Christmas Eve Strangers

When you feel more comfortable around strangers than people who know you.
When you can't trust the people you're supposed to.
And you begin to question everything.
A friendship you thought would always be there is ruined so quickly.
So easily. And you moved on better than you thought you would.
When you long for being alone and nowhere.
It would be so easy to leave all of you behind.

Maybe it was genuine. When I touched your hair and you cried.
I won't regret giving you a second chance. I already don't.

Fucked up

I hate how you get fucked up all the time.

I always thought you would look at me differently,

But I never thought I would be the one to change my mind.

I don't care. I'm paranoid and jealous and fucking crazy.

So I hope you're happy.

Because I realized that without you I'm alot better.

I would be fine. It only took 3 days to get over you.

And I meant what I said, We have different standards.

Because I look at you sometimes and wonder what kind of girl I am.

Ballet

I miss ballet. I miss smelling like a dance studio- like sweat, and broken in shoes, the metal from the bar, and something more. I miss the cold bar on my hot hands and body. I miss stretching and feeling long and tall. I miss the structure. The Quiet. The noise. I miss being so thirsty, and water tasting so good. I miss improving. I miss having a place to go for me. Not for school, not for work, not for anyone else. I might not ever be in the Nutcracker or swan lake but I like ballet and it reminds me who I am. Who I am without anything else.

Kid cudi and Dirty Couches.

I'm so over those good times.
I was sad but it's not sad anymore.
In fact, I can't remember what was so great about them.
That should make me sad but it doesn't.
Those friends were fun but they drifted away.
Except for the one that ruined everything.
But you don't understand, that doesn't even make me sad anymore.
Because I'm so over it. It's just how it is.
And I have things to do.

My sister thinks I'm a "fake bitch" too.
But that's cool. Just because I accused her of stealing my make-up.
And she writes terrible things on the internet about me. And that's cool too.
And people agree to it too. People I dont even know. But that's okay.
I mean it bothers me (and confuses me). But what am I gonna do?
When I realized what she was even talking about I thought
"Yeah, I guess I'm a bitch. Get the fuck over it, or atleast call me out on it."
And that's probably the bitchy way to respond to it too.
But I dont care. I have things to do.

I'm a little insulted that all she could call me was a fake bitch.
I'm alot of things but that doesn't really explain anything, or hurt me at all.
Maybe like self-centered, or passive-agressive, or cranky? All of those would really work. But calling me a fake bitch is just lazy.

College

In the long run I don't think it will matter wether or not I had the experience of going away to college. Because really, that's not the reason why people go to school. I mean it would be alot more fun, but maybe I just won't get the chance to do it. And thats okay.

Neck kisses

I love your neck kisses
In my moms house
Watching the snow outside
It's like you can't help it.

Favorite

Too passionate for my own good.
You say the same things as everyone else, except I believe you.
It will hurt so bad to forget you.
When I can't remember what you smell like
Or how you taste, or the way your lips feel
How soft your skin is and your fingertips at my waist
Your smile and your eyes and the sound of your exhale.
Your freckles. Your hair and how I'm the only one you let play with it.
Your clamy forhead. Your princess room. All of your stories.
Your voice is my favorite sound.
You're my favorite.

Heavy

I feel so heavy.

Our Song

Even if something really is wrong
I should be mad at you. But I won't be.
I'll want to be. But trust me I won't be.
I can taste you still. Feel you still.
And it's the best feeling in the whole entire world.
It might be stupid. But I don't ever want to let you go.

heartbeat

I think it was when I first listened to your heartbeat.
And you asked me if it was fast or slow.
And I told you it was medium.

Always and no matter what.

Yesterday I wanted to tell you that I'll love you always and no matter what.
But those are heavy words. I think I still mean them.
I will love you no matter what, and I never want that look to fade from your eyes. I know though, that it can't be permanent.

Too Bad

Spring time early mornings
Cold dew and smeared make-up
Kid cudi booming from your roomate's stereo
Sitting on those gross old couches
Singing along still a little drunk
First impressions
Princess walls
5am half-awake goodbye kisses
Tastes like blueberry smirnoff and absolut raspberry
sweet smoke. soft and dizzy.
We will never be that young again
As free as I was. You made me invincible
Too bad it didn't last.

The way you look at me.

