Lonely People.

I have come to realize that I hate being alone.
And sometimes I would rather have fake promises, than nothing at all.
And I'm a mess tonight.

But theres no distractions. The truth is, I'm lonely.

I wrote a letter, full of long overdue apologies.
I still have it.
I think that's what's bothering me.


Sweet, sweet and cold,
Clean up the mess and sleep the day away.
When you call, I might be here, I might be gone.
But here at the sound of the bells you cry,
You've lost your mind. But dear, don't be sad,
It's just a dream you dreamt you had.
-augustana

Learn Without Losing.

I posted this in a comment on 'Pictures, Poetry & prose' about Childhood.

[photo by colleen]

My Aunt Karen

We went for walks in her garden. And I made a spaceship out of her kitchen cabinets. She was always patient and gentle, and I wasnt used to that. I think she likes children better than adults. Uncomplicated and Free. Children are living in their own moments. She would listen to me and talk to me. I didnt realize then how much I would appreciate it. I never realized how much she influenced me. We like quiet places, like the river and the flowers. And I bet she drinks tea at night too. I understand why she would rather spend time with her grandchildren and neices than talk with the "adults". We find comfort in youth. Things are so simple. I miss spending summer evenings at her house. I wish I could go back, because I was not myself. I would have talked my heart out. We're not jaded anymore. I'd like to gow old like her. I would like to learn without losing. Learn what life is about, without losing my freedoms and happiness.

toi plus moi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ds0RXMxMpBU
My friend had to translate this for me, but hes basically saying "you and me forever my love".

"it is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them" ~Agatha Christie

Live life till you get it wrong. Take a breath, and turn your head.

When I think about it, we're always in a transition period. I always seem to want something more, I'm waiting for something bigger and better.

I watched forrest gump last night at like 2 in the morning. I love that movie. My favorite part is the end. from the part when he sees jenny again, until the movie is over. And I think that the point is that life happens and theres nothing we can do. I want to be a mother someday, and I'll teach my kid these things. I'll watch good movies with my kid, and I'll talk to them. I'll have real conversations, and I'll listen to them. I wont treat them like a joke, but I wont take them too seriously.

Rachelschallenge.com
Its this kind of thing that makes me believe in God, and heaven, and a meaning and purpose.
And Maybe life isnt about finding love. Maybe its just about finding happiness. My life has taught me that nothing is perfect, and things happen that are dissapointing, and things rarely go the way they're planned. And in 10 years I see myself living a screwed up life. I'll have problems, but who doesnt? I'll be dreaming though, I wont be jaded. I'll still be able to get up and dance my heart out if I feel like it.

Smile

My neighbors gave me balloons today. My sisters friend made me laugh. My mouth hurts really bad from smiling. Like, you have no idea. I hate not being able to do anything. I slept so much today. I was disgusted with myself. And I wanted to eat a cookie but I cant. And my friends want me to go to the mall tomorrow but im so doped up on pain meds that I cant even stay awake. These freaking teeth are ruining my good mood.

Okay, I'm done complaining. I just want these days to go by so fast. I'm very impatient sometimes.

Dont waste the sun on a rainy day.

Well, I think I'm a little bit high off of this pain medecine. Seeing as how I'm typing really slowly & carefully and i just emailed my best friend but i can barely remember what I told her, and my heads spinning a little and yeah.

They had to give me an iv when they pulled my teeth. I didnt even freak out that much. Maybe it was because i was holding the doctors hand. I dont know. But I didnt want my mother there. I dont recall wanting her there. I wouldnt tell her that though. I cant imagine how I could have done it, but I am proud of myself. They tried distracting me. But distractions dont work for me i guess. They kept saying "what do you like to do?" I couldnt think of anything at that moment. But I wanted them to just say that everything was going to be okay. Why is that so hard for people to understand? I mean, did they think i would just forget about the needle in my arm? No, distractions dont work for me. I like the truth, no matter how much it might hurt. Thats just the type of person I am. Now, atleast. Thats not who I was a year ago, and maybe it wont be who I become a year from now. But I hope I dont lose these truths.

