Stupid chain E-mails.

My 12 year old sister sent me one of those chain letters, and its said like "dont keep this for more than 6 minutes or you'll have bad luck for the rest of your life". But I kept it anyway because i liked what it said after that.

This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

I'll be the bright side of your bad day.

I'm wishing for something new. I miss that feeling of butterflies in my stomache. Maybe time to myself has helped me learn a little about who I am, but I think spending some time with alot of people with new ideas and conversation could also help me. Love is a scary thing, and I'm promising myself that I wont jump into it again. I have alot of regrets from last year, but I am at peace with that. What I regret the most is that I underestimated myself.
My goals for myself are to be outgoing and confident and fearless, and let go of the past and all the feelings it consists of, and let life happen.
I'm sick of this emptiness. I've grown so used to it, I'm tired.

Better mood.

I should go out of my comfort zone more often.
And listening to the jonas brothers always manages to put me in a good mood.
And I shouldnt spend too much time alone. Thats depressing.
Oh, and I wish it was summer.
And I like being a teenager, and having a life. I need that.

I'm going to my moms tomorrow, which is good because i need to get away from my dad. He's very boring, and you cant carry a conversation about anything with him. I think that I'm kind of like him sometimes, and I dont want to be. I want to have an exciting life with people that I care about, who I can talk to and laugh with and be serious with. I'd like to have that someday. I'd like to meet some unique people, and not judge them. I hope I'll have that someday, and be honestly content, and not have to second guess my happiness.

Bring me back down to earth.

My friends are so dramatic. And I realize that I have nothing in common with these people. But I made it that way. I had to learn that nothing is set in stone, and everything is always changing. And people are capable of good and bad, and sometimes people will suprise me. I spent most of last year tearing down my life, only to realize that my plan didnt fit into reality.
All I really want right now is good conversation with someone who cares. And that is nowhere to be found. I seem to always want someone new to talk to. And I used to be so scared, and self concious. And lately I havent given a shit when someone gave me a dirty look, or saw me trip in the hallway, or heard me say something stupid. I screw up alot, that's who I am. And I dont care. I know what's important, even though it took me a while to figure it out.
And maybe the truth is that I try so hard to be happy because I'm scared that if I fall, there will be no one to pick me back up. Except for myself.
I've been wasting so much time. Life is too short. I'd like to make the best of it, and let go of this bitterness. Because I dont care anymore.

"we have chosen hope over fear"

I think that I write when I'm lonely. Because when my social life seems to pick up, I seem to lose interest in blogging. But I'd like to make writing a habit. Because I think I could be good at it.

I think I'm sick. I'm getting like hot flashes and then chills, and i cant breathe through my nose. But i have to take midterms tomorrowwww. ahhh.



Anyway, I watched part of barrack obama's inauguration. It made me feel hopeful, and i think it did the same for the majority of the country. I believe he can do what's best for america.

"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord." -Obama

Kissing angels.

I went with my mom today to help her friend shortie take down her christmas decorations. Her real name is actually margret, but we call her shortie because, well she's like 4 feet tall.
And I think I've said this before, but she is the sweetest lady. She told me about one of her friends that she had years ago, who taught her how to knit. And the story was so much better than I make it sound, but I really couldnt tell it because its not mine to tell.
It just really brought me back down to earth. With all the clothes that I bought yesterday, and stupid arguments with people, and what makeup I'm wearing, or what kind of shoes I have. None of those things matter. And just talking with her. I have no words for it. She's a genuinly nice, sincere, and honest person.

And she gave me kissing angels. A boy angel and a girl angel that she made out of ceramics, and painted by hand. She made them before her son was grown up, and while she still lived walking distance from my mother. They're the cutest, most beautiful things. It is now my favorite thing anyone has ever given me. They're adorable. They just stand right accross from eachother with kisses on their faces. I love them, absolutely.

And yes, they are christmas decorations, but that doesnt mean I cant leave them out all year round. :)

I want to start over.

I'm listening to songs by a girl who graduated from my highschool last year.
I barely knew her, but her songs made me cry.
In the yearbook, she was voted most likely to become famous.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=180319723
Seriously, her voice is amazing.