How did you become so rediculously important to me?
I should be so mad at you. I should hate you.
I can't though. I could never.
Because of the way you look at me.
I think you're great.
I think you're amazing.
Someday there might be a time when you stop looking at me the way you do. And it will break my heart.

See you again

I don't know what I would do if I were to see you again.
I would expect an apology. I don't know why you never tried harder.
You know what, you're stupid.
You have poor judgement.
Did you fucking expect me to do everything for you?
You were a terrible friend.
What did you ever do for me?
Besides make me look terrible in front of all the people who I thought the highest of. Besides completely change my parent's trust and respect for me. Besides ask me for everything without even thinking about what I had to fucking do. And then to think you're better than me. Just fuck you.
In reality, I would probably stay quiet.

How it is

Our sex is all about what feels good; that's another thing.
I feel like sometimes there should be more.
Because in reality, there's more than just what feels good.
We had had sex at least 3 times before we said I love you.
Which I didn't think was wierd at first,
Because at first I didn't even connect the two. Sex and love.
You never have. Sex is just sex to you.
That's how it was with all those other girls.
I know that when you said it didn't mean anything, you weren't lying.
And that's why I always wondered how it was any different with me.
How you could do something with so many other people and have it mean nothing, and then do the exact same thing with someone you care about.
It still means nothing. And it shouldn't. That's what bothered me.
That's what still bothers me. But I don't know what to do.
This is just how it is.
I would ask you but you wouldn't tell me because you wouldn't want to hurt me.
You wouldn't want me to know how many girls,
or if you cared about any of them.
And I wouldn't tell you any of this, because you would be hurt.
That I think it means nothing with me. That it's not enough for me.
I don't know if it's something you can change.

Not strong.

I am not strong these days.
I've cried every chance I get.
I must be pretty annoying.
Everything was going great though.
I hadn't cried in so long.
There's nothing I can do for a while though.
So I'll just have to suck it up until then.
I probably won't.
Too much to worry about.
I've never had to worry about all this before.
It's my fault. I deserve it.

And I wanna believe you, when you tell me that it'll be okay

I don't know what I'm going to do when I find out for sure.
Because I really love you. That's why it's so sad.
Before... I was angry. When I just started to sorta like you.
But I let it go, and I shouldn't have.
I don't know how I'm going to tell you.
I don't know if we could still be together.
This could be why we break up.
It's so embarrassing.
I don't know how I'm going to tell you.
But I need to find out.

I trusted you.
I trusted you.
I shouldn't have.
It's not your fault.
I deserve this.

Different

I don't understand how you don't pay attention to how I respond. I was so sad today.
You didn't even notice until I made you look me in the eyes. Even after I told you how it worries me. You kept going. I wanted you to make sure I was okay but you kept going. And I know, how were you supposed to know? But you did before. You just should have known. We're so different. I used to think so highly of you. I used to not thing anything of you.

I love you but
"We're so different."
You wouldn't talk to me today when I said that to you. Whenever you know I'm right you just stop. And even when I'm wrong. You give up and I hate it. I wanted you to say something great. Even if it was something sad. I want you to tell me something significant. I want you to fight with me even if I think youre wrong. Or apologize, or both. I want you to fight with me. We've never had a serious conversation. I'm so scared of what you'll say whenever I bring something up. Maybe that's why you're not always honest. But isn't that worse?

It's sad but I liked myself better before I loved you. You make me feel insecure. Like I have something to prove.

Not give up.

I haven't felt depressed in a really long time.
I haven't had any of those days where I physically can't get out of bed,
where I really really don't want to.
I never knew there was a difference between sad and depressed.
Because before, I was only always depressed. Because nothing happened.
Or I didn't let anything happen. Or it doesn't matter, but now
So many great things are happening. So much at once that it's too good to be true.
So one of those huge great things goes wrong.
And I feel so so sad. Like my heart is breaking.
But not like I want to die.
Because I have to apologize and try and fix it
or I have to move on and find something new.
Not give up.

Hurt

Took me a while to realize that you hurt me.
Because I didn't expect it. And you didn't mean to.
There's nothing either of us can do.
I know your sorry. It still bothers me.
Having fun is one thing, but having absolutely no willpower, no conscience.
Is absolutely disgusting.

I thought I should let you know.

Love you.
What?
I love you. ...I thought I should let you know.
I love you too.