I wrote a letter to my mom on saturday. Because we had a big fight. She didnt read it the way it was meant to be read. I think the thought of me actually writing her something made her cry more than the actual words, the actual meaning. I wish I could go back to borders and get another latte. That was sunday. I'm happy on sundays. I think I'm a sunday person. I dont know why, or if I'm even making sense. I think I'm bipolar. Because sometimes I'll be in a good mood for a long time, and then after a while I'll become really sad. It hasnt happened so much lately. But it does sometimes. I always seem to pick myself up out of the sad times though. I learn to be happy. Oh, and yes, it was valentines day when I fought with my mother. And yes she grounded me, on valentines day. No comment.

By the way, If you havent noticed yet, I changed the name of my blog from 'anything and everything' to 'less than perfect'. I though of it on saturday when all I could think was "I'm sorry if I'm less than perfect". My blogger name is still 'for blue skies' because I think that's what I live for. what I hope for.

11:11 Make a wish.

I dont really make wishes anymore. I think I just like knowing that I could if I wanted to.

I was babysitting on friday and the little girl, shannon, told me that she wished she had a unicorn. And she wanted to tell me really bad, and i kept telling her that if you say wishes then they wont come true. And then I was like ok, maybe if you whisper it will be okay. and shes like "okay, well its stupid anyway." But then she told me, and I told her that it could come true one day. And I believe it. Maybe someday someone will create a unicorn.

Okay, I'm about done writing this post. I'd just like to say, that if I could smile right now, It would be real. I wouldnt doubt my happiness for a second. I love my imperfect life. I dont want anymore downfalls. I dont care what other people think about me. I'm not jaded. I dont ever want to be. No matter what happens to me, what I live through, I'd like to keep this youth, and this honesty, and this happiness. Even though I've been crying on and off for the last 2 days... I dont doubt my happiness right now. And that must seem like a really weird thing to say. And maybe no one will understand. I'm a complicated girl, but I'm not jaded.

[the pictures i post here are not taken by me, i get them from photobucket. Just saying.]

To all of the 5 people that are follwoing my blog...

I'm sorry for the depressing mood of my posts lately. Its taken me a while to realize that nothing worth having comes easily. I really dont like the way I am, and I have a problem with my attitude and confidence. And If I want to change that then I have to try. Nothing is going to change if all I do is want. I want to be noticed, so I will make myself noticeable.

Anyway, my school did this computer match up thing where everyone filled out a survey and then you were given 10 matches based on your answers. Ohhh, that was interesting. And I had to snowshoe in gym class this week. I kind of like that class, because I dont know anyone and I can talk to anybody I want. But I kind of hate it because of all the "physical activity" and stuff like that.

My science teacher told me yesterday that when you get your wisdom teeth pulled theres a chance you could have permanent nerve damage if the dentist accidentally hits a nerve. And coincidentally I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled on monday. And yes, that is also my winter vacation, which kind of ruins all my plans. Because its my friends birthday party, and I'm supposed to have a girls night with some other friends, and I really want to go ice skating.

I Have nothing do to on valentines day. I'm thinking... scary movies with my best friend? Hopefully she'll be available.

Well I think I could say that this post was definately a waste of time.

Highschool.

It just isnt one of those things thats going to be a good experience for me.
I dont know what to do about my homework. I have no idea what I'm wearing tomorrow. And I have to wake up at 5, which I will not end up doing, hence a crappy outfit and forgotten school supplies. Not to mention a miserable mood. And there's those girls that look perfect no matter what and everyone loves them, and its so superficial. Its so stupid. And all I want is something different, something significant. or insignificant. Doesnt matter.

And this music I'm listening to narrows everything down. To a rhythm, a tune, a lyric. Its flowing together and that's what I hear and nothing else. My worries and insecurities are inaudible.

Stupid chain E-mails.

My 12 year old sister sent me one of those chain letters, and its said like "dont keep this for more than 6 minutes or you'll have bad luck for the rest of your life". But I kept it anyway because i liked what it said after that.

This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

I'll be the bright side of your bad day.

I'm wishing for something new. I miss that feeling of butterflies in my stomache. Maybe time to myself has helped me learn a little about who I am, but I think spending some time with alot of people with new ideas and conversation could also help me. Love is a scary thing, and I'm promising myself that I wont jump into it again. I have alot of regrets from last year, but I am at peace with that. What I regret the most is that I underestimated myself.
My goals for myself are to be outgoing and confident and fearless, and let go of the past and all the feelings it consists of, and let life happen.
I'm sick of this emptiness. I've grown so used to it, I'm tired.