But I'm warning you, we're growing up.

Boys. are. stupid. I realized that I dont know him anymore. And I shouldnt be so quick to forgive him for everything. He has always been so stupid, and he is like, a pathological liar.
I have no reason to believe him. And I am done writing about this.

I'm pretty content right now, just watching the O.C.
I'm going to my dad's later today.
But I'm alright for now, I'm okay.

Promises.

I was just thinking about how it was weird how that boy wanted to get back in touch with me again. But then I realized something that made me smile.
A really long time ago, he promised me that we would never be the kind of people who drift apart and stop talking. And He kept that promise, even though I continually tried to shut him out. And I think that's respectable that he would try to keep a promise like that. I think I should apologize. And if it ends up being not worth it, thats a mistake I'll have to live with.

Sometimes we put up walls, not to shut people out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down.

Maybe he's been trying to find who he used to be too. Before all this. Maybe we have more in common than we know. The distance doesn't help. I wont do it again.

Yesterday, I heard his song on my favorite show. It made me realize that I gave him nothing to remember me by. But he gave me so much to remember. And then i realized that there was almost no chance I would ever see or talk to him again. But I was wrong.

I'm still going to keep my life moving along. I wont turn around my entire life for one person ever again.

I've noticed recently that I've been looking to define things. But I understand that sometimes things don't have a specific definition, and can mean different things to different people. And somethings are just incomprehensible.

I've packed a change of clothes and its time to move on...

So recently I've learned that people constantly change. Our opinions change, our personalities change, our interests change, our attitudes change. And that is like a part of life I guess, because if everyone always stayed the same how bring would that be?
And I've let go of some things in the past few days. Things I had been holding on to for way too long. And I've accepted that those things are in the past, and they are not coming back. And I've realized that I cant shut someone out of my life, when they will always be important to me.
I'm done being haunted by old promises. And I'm ready to start something new.

I'm beginning not to care what people think of me. And it seems so much easier now for me to be myself, and think with an open mind, and expand my thoughts.

And I think I'm happy, as of right now. But take into consideration that I'm a teenage girl, and that could change at any given moment. :)

if theres nothing left to lose then theres everything to gain.

I got in touch with an old friend today. well, ex-boyfriend.
He wanted us to start talking again.
The last time we spoke... he had said the same thing, and then went on to very obviously flirt with me. And then hurt me. It was an interesting conversation, and hurtful.
But I think he meant it now. Its about time we were both honest.
Well anyway we had a nice conversation. Well.... nice-ish.

And I know that he is not the one for me. And I wont let him fool me again.
I will be polite, and honest, but I will not be in love. No matter what words he builds me up with, if he tries.

Oh, I also had a snowday today. I slept in till noon. It was awesome (:
I have school tomorrow though, and I probabaly should be asleep by now.
But I'm watching a walk to remember and the notebook. they're both on tv, and I'm flipping back and forth.

Well, I have nothing left to say, so goodnight.

Blinding

stay warm<3

Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.~ Mary Anne Roadmacher-Hershey

I used to think maturity was overrated.

but what really defines being mature?
Because I think I am more mature than I was a few years ago.
I think its defined by experience and knowledge and knowing right from wrong and making decisions and being happy and learning about yourself and from your mistakes and learning how to care for someone else and taking responsibiliy, but without taking things too seriously.
How would you define it?