Woke you up in the middle of the night just to let you know.
Everytime we say goodbye or goodnight.
When there's a tornado warning you let me know. Just in case.
It's funny because I had no feelings for you at all whatsoever in the beginning.
And now I have a ton of them. Somehow now you mean so, so much.
And without even realizing it, you've helped me become the person I wanted to be.

References

This doesn't feel like enough of a change.
It'll hit me eventually that my closest friends are gone.
I filled out a job application today and when I wrote out my references
I realized there's not that many people that think highly of me anymore.
Because all my mistakes have been magnified, and the people that matter
Are the ones who know everything and don't think any less of me.

You make me feel at home.

All I want to do is watch movies and listen to your heartbeat.
You're like a drug, making me forget everything else.
And I just need to lay my head down until everything stands still again.
Everything feels more like home when you're around.
You make me feel at home.

Fuck up

We fuck up and set bad examples.
But we always try to be there
when our little sisters need to talk.

Sometimes perfection can be, It can be perfect hell.

I hurt because I know better now.
So many songs I can't bring myself to listen to.
So many memories that could have been great.
I walked down our street alone tonight.
I'm 14 forever. I miss everything.
We will never be happy like that again.

You're welcome

The only time we hung out was to go to parties or talk about a party.
And she was stupid for getting caught.
But I was stupid to believe that we were actually friends.
After everything I did, everything I risked.
I cared about you, I took care of you after every long night.
Stopped her from making so many mistakes.
Did so many favors for nothing in return.
And after everything is over I must be the one who hurt you.
You're only sorry you got caught.
Not that you ruined everything for me after I risked everything for you.
I was the best friend you ever fucking had.
So you're welcome.

Ten thousand drunken kids in a field can’t be wrong, The Song must be beautiful or they wouldn't sing along

I am the biggest dissapointment.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never made mistakes.
I have a friend like that, she always follows the rules. Always is in bed on time.
Always does everything perfectly. Never partied or lied or snuck around did anything "Bad".
And she's never been curious about anything, never wondered what it would be like to stay out all night, or try something her parents never allowed or break the rules.
At times like these I wish I could be like her. But I don't want to be 70 years old and wish I had broken some rules when I was younger. I dont want to wish that I had more fun or wonder what it would have been like. And the way I see it fucking up like this has taught me some stuff. It's taught me who my true friends are, when I need to apologize, and never to do anything like it again. I feel like shit and I'm taking care of it. And I'm going to feel shittier. But I deserve it. And I have to suck the poison out. Apologize. And I'm leaving you behind forever.

Differences

You lifted me up and pressed me against the wall
And with my legs wrapped around your waist, you kissed me.
And the water poured over us.
And it was supposed to be romantic.
One of those moments that give me butterflies in my stomach.
But it didn't.

I finally cried on the way home.
And I think it's because you ask so much of me.
I used to just lay on your chest and think I love you.
But last night I just layed there feeling tired and empty.
And you didn't know the difference.
That's all I would ask of you is to try and know the difference.

Far away

I can't even go back to the fucking therapist because I feel like I let her down. I can smell your breath still. And even when you're right in front of me, I can't seem to wake myself up. I'm far away and disconnected.
All the time.

Nervous

I can't get the taste of you out of my mind.
Same with this sore throat I have in the middle of summer.
And it's so difficult to connect the two.
Because one says you care about me, and the other says you don't.
And the thing is, I really started to like you, a lot.
But I don't know whether I should kiss you or turn away in disgust.
And I definitely don't know how to tell you.

So uncontrolably angry.

I think about how things have changed.
My mom is good at handling all the cliche teenage stuff I've been doing lately.
Because I bet she thought about it. And thought of what she would do if her kids ever did those things. But she never thought about anything else I would do. Not even when I was doing it. And I think that's why she got so angry. Why she always gets so angry. She knows that beating your kids will hurt them. But I don't think she knows what words do. Or at least she's never sat and thought about it. Never considered that maybe all that hatred is completely unnecessary.
There is just something inside her that makes her so uncontrollably angry.

Fireworks

I'm doing all the things we said we would do together with him.
I don't wish it was you, and I don't really miss you.
I just kind of realized.
I shouldn't end this just because I'm not used to it.
Just because it might be a little difficult.

Why can't you be, the part of me that's missing?

