cant sleeeep.

I was thinking of the last time a was honestly happy.
And I ended up writing a poem.
It wasnt meant to be a poem, but it turned out that way.
I had to get this all down somewhere. I cant believe I've held on to it for this long.
I thought of summer 2007 when I was 13 and I took a plane to florida with my best friend and her family. This boy, however was not in florida, or new york. maryland. And it seemed so unreal at the time, so I just said anything I wanted.

And I finally woke up from that dream. Or maybe it was a nightmare?



I just wanted to be happy. and I was.
That time went by so fast. And everything changed so fast.
I didnt want to fall in love.
I dont know exactly what I wanted.
But I was happy then.
I remember smiling against my pillow before I fell asleep.
I was happy where I was.
And it wasnt because of him.
He wasnt there.
I remember how I never wanted to answer my phone when he called.
I hated being so tied down.
Tied down by an 'I love you'.
And I dont know why I said it back.
I didnt feel that way.
But he said forever.
And at first that was a comfort.
To think that somebody would be there for ever.
I wanted to believe that.
But I doubted it.
And I dont know why I said it back.
That forever is gone.
Gone with all the words we never meant
and the promises we knew we couldnt keep.
And I was in too deep.
He said I was his world. I was his angel. He could not live without me.
He would die for me. He would marry me. He would hold me in his arms.
He said I was beautiful.
But he didnt know.
He says, "there was no way of knowing."
"Fate had conspired against us"
This isnt fate, We brought it upon ourselves.
Our fate was just to create heartache.
Unecessary

There was no easy way out.
I had to leave him behind somehow.
He couldnt even say the words.
Coward
My actions spoke louder than his words.
they were screaming goodbye.

I might not have moved on.
But I'm ready to.

I've moved past everything that used to hurt.
The thoughts dont make me cringe.
I can think, 'yes, that was me.
it happened and now its over.'
And If I ever see him again
I will put on a brave face
and look right past him.
Because there is nothing to see,
except a boy who would never be who I wanted him to be.
He never belonged with me.
All that time slams together,
and implodes on itself.
to be forgotten.
That space it takes up in my head will be filled with new events.
People, and places, and moments, and ideas.