Seem like highschool was quite an experience for her.
I wish I could say that about me. But its so empty. And I havent met any great people and made life long friends. I'm ready to change that. To be who I want. I have to be open and out going. I'm working on it... I feel like I've been missing out on something.

Yesterday after my haircut, I was crying because I didnt want to change so much that people couldnt recognize me. But now I think maybe I do.
Thats my reality. I want to change, and find out who I am. Everything now, going through the motions, that is the distraction. Its whats stopping me. All those useless friends, old problems, old insecurities. I'm letting go of it all.

Goodnight <3

how can you tell the difference between a shooting star and a satelite?

I was thinking too much last night. I only had 3 hours of sleep, on top of and oral presentation in english class, a fight with my dad this morning, and dealing with my closed minded friends.


Last night, I figured out that I used him as a distraction from the rest of my life. To mke me forget about everything else that I couldnt handle. Didnt think I could handle. I should have known that I was strong enough to handle the truth. That I am strong enough. And I dont need distractions. That dream is over now, And I prefer to live in reality.

I've packed a change of clothes and its time to move on...

So recently I've learned that people constantly change. Our opinions change, our personalities change, our interests change, our attitudes change. And that is like a part of life I guess, because if everyone always stayed the same how bring would that be?
And I've let go of some things in the past few days. Things I had been holding on to for way too long. And I've accepted that those things are in the past, and they are not coming back. And I've realized that I cant shut someone out of my life, when they will always be important to me.
I'm done being haunted by old promises. And I'm ready to start something new.

I'm beginning not to care what people think of me. And it seems so much easier now for me to be myself, and think with an open mind, and expand my thoughts.

And I think I'm happy, as of right now. But take into consideration that I'm a teenage girl, and that could change at any given moment. :)

Blinding

stay warm<3

Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.~ Mary Anne Roadmacher-Hershey

I used to think maturity was overrated.

but what really defines being mature?
Because I think I am more mature than I was a few years ago.
I think its defined by experience and knowledge and knowing right from wrong and making decisions and being happy and learning about yourself and from your mistakes and learning how to care for someone else and taking responsibiliy, but without taking things too seriously.
How would you define it?

I'm trying to just live. Just take things as they come, without falling behind.
My step sister suanne is like that, I believe. I've only spent a couple days with her, since she lives in florida and I'm in new york. But I look up to her a lot. She has four kids, and she handles them perfectly. When I was there with my sister we drove to a beach (all 7 of us) and she had the windows down and the radio on and her hair let loose and she was smiling. And now that I think about it, that was a really happy moment for me. Thinking about how great it was to feel so free right then, and relaxed and happy. And how I wished I could stay there forever. In the florida weather, with her attitude influencing me, and it seemed like everyone could feel that happiness radiating from her. And yes, she has made mistakes in her life. But she has found a way to be happy, and she knows what she values, and I aspire to be like that, to have that attitude about life. And my stepdad was telling me after we left her house how she spends her free time on the computer, and talking to her friends, instead of making her house super clean and perfect, and hovering her children. And how he was not proud to speak of her mistakes. Well the last part I could understand, but I think that he does not need to explain her mistakes to everyone, just so he can say he is not proud. I am proud of her for finding herself, and being brave, and strong. And I think that if she doesnt feel like cleaning her house, then she doesnt have to. It looked fine to me, and maybe the imperfection was comfortable. And I think she is an amazing mother. And I hope to be like her. Radiant and happy and living in the moment.

I'm almost failing spanish. Most of my teachers are... Well they really suck, for lack of a better term. And I'm normally good in spanish. I aced it all last year. And now my teacher is telling me I have less than a 70 in my class. ... She really is a bitch. I'm sorry, but its true. I have never met a teacher that I disliked as much as this. The whole point of having a teacher is so she can teach. A lot of the teachers I have this year expect us to just learn the material ourselves. And my math teacher actually told the class that "in college you will not have classes like this, you have to do most of the learning yourself". Well, helloo this is 10th grade geometry and I'm not in college, so how about you start teaching me. And my Bio teacher basically had a temper tantrum in class today. I'm talking like, screaming, storming out of the room, slamming doors..
And now I have a shitload of homework and projects and studying to do, and I havent started any of it. And I think I'm procrastinating right now. And I'm about to get really stressed, I can tell. It seems like it will never end.