I've never been a couple.
I hate it because at parties with your friends I feel like I have to constantly stand at your side. Like that's what I'm expected to do.
I like your friend because when he's high he thinks everything is amazing.
It's like the sense of humor I have even when I'm sober.
But I think its kind of sad that he has to get high to enjoy things.
The thing is, you aren't really anything ever. We don't laugh at the same things at all.
And I understood the movie, and I could have told you a million meanings it had and so much shit about symbolism and imagery and love and darkness, and evil and freedom.
But if I told you what would you even say?
And maybe you think its okay when we sit outside and don't really have a conversation.
But I hate it. And sometimes I don't even want to kiss you and I don't want to talk or lay in bed or anything. And if you saw what's on my ipod, you probably wouldn't like half of it.
You're nice and protecting, but way too simple sometimes. You never tell me what you want or how you feel. Why can't you be upfront and tell me what you fucking want, or ask for something? Fucking talk to me. It took a over a month of this before you even called me beautiful, like do you know what you're doing or?
And every time I spend the night there I leave in last nights clothes, uncomfortable or hungover or both and then I have to take a detour to my house so it doesn't look like I came from your apartment. And then I come home smelling like weed and your cologne even though I haven't done the least of what my parents are worried about.
I know we're not right for eachother. Things would be so much easier, they would just happen and fall together. But when we're together my mind is so many other places. Like I'm wondering what time it is, what my friends are doing, have you ever done this before, what's on tv, who's outside in the kitchen, how am I going to tell you I have to leave. Sometimes I stay longer just to avoid the akwardness of telling you I have to go. And you don't always have to walk me to my car, just when it's dark out. Because it always akward when I'm driving back and I see you walking back to your house, like do I wave?

My goal in this relationship is just not to lose myself. I think that's sad. I had to tell you I was going to bed so I could just have some time. And I do that alot. For some reason, in order to feel close to me you have to tell me all the boring shit about your day and I should do the same. You don't even give me a chance to miss you, but the second I stop responding you'll lose interest. I almost forgot about my favorite songs and shows and books and movies. Like I can't just tell you off the top of my head everything there is to know about me, you just have to figure it out. Sometimes I don't even realize who I am until I start to lose it a little bit.

Loved more.

Right now we are 70/30.
You are the 70, you've always been the 70.
Actually maybe we're 60/40.
Halfway but not quite.

It just makes me feel better that if this goes wrong,
I can say I was never the one who cared more.
Or will I wish that I had been that one?

With you baby

I forget that you're my boyfriend sometimes
So sometimes I get bored of you and I want to just stop.
But I forget there's consequences for that now.

We're just so different. I always always fall for guys who are so different,
You're just the first time it actually followed through.
I can't be at every single party, that's just not how my life works.
I'm pretty sure this song reminds tons of girls of making out with you.
And there'll probably be more.

Something good for once

Food always tastes better when you're hungover.
Boys are not a priority. Parents are annoying and money is necessary.
Things are about to get really complicated. Now I remember why I never do this.
And is it even worth it? Are you even worth it, or am I just trying to prove to myself that I can keep something good for once.

Heart Beat

Right now it doesn't even matter if you never do the things you say, just that you're saying them at all. And for days I could still feel your arms around me... and I don't know about you but it's gone for me now.
I mean I wouldn't regret it, I wouldn't regret you. But wouldn't you rather it be more than just not a regret?
I never trust you when you say I have beautiful eyes. And I don't feel butterflies either.
I don't really know what I'm doing or what I want. But I like hearing your heart beat and when you wrap your arms around me tight. I like knowing that you're human and that I'm not alone. That's all I really know.

Invincible

My hand slips into yours so easily.
We won't be friends when this is over.
You make me feel invincible sometimes,
But when I come home it's complicated.

I call you by his name sometimes in my head.
Because I think you're great sometimes.

Monsters

They love to sound angry, even if they're really not.
But after a while, trying to sound like a monster eventually turns you into one.
They'll feel really great about themselves if they have the last word.
But then in the silence, you know they're nervously reconsidering every word.
Or maybe that's just me.

Kissed

When I think about it, I've never kissed anyone
I've always been the one getting kissed.
But I really just want to be kissing you again :)

"One of us has to drive, One of us gets to think"

I don't know what I'm doing,
But I like that you kiss me goodbye.
I wish we could be back in your bed holding hands.
I would tell you everything.
But I can't have a good conversation
When I'm always the one driving.

Even Now

After that awful night, I kept thinking of you.
And how you would have thought I was disgusting.
Everything I do, I measure it up to what you used to think of me.
Even now, I still try to live up to that girl.
Even now, that you don't think of me at all anymore.
That's what I should be embarassed about.
Not about stumbling out of that room
Or how it looked when I did
But That I still think you're great.

