This is not the first time they've forgotten about me.

Argue or leave are not your only choices when it comes to parenting.
I hope I can find a way to raise my kids when I grow up, that doesnt result in them crying on the bedroom floor.
And grounding me will just solve everything? tell me how is that going to make this better?
This is not a problem of my behavior. This is my problem with you.
I'm asking you to be different. And you can't even try. I cant even breathe.
And so you say its my fault, and then walk away. You've already given up a long time ago.

"and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her."

Jamie Tworkowski is the best writer I've ever heard of.
I first read his myspace blogs from To Write Love on Her arms when I was feeling awful one night.
They are full of hope and faith. And life.
And I suppose I felt the need to blog about this. Because everyone needs hope.
I dont know what else to say. I just dont feel like writing more. But you should click this link.
http://www.myspace.com/jamiewrites

I'm starting to believe the ocean's much like you, cause it gives and it takes away

In an earlier post a few months back I said that I missed when "people were who they were and we knew what we were doing. But I dont know who we are anymore."
And thats true, but I am learning. And thats basically what keeps everyone going. Learning.
And if we ever think we cant learn anymore, that's when we start to waste away.
And I think everyone loses themselves at some point. Because when you start to find yourself again it makes you appreciate being alive.


I'm listening to paramore's new song ignorance. Didnt paramore break up? oh well, I guess theyre back together. As long as theyre making good music, I'm happy (:
I have my heart set on ballet lessons. I want it to be a constant in my life, just like it used to be.
I'm pulling myself back together. Even though its taken a while. I have faith.

Funny the way it is...

He's the type of person who will listen to what you say just to throw it back at you when you least expect it. And I dont know why, but that makes me want to keep talking to make up for it. To find something that he cant judge me on, or to atleast call him on it.

The kind of person you dont want to have as an enemy.
He knows everything except how to care about someone.
Apologies are so cold on facebook messages. I know what this was about, but I'm scared of having my words so analyzed. I'm scared to talk. To him. Because I know him.

And I thought I was done with it, but I still have alot to say.

Stupid.

I thought I saw you today. I know thats crazy. But the guy I saw wasnt smiling, just like you didnt. And he wouldnt look at me for more than 2 seconds. Just like you wouldnt. And I wish I would have talked to him, to prove im not crazy. But I think I was scared, or maybe I just didnt care. Just another chance with us that slipped by.
But I wish you would call. Just so I would have the chance to tell you off without overthinking it and rearranging my words to sound nice. See how you react. All this tension built up, yet we never argue. You should hear what I have to say. I dont know if you are worth the breath or not. But It'll come out one way or another. Its not over. It never was. I want to tell you everything, against my better judgement. I want to make up for feeling nothing for so long. I want you to love me. I want you to hurt me. I'm sick of hurting myself. I guess I'm open to anything else. How pathetically screwed up is that?

But there's Hope.

Teenage.

If I'm supposed to be a child, then why are you rushing me to grow up?
If I'm a child then you cant really blame me for all of my actions, because part of that is because of you. I dont know any better, but thanks for not listening because that helps a bunch. Thanks for screaming in my face all my life because that gave me all the confidence I need. Thanks for being so condescending everytime I speak up. I'm sure I'll go really far because of that. And thanks for not caring when it was inconvenient for you. Because thats really what love is all about. Thanks for not teaching me anything, except how not to live. Thanks for not telling me that I could do great things, or ballet classes seem like a good idea, or I'm a good daughter, that your sorry.
Because I really did try to talk to you, but its never convenient for you to listen.
And what is that supposed to teach to a child? that my words arent worth hearing?
But I am not a child, and I know that that is wrong.
I'm growing up, and maybe someday you might listen to me.
But for now I'm stuck feeling awful, because do I really want to start a battle when its very likely I might not win? It might be worth it to keep my self respect. But I'm not sure I know how to be that strong. How do you fight someone who thinks they have total control over you? Control is not the equivalent to love. Its just not. And how do you care for someone who hurts you so many times, but thinks they can justify each and every one as the right thing to do. How do you fight someone you're supposed to love, but you just cant take it anymore?
It wasnt meant to be this way. Maybe its my turn to give up on you.

So I think I have another favorite movie...

Its called pump up the volume. Its from the 90s, I saw it on fuse today.
Yes, it is a teen movie but I think everyone can relate to it.
It basically comes down to knowing the difference between right and wrong. Life, death, community. Everyone can understand pain. Its real. So be it.

I also want to start taking ballet classes. again. I havent danced since I was 12. Which was only a few years ago, but I miss it. I kind of just quit without a second thought. But now I find myself going back to it. I try some stretches and poses that I remember every now and then. And I remember that I used to be able to do them perfectly. But most of all I miss having something that would make me forget about things. I recently discovered yoga and meditating and I realize that ballet was like meditation for me. The key to it is not to clear your mind of everything, but to let your thoughts flow through freely and just be ok with it. Its kind of peaceful. I'm googlingdance studios as I type this.

4th of July

Its cold in New York.
And people are funny.
How we go through the same things. And are more connected than we think.
And everyone changes. And you forget what fireworks used to mean to you.
And people are funny. Compassionate but corrupt.
"the fact that we have an enemy and we live in a broken world"
And everyone knew how I was growing up, but no one felt they could do anything about it.
Emotional abuse is just as bad as psysical.
Because it follows you.
Because she talks to us like we're nothing.
And I think that some people can only take so much of that in their life.
But arent I worth the effort?
When I said take care of us and clean up, I meant take care of yourself and clean up your life.
You can do better without her, so grow up. And I am worth trying for.


And you? I'm done caring about you now. finally.

We were so cold.

You're so sad. I bet you thought you would watch me grow up, make a ton of friends, go on my first date, my first love, first heart break.
But all that happened was I slowly dissapeared. And its not your fault. You had to work all those late nights. You had no idea I was wasting away.
How do I apologize for being so cold?
I'm sorry friend Kim is gone. She talked to me about school. I should have been nice. I should have set a good example for emma. I should have made you proud. But I was so cold. Thats the only way to describe it. I'm sorry.

What happens when I go away to florida for a week.

People change once they think they are permanent.
You treat me differently now that your my "step father" and not "my moms boyfriend".
But trust me, nothing is permanent.
You have to try with all you have if you want to mean something to someone, or to mean anything at all.
And dont judge how well I live my life. That is not your place to say anything no matter who you're married to.

Sometimes happiness is like a wish. If you say it it wont come true.
If you start listing the reasons why your so damn happy, it starts to seem like your trying too hard to make people think your happy. That youre actually not, that you actually want attention more than anything else. And dont ever call me your daughter. Because my father is nice to me and listens when I talk. And he spent his saturday mornings with me when I was little and going to ballet classes. He offers to buy me things out of sincerity and he does not ever talk down to me. No one should ever be spoken to the way you speak to me. I dont deserve it.

And Honestly, I think we could have done better than some cliche step dad story. I mean, do I really have to say out loud that you're not my father.