'and as simple as it sounds, I think I've found the perfect way to grow old.'

so theres an Ice storm. And trees might fall through my bedroom roof. and yet I'm sitting in here writing. im smart.
anyway. I'm attempting to clean u my room. or atleast organize the mess.

Okay so my hands are shaking. That might have something to do with drinking and energy drink, and coffee, and having only a cookie for breakfast, at noon. niceeeeeeeee.
well its a snowday. (:
I'm going to my friend's later for her sweet sixteen.
It's really pretty outside. its sunny, but the trees are all covered in ice, and its like sparkly.


I've been learning how to deal with things when the go wrong. I'm learning what to say to keep everything under control. I have alot of patience with stuff, and I dont like getting mad. And I'm starting to learn who I am and What I want.
I've learned that nervous breakdowns are a pattern in my life.
I think I have everything under control, and then one little thing shows up that says I have it all wrong. And there I go, a mess on the floor. But I guess thats justhow I handle stuff.
I've learned most recently that I dont forgive people for things, as easily as I forget them.
Not even forget, its more like I push it from my memory, but its still there.
I think what really bothers me is that some things are so out of my control.


And I know that the world is so much bigger than it seems right now.

I already know that nothing is ever perfect, and that things go wrong. I've been trying not to make things more difficult than they need to be. Honesty is important to me. Most people let me down when it comes to that. I let myself down frequently. I cant trust many people. and that is partly my fault for not being willing to trust. I let people hurt me over and over.
I've learned that I love my mom and my sister so unconditionally that I continue to let them tear me down time after time. I couldn't risk losing relationships like that. I dont know why I ever did...
I dont understand why my life would be so much easier without some people, but I still couldnt stand to lose them.

I think I am scared to death of being hurt. I think I am scared of falling in love also. because I've turned away from any chance I've had. And the one time I didnt, it was all a waste of my time. maybe I'm afraid of wasting my time again.

speaking of wasting time.... I should be cleaning my room, and getting ready to go out.

Well, I didnt really mean for this post to turn into a 'self evaluation' but I guess it did.