Barefeet

I don't know how it feels to love your parents that much.
There's so much that I'm not sure how to do.
You've broken me, all the things I can't change.
My anxiety, and how I don't like to talk.
But since I've been lying you like me better.

Disgusted.

Your laugh seems forced and unnatural.
Like you're laughing at me.
You mumble when you speak to me,
Like I'm not worth enough for you to enunciate.
I'm disgusted with myself.
And you. How dare you.

Losing touch.

It's losing it's touch for me.
You're the only thing I could taste and smell all day today.
No matter how many times I showered and brushed my teeth.
And I don't know what to do when you linger in my car.
I'm not sure how I feel about always driving.
I wish you weren't afraid to touch me when I'm sober.
It's not romantic.

Beautiful

I don't like talking to the therapist.
She only wants to know what's wrong,
She doesn't care if it's beautiful.

Lame.

I just remember waiting to feel sad.
Waiting to feel like it was over.
Like something had happened.
Only there was never one specific moment.
It happened over time.
Kind of how we never really started.
I know it's lame but I loved you.
I know that in another life we probably would have been perfect.

Lose Yourself

I just really like the way you smell and how you circle your fingers on my arm and kiss my shoulders. And you didn't try to get me upstairs and you let me sleep on you. You're a good guy, that's all.

New York City

I don't mind going with the flow, until it starts to lead no where.

Counselor

You'll never understand.
Too focused on fixing what's wrong, you skip to the solution.
None of the formula-like approaches you learned in college will turn my life around.
That's not even what I'm asking for.
Stop stop stop moving on and just listen.
Just because this is your job doesn't mean I'm work.
You end my hour early and start late.
Even the fucking counselor can't wait to get rid of me.

Oh, Calm Down

I've found that people love when you get upset, and overreact.
It gives them something to hold against you.
Even if you were right to be angry.
Getting upset over something small doesn't make it any more important.
And it doesn't make you any more interesting.

Expectations

Only doing what's expected of me
Only saying what you need to hear.
Not going to prove that I'm not the quiet one
because sometimes I am.
And I don't care.

Absolutely nothing.

It's a constant struggle. Not to hide.
I guess I never really left that behind.
Because often I still feel like I'm 13 years old
And absolutely nothing.

Sorry, Rain, Better

I just really really hope you're doing ok. I felt so small and sorry.
It's really selfish of me to want you to come back, but I do. I did.
I just want you to be ok, and happy. I just want it to get better,
you deserve to for things to be better.

I'm selfish and lazy and I have horrible timing.
I don't want to sleep until everything's better.
I miss how loud the rain sounds in my old room.

Stop already.

We could do this without getting angry.
There's no reason why you can't just give me what I want.
It wouldn't cost you anything; I don't see why you can't just do something decent.
Maybe I only appear so fragile and afraid, so in need of protection
because I've never had the chance to be anything otherwise.
One of the few escapes; And now it's an argument.

I don't really care why you're so fucking angry.
I just want to to stop already.

Dreams

I have nightmares where I'm walking in a crowded place and I can't keep my feet on the ground, like I'm floating. I'm floating away but trying to walk at the same time. And I'm the only one, and no one notices but I'm so afraid they will.

Name

It's strange when you say my name.
You never call me by it,
Only say it to other people.
It's very odd.

Freedom

When I die it will most likely be a suicide.
I'll find my freedom, when I can't take it anymore.
I'll most likely go insane. If I'm Lucky.
When I can't find the words anymore.

Loud

You're so loud. Everything you do is angry.
Why do you have to talk so much? It doesn't make you better.
Too many adults
Who are unhappy
and like to argue.

I love to see you happy.

I like the quietness that comes over you when you concentrate. I like how you're small but strong. How you're constantly screwing up but you know what you're doing. You still say hello to me even though we're so different, and you're simple. I love how you don't worry. You don't keep things in. Our conversations are honest, even if they're not about anything. I can say things that make no sense and you just listen. I get happy when I see you. I love to see you happy.

The whole world looks different from the driver's seat.

Sometimes I sit in art class and wonder why the hell we're drawing something that exists already or something we could just take a picture of. And sometimes I really enjoy it, creating something. It's a peaceful satisfaction.

I think I'm going to disappear tomorrow.