I'm trying to just live. Just take things as they come, without falling behind.
My step sister suanne is like that, I believe. I've only spent a couple days with her, since she lives in florida and I'm in new york. But I look up to her a lot. She has four kids, and she handles them perfectly. When I was there with my sister we drove to a beach (all 7 of us) and she had the windows down and the radio on and her hair let loose and she was smiling. And now that I think about it, that was a really happy moment for me. Thinking about how great it was to feel so free right then, and relaxed and happy. And how I wished I could stay there forever. In the florida weather, with her attitude influencing me, and it seemed like everyone could feel that happiness radiating from her. And yes, she has made mistakes in her life. But she has found a way to be happy, and she knows what she values, and I aspire to be like that, to have that attitude about life. And my stepdad was telling me after we left her house how she spends her free time on the computer, and talking to her friends, instead of making her house super clean and perfect, and hovering her children. And how he was not proud to speak of her mistakes. Well the last part I could understand, but I think that he does not need to explain her mistakes to everyone, just so he can say he is not proud. I am proud of her for finding herself, and being brave, and strong. And I think that if she doesnt feel like cleaning her house, then she doesnt have to. It looked fine to me, and maybe the imperfection was comfortable. And I think she is an amazing mother. And I hope to be like her. Radiant and happy and living in the moment.

I'm almost failing spanish. Most of my teachers are... Well they really suck, for lack of a better term. And I'm normally good in spanish. I aced it all last year. And now my teacher is telling me I have less than a 70 in my class. ... She really is a bitch. I'm sorry, but its true. I have never met a teacher that I disliked as much as this. The whole point of having a teacher is so she can teach. A lot of the teachers I have this year expect us to just learn the material ourselves. And my math teacher actually told the class that "in college you will not have classes like this, you have to do most of the learning yourself". Well, helloo this is 10th grade geometry and I'm not in college, so how about you start teaching me. And my Bio teacher basically had a temper tantrum in class today. I'm talking like, screaming, storming out of the room, slamming doors..
And now I have a shitload of homework and projects and studying to do, and I havent started any of it. And I think I'm procrastinating right now. And I'm about to get really stressed, I can tell. It seems like it will never end.

'You'd like to think that you were invincible. Yeah well, weren't we all once?

I had a good day. I didnt do any homework, because honestly I didnt feel like it. I have a studyhall tomorrow. I'll get it done.
I watched one tree hill tonight and it made me cry. It usually does..
I watched secret life of the american teenager too. the new season was today. I remember over the summer me and me 3 best friends used to have 'SLOTAT' parties where we would all sleepover and watch it.
I personally think that the show is pretty stupid. I mean, I dont hate it, but it doesnt seem very realistic to me.
But I still watch it. Maybe because my friends do.

Happy

Interesting day. I'm still happy because of the 90s music weekend. (I'm listenin to cant touch this by MC hammer).
I'm having a good day. And I really want to watch a walk to remember.
I have nothing else to write, (:

90s throw back weekend (:

so right now I'm drinking tea and listening to 90s jams. The radio station is doing a 90s throw back weekend. That pretty much made my day, along with spending time with an old friend.
90s throwback reminds me of summer. And right now, I'm not wishing to go back. I'm wishing to be happy tomorrow. And tomorrows after that.
Its midnight. And I'm hoping this year doesnt go in a complete circle, like the last one. I'm hoping it only goes forward. That is the only way I want to go.

New day, New year

well, to start off, Happy new year (:
my new year went okay. I had a sleepover with one of my best friends who i havent spent time with in forever.
I like how I use the word forever so easily. When really, the meaning of it is so much greater than how i say it. Maybe thats the way alot of people use it. And really, dont we just wish that forever was that simple?

I think I'm going to change my resolution this year to talk more, listen better, open up to people, dont over think it.
....let's see if I can remember that one...

I'm supposed to be watching my baby brother right now, but he's in the other room watching toy story 2 and wont have anything to do with me. I'm kind of happy that I had to watch him though. It got me awake at a decent hour, and at least I'm doing something.

new years eve, I was thinking so much about my friends parents. Probably because my best friend's parents drove me to a new years party that we were all going to. And I forgot what it was like to be in a car with a happily married couple. They talked so easily with eachother. They just fit together. And I realized that caitlin had no idea what I would give to grow up with her parents. And that she has no idea how lucky she is. And it was so nice to hear them talking about old stories from when they were dating.
I think I'm starting to believe in love.
I cant honestly say that I've been In love.

What's your definition of love?
What do you think it is?

Answer me in a comment?
I'm open for anything and anyone, honestly.