90s throw back weekend (:

so right now I'm drinking tea and listening to 90s jams. The radio station is doing a 90s throw back weekend. That pretty much made my day, along with spending time with an old friend.
90s throwback reminds me of summer. And right now, I'm not wishing to go back. I'm wishing to be happy tomorrow. And tomorrows after that.
Its midnight. And I'm hoping this year doesnt go in a complete circle, like the last one. I'm hoping it only goes forward. That is the only way I want to go.

new year

I'm trying to think of a new ears resolution.
so far i've thought of pretty simple ones:
Be honest
get a job
make new friends who actually appreciate me.
keep my room clean(ish)
go to an awesome concert
find a boyfriend?
get good grades

whats your new years resolution?
tellll me, I need to hear from some new people.

I need to get away.

I feel like I'm bigger than all this.
Like I could leave it all behind with no regrets.

I'm going to go for a walk tomorrow.
I'll wake up at a decent hour and make breakfast for me and emma.
And I need time for myself. Because I never get any.
And then I'll make plans, and follow through on them.

Growing up sucks.
I hate how the seasons change.
I want to live in florida.
I cleaned today.
I'm too tired to go into detail about how my day went, but it was awful.
Its not worth it.

How's your halo.

I never believed you. I only wanted to.


I had a few anxiety attacks today. And I wasnt even having that bad of a day. My friend lauren made me this really good bread. and I was doing okay with all my classes (kind of). Even interims (I have 70s in 2 classes, which my parents wont be happy about)(eventhough thats a really good grade for those classes) didnt bother me. The only things that bothered me were walking in the cold, and having to pee really bad in the middle of a class which the teacher wouldnt let me go.
And then I get home and I really dont feel good, because getting only 2 hours of sleep the night before because of an english project can do that to a person. And so I watch a movie, start my global project thats due tomorrow, and drink some tea. 5:00, my mother is home, with my sister and my brother. And all I can hear is my mom dropping F-bombs like there is no tomorrow and stuff falling in the garage. And then my sister takes my brothers hat and he starts screaming. And she wont give it back to him. and im sitting there curled up on the couch with a ginormous project in my lap, curled up in a blanket, with a pen in my hand. And she tells me that if its bothering me that much that i should go get his hat myself.
Well that just about ruined my day. Little things like that can happen to someone who is sleep deprived. And Meanwhile, my mother is still yelling. (nothing out of the ordinary). and so i take all my shit, turn off the movie, and go up to my room. Thats when it started. I threw my bag on the floor, and my stuff flies everywhere, and my phone breaks into about 5 pieces. and then i drop my tea mug onto the floor. and then I just stand there and turn on the old hilary duff Cd i had in my cd player ( I know, I'm old school). and then, of course, my sister (of all people) tells me that my mom wants my change from the lunch money she gave me this morning. And at that point I was way too anxious to even think straight. And so I take my old school Cds into the bathroom so i can take a shower and try to compose myself. And then my mothers voice comes up the stairs. she really needed my change from lunch, I guess. She's like frantic. And I've learned that I cant change that, and the best I can do is try to block it out of my mind. But I couldnt at that point, and when I go up the stairs to my room, I collapse on them and sit there sobbing. But I get the change to my mother and head for the shower.
It took me an hour and a half to feel like myself again.
And then I went to say goodnight to my brother.
He is the sweetest kid. I think he deserves a better mother.
But he doesnt fall asleep, like he doesnt every night. and my mother starts yelling. right then. Like she has no heart. It kills me to hear it. Like it breaks my heart and scares me to death. And I remember that I used to hear that same voice when I did something she didnt like. And then I hear my brother start crying. Not the same cry i heard when my sister took his hat. This is completely different. and it happens every night. more than once. He sounds hurt, and frustrated, and confused, and angry, and sad. All at once. And I know that so well. I've felt that way too many times with my mother.
I've learned that my mom doesnt tolerate crying. Tears, maybe. But not crying, sobbing, the kind where people need to be comforted.
And she says to him- STOP CRYING. GET IN BED. GET IN BED NOW. GO TO SLEEP.
and he just keeps on crying. And she somehow thinks that yelling louder will make him listen.
I think, she should have learned from experience with two other children. But my mother doesnt take time for other people. she never has. Not for the ones that matter, anyway. not for me.
And after listening to this for an hour, I couldnt find headphones in time to block out the noise before i started crying. I cried for my brother. And that there was nothing I could do to help him. Nothing I could say to my mother to make her stop. And all I can do is try to give back what she takes from him.
But there's really no way I could ever make up for the lack of compassion in a parent. There is no way.
And I know exactly how he felt. How you want to talk, but you cant calm yourself. And you want to tell her to stop, but you cant get the words out. And its all you can do to just breath, in and out. And it takes courage just to do that, just to breathe. And it feels like its never going to end. Its a battle you can never win. I know that all to well.
And I'm learning about parenting in the child psych class I'm taking in school.
And it teaches people not to do every thing that my mother does.
and the thing they emphasize is to give your time and attention. and I cant really say that she does either of those.
I'm so tired of writing now.
I have to recompose myself still.