Escape.

I am quiet; I don't need permission.
I am free, yet I am trapped.
I allow myself to be trapped,
Because someone has to care.

Anger

I don't know. I don't know. I feel old.
I can't even feel angry anymore.
I just want it gone, you to be gone.
I want your anger to go away.

Augustana

I feel like a stranger in this bed.
Afraid of the girl who used to lie here.
Everything was simple, even the hard parts.
We failed.

Questions

I found an old picture of us, oh my god.
You're the same, but I am a stranger.
How'd we get this way?

How we end up

Somehow I seem to end up with the guy who knows everyone's name.
He's used to being in control, and I'm just a girl on his side.
Cares more about having a pretty date more than he cares that it's me.
In the pictures we'll look happy.

Everything

Sometimes I feel like I am everything.
Sometimes I am nothing.
Especially on saturdays.
And it's so hard to come back to reality
And try to remember how to speak your language.
It's too big.

Look at me

I know her family isn't perfect, but just once I want my parents to look at me like that, so I can ignore them like that. I want them to look over and be proud of how I'm doing, so much that they can't find words for it. And not think that it's because of them, but just because of who I am. On my own. I want them to want me to be great. Instead of constantly asking me to settle, assuming the lowest of me. I want to be looked at like that.

Fix you

Just one more thing to stress about.
I don't know if I want to fix this.
The only version I've ever known of her is mean.
And if things change, it won't even be her anymore.
It's far too much to ask for her to be who I want.
And even if you miraculously find a way to fix this,
I will have lost the only part of her I ever had.
It's a sick kind of love.

Both of us.

I need to go to dance tomorrow.
Next tuesday is just one more thing to stress about.
One more uncomfortable parent conversation.
I didn't think anyone knew.

If I were you,
I would have asked me what was really wrong.
I would have been a friend.
I would have made her cookies and bought her nutella.
Or an icecream sundae.
Bought her movies, and told her everything would be okay.
I would have gone downstairs when I heard her crying last night and hugged her.
Because apparently, you knew about that too.
I would have listened to how she had such a horrible monday that it still hurt on tuesday.
And I would have told her I'm so sorry because If I were her, I wouldn't want to hear anymore excuses.
But I can't be both of us.

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive

We used to talk about music. And you reminded me of all the songs I had forgotten.
You were all those songs. I began to get butterflies in my stomach when I saw you each morning.
Butterflies. And we would actually try to do our art assignments. And some of them were actually really good. But not anymore. It's all shit now.
And I kind of hate you for changing, but sometimes I don't blame you.

Wrong.

I tried to go to sleep. I got so scared.
I remember when I listened to your favorite song, and I finally got it.
And every day, you're a day further away from me.
But I'll still feel like I have something to prove to you.
To prove to you that I'm awake now, and I get it, about the song.
And it's a selfish thing. You shouldn't have to come back and listen just because I finally realized the person I needed to be. I finally realized that I loved you.
Our timing was always wrong. Wrong.

Nothing in particular

Sometimes I swear, I can feel the entire universe moving.
Sometimes I get so bored with where I am, I just drift away into nothing.
Looking ahead at absolutely nothing in particular.

Criminal

I used to watch a lot of those crime shows like law and order, and I hated the way they speak to the criminals. I would say that no one deserves to be spoken to that way. So hateful, like they're the scum of the earth, even if they are. It would give me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I would feel like the criminal. And then I remember that some of those people aren't innocent. And I'm not sure what I think anymore.

Hated.

It's a battle you can't win.
A downward spiral that you don't even realize you've fallen into until you hit the bottom.
And it makes me so sick. I don't want to be touched anymore.
I get to a point where I can't tell the difference, it all seems evil.
And it won't leave me alone.

Get out of the way.

I woke up and thought I can't fucking do it again.
Because some friends would keep you around just to not be alone, just because you're the better option at the time, even when you have nothing at all in common anymore.
And some people would rather be alone than walk home with you.
Would rather be alone than make a simple nice gesture to someone having the worst day.
Because when you see someone who needs help, you don't stand there and stare at them, just waiting for them to get out of the way.
There is nothing that makes that okay.
Nothing's okay.

