this week was way too long.

I had a huge fight with my dad today.
And then I felt awful because he had to go out in the storm.
and then it stopped snowing, so I thanked God.
But I still dont forgive him.
I know thats awful, but he deserves it.
It didnt scare me when he was yelling at me. Because atleast he was expressing something.
Something real instead of that fake smile he wears all the time, with that fake personality.
And I'll eventually just say to him, Kim is your girlfriend, start telling me the truth. Communication and respect are two-way streets.
And you know what, my dad sounded so much like my mother when he told me not to ask him for anything ever again. But I didnt tell him that. It was actually kind of funny to hear that they say the same things to me.
And that whole time it didnt bother me. Because I was leaving, atleast for the time being. To go to my moms house, and there was nothing he could do.

This week I learned that people in my family have more problems than I ever cared to realize. And that is really scary, that I could end up like that.
And actually, I had a breakdown a couple nights ago. Because I wanted to leave my life so bad. I wanted to leave this town, and all the people behind. and start somewhere new and become anything.

But, tonight I had to babysit my 2 year old brother. can you say terrible twos? yeah well, I finally got the courage to change another diaper, and he let me put him to bed for the first time. even though it was at 11:30 at night, i still felt accomplished.
And so, that was my week. and now its midnight, and I have to get up early tomorrow to go to the food pantry for community service for my confirmation.

Christmas is this week.
I'm excited (:





This was one of my favorite songs back in september.
It reminds me why I wouldnt go back.
It gives me a reason to keep moving forward.
Because my feelings have changed so much, but I remember them so clearly.
I like my feelings now. No feelings for anyone. No one to please but myself.
Was I meant to be alone?
I'm thinking that right now I'm too young to be worried about things like that.
Maybe I will find someone to spend my life with. And maybe I wont.
But either way I'll still find a way t be happy. I know that.