Stayed Home.

I fell down the stairs this morning. I felt really dizzy. I might have hit my head, but I dont remember. I stayed home from the service this morning because I couldnt see straight when I stood up. So now I'm writing this and doing my english homework. I have about 5 assingments for that class due monday. I wrote a mission statement :

I will treat others with the respect I want in return.

I will remember not to take things for granted.

I will accept others for who they are.

I will have the courage to be honest, confident, and step outside my comfort zone.

I will keep an open mind and a positive attitude.

I will apologize when I should.

I will make good decisions and work hard for what I want.

I will remember that no one is perfect, and when I fall I will get back up.

I will know that things dont always go the way I plan,

and I will make the best of it.

I will remember that sometimes I have to let things go,

and to never stop moving forward with my life.

I will know that I am a storng person.

And I have the choice to be happy.

what do you think?

I also have this poetry project where I had to pick 5 poems that I relate to, and explain why.

I picked a lot of poems about relationships, because they were easy to find, and easy to relate to. but theres also a few about the bigger picture, and choices in life, and stuff like that.

I have a busy weekend.

alot going on in my mind, but I'll handle it.

I always find a way...

this week was way too long.

I had a huge fight with my dad today.
And then I felt awful because he had to go out in the storm.
and then it stopped snowing, so I thanked God.
But I still dont forgive him.
I know thats awful, but he deserves it.
It didnt scare me when he was yelling at me. Because atleast he was expressing something.
Something real instead of that fake smile he wears all the time, with that fake personality.
And I'll eventually just say to him, Kim is your girlfriend, start telling me the truth. Communication and respect are two-way streets.
And you know what, my dad sounded so much like my mother when he told me not to ask him for anything ever again. But I didnt tell him that. It was actually kind of funny to hear that they say the same things to me.
And that whole time it didnt bother me. Because I was leaving, atleast for the time being. To go to my moms house, and there was nothing he could do.

This week I learned that people in my family have more problems than I ever cared to realize. And that is really scary, that I could end up like that.
And actually, I had a breakdown a couple nights ago. Because I wanted to leave my life so bad. I wanted to leave this town, and all the people behind. and start somewhere new and become anything.

But, tonight I had to babysit my 2 year old brother. can you say terrible twos? yeah well, I finally got the courage to change another diaper, and he let me put him to bed for the first time. even though it was at 11:30 at night, i still felt accomplished.
And so, that was my week. and now its midnight, and I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the food pantry for community service for my confirmation.

Christmas is this week.
I'm excited (:





This was one of my favorite songs back in september.
It reminds me why I wouldnt go back.
It gives me a reason to keep moving forward.
Because my feelings have changed so much, but I remember them so clearly.
I like my feelings now. No feelings for anyone. No one to please but myself.
Was I meant to be alone?
I'm thinking that right now I'm too young to be worried about things like that.
Maybe I will find someone to spend my life with. And maybe I wont.
But either way I'll still find a way t be happy. I know that.

cant sleeeep.

