trying to encourage you to not retreat. I can't remove the pain, but I am going to hold your hand while it hurts.Continue to reach out. You need people right now.I'm here for anything you need.You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.Love you my friend.- Anonymous"

Faith.

My Lit. Decisions class had a discussion about God today.
Some people say God doesn't exist.
Some say He created man but doesnt offer any control.
And Some believe that there is a God.
And it gets into 'The purpose of life'.

I believe that God exists for guidance. He doesnt try to control us. Because God is good.
And 'What is the purpose of it all?' is what we were asked. 'Is it real?'
I thought about this really hard. Some people in class responded right away, but I couldnt find the right words to express what I thought just yet.
My response to this is It might be real, or it might not be. Maybe we do have a purpose, maybe we dont. Either way we still exist. I still believe I am alive and here, so why not do something good with my life. Wether or not there is a purpose to life, life still exists. And maybe we werent meant to know the purpose, because maybe then we wouldnt try so hard to live, if alot of time is spent looking for a purpose. It doesnt hurt to try. The alternative would be to waste away and realize that you had your purpose and it was real but you didnt live up to any of it. And the worst that could come of trying would be death, if death is even real, or if we are even real, If anything is real, if things are really what they seem.
And yes, I look to God for guidance when I try to live this thing we call life in this place we call the universe reguardless of the possibility that it may not even be real at all. I believe this is what faith is. The belief that we are supposed to be living up to our full potential even if we dont know why, but simply because we can. Despite our worries and doubts. We go on.

Lets start a riot, me and you

I dont regret anything I said.
Because I am who I am now, and this is how it is.
I dont know how we feel
But I know I dont mind it.
We are a part of something.
And that's better than nothing.
Better than being alone.
Because we're lost together all at once.
And I have you to talk to.
Again.