I was thinking of the last time a was honestly happy.
And I ended up writing a poem.
It wasnt meant to be a poem, but it turned out that way.
I had to get this all down somewhere. I cant believe I've held on to it for this long.
I thought of summer 2007 when I was 13 and I took a plane to florida with my best friend and her family. This boy, however was not in florida, or new york. maryland. And it seemed so unreal at the time, so I just said anything I wanted.

And I finally woke up from that dream. Or maybe it was a nightmare?



I just wanted to be happy. and I was.
That time went by so fast. And everything changed so fast.
I didnt want to fall in love.
I dont know exactly what I wanted.
But I was happy then.
I remember smiling against my pillow before I fell asleep.
I was happy where I was.
And it wasnt because of him.
He wasnt there.
I remember how I never wanted to answer my phone when he called.
I hated being so tied down.
Tied down by an 'I love you'.
And I dont know why I said it back.
I didnt feel that way.
But he said forever.
And at first that was a comfort.
To think that somebody would be there for ever.
I wanted to believe that.
But I doubted it.
And I dont know why I said it back.
That forever is gone.
Gone with all the words we never meant
and the promises we knew we couldnt keep.
And I was in too deep.
He said I was his world. I was his angel. He could not live without me.
He would die for me. He would marry me. He would hold me in his arms.
He said I was beautiful.
But he didnt know.
He says, "there was no way of knowing."
"Fate had conspired against us"
This isnt fate, We brought it upon ourselves.
Our fate was just to create heartache.
Unecessary

There was no easy way out.
I had to leave him behind somehow.
He couldnt even say the words.
Coward
My actions spoke louder than his words.
they were screaming goodbye.

I might not have moved on.
But I'm ready to.

I've moved past everything that used to hurt.
The thoughts dont make me cringe.
I can think, 'yes, that was me.
it happened and now its over.'
And If I ever see him again
I will put on a brave face
and look right past him.
Because there is nothing to see,
except a boy who would never be who I wanted him to be.
He never belonged with me.
All that time slams together,
and implodes on itself.
to be forgotten.
That space it takes up in my head will be filled with new events.
People, and places, and moments, and ideas.

survey

(fill in the blanks...)

I would [sky dive] for [ 10000] dollars.
If I had a [band] I’d name it [i have no idea].
When I was [ younger] I was [ stupid].
My ex is such a [ liar]
Barack Obama [ rocks].
Love is [ blinding].
If I was drunk I’d be more likely to [ sing? ].
If I could make my own man/woman, he/she would have [a great smile ], [amazing sense of humor], and [ an open mind].
Everyone should take time to [relax ].
If I could create my own heaven for when I die it would [be lovely].
This survey is [ difficult] because [I deleted some of the questions because i had no idea what to put in them ].

how's your halo?

I had a really good day today. It was just good. Nothing spectacular happened. But it started with the morning (...well obviously most days start with mornings). But it was 50 degrees outside. which is amazing compared to the 20 degrees it has been for too long. no winter jacket. it felt good. It reminded me of fall, and summer a little bit. I loved it. Its like calm before the storm. by the way, there's supposed to be a storm tonight/tomorrow morning. and then I had a really good day. I've learned to have a sense of humor when things are so depressing. It helped alot.

I still havent cleaned up from my nervous break down. But I dont relly want to. I like how my room looks now. It was so bare before. and empty. Now It actually looks lived-in. Like I actually live there. and I want the mess to stay there for as long as possible. this is my home too.

So I read this poem today in english. It was like "what if i want to be a rebel, a wanderer, girl with the world on her shoulders..." what if thats what I want? what if I dont want to be something that everyone else would appreciate, maybe I dont want to please other people. I would love to just say "fuck it all" and not care. but something always stops me when I start to feel that way.

Wow I just wasted like 2 hours. its 11. I wont be able to sleep again.