Bulletproof weeks

I'm spending time going back tonight.
Because the other day, my mom asked me if I wanted to go see Jamie tworkowski speak at sage college. And I had forgotten about how much To Write Love On Her Arms has meant to me. And how I found them in the first place.
I used to want to be an intern for them in florida. I remember saying I want to be a part of this. I think it might be uncomfortable to go with her though. Because she used to come to church with me, and it was uncomfortable. They would talk about love and God and she would nod and make sounds of agreement like she lived that way.
And it bothered me so much. Because her nodding and righteousness didn't matter. Thats not what any of it was about. It's about humanity and community, and you're supposed to do something, not sit there and nod and look like a good person. And then when it's over go home and act hateful, because you nodded in church so people think you're good. No.
I don't want this night to end up like church.
But also, I don't understand how she thinks.
I don't know if I can talk to her during the car ride home about what they will say.
Because to her, it will only be something to talk about.
But I wonder, if I tell her what I think of the world, how will it hit her?
If we talked about all those people I said
You know what, sometimes I dont blame them.

Ghosts

When he told me about the clouds in the night sky.
How they escaped the chimneys and turned into ghosts.
He was scared of them.
They're you.
The voices,
The screams I hear when I'm in between asleep and alive.
They're you.

Shouldn't have to ask.

I want someone to kiss and hug. I crave affection.
I haven't felt like this since right before I met you.
You were so different.
I don't want someone to ask me how my day was everyday.
You shouldn't have to ask me.

2/16/11

Sometimes I lose myself.
I don't participate in life.
There's so much I don't understand,
That I tend to separate myself.
I see things so simply.

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me" -Ayn Rand

I admire Ayn Rand for her freedom. She made herself heard.
Can you blame her for thinking she was superior?
Everyone gave her so much attention.
It all seems like a huge contradiction to me.
But still, Can you blame her?

Smile

I don't think you understand...
That it completely makes my day
if I say something that makes you smile.
I wish we weren't so different.

Human.

Without government it would be chaos, he said.
No, It's already chaos. It's chaos either way.
"Government" is not the problem, people are the problem.
Aren't we all people?
I am the problem.
I am a saint and a sinner.
There is no difference.

I do not possess a political mind.
I can only think about humanity, people.
Politics make no sense to me. Government bewilders me.

Why

Completely and totally empty.
I get so tired sometimes that I can't make myself function.
WHY do you hate me so much?

What I live for

There are times when I understand how people can take their own lives.
And there are times when I remember why I don't.
What I live for.

Trying not to exist

I'm sitting here trying not to exist
And you think I can't hear you.
But I can.
It's just curtains.
Who really wins?

Brother

How dare you fucking talk to my brother that way?
I don't think you understand that I would lay down my life for him
And all you fucking care about is getting this "growing up" thing over with.
Like he's a burden on you, like we all are.
You seem to really believe that he deserves the way you treat him
All the fucking yelling, and the hate.
He is the purest, honest, most beautiful kid in the world.
And you werent even listening when he told me about the clouds in the night sky
Floating from the chimneys turning into ghosts.
Just fucking listen.

Feel Something

"It's good to feel something"-Aldous (get him to the greek)

Not crying doesn't mean I'm happy. I know that good and bad always come together.
And when I think about it, some of the happiest times in my life also were the saddest.
There was this one summer, the summer before high school, when I laughed the most I have laughed in my entire life. I remember it in glimpses. Walking down our street laughing, jumping in the pool laughing, talking on the phone laughing, everything was bright even when it was night time. I was so happy and comfortable and it was new. And so was the saddness. Almost every night that I was alone, and some nights that I wasn't, I cried myself to sleep. Over what he did. And how they lived. When I'm happy now, it's in a different way. It just feels different, older. But sometimes the saddness feels exactly the same. Especially here. I lie on my back staring up at the cieling and the room starts to close. Nothing really changes but it feels darker. And it starts slowly. And before I know it, it starts to come in glimpses again. I close my eyes and start shaking. Choking, I can't allow myself to breathe. I struggle, making pictures in the shadows through blurry eyes. I think of him lying in prision. Wondering if he's looking up at the cieling feeling this exact same way. Or maybe he's not. Wonder if maybe he still hates her enough to pull the trigger again. Or maybe not. I think of how everything was ruined.

The saddness is always bigger than the happiness. That's just how it is.
And I guess that's why when you choose happy, it's that much better.

Restless.

I not mature, I'm just smart.
because being mature requires experience, and being smart requires being observant.
Sitting and watching. And that's all I've ever done.
And I have to stop. I can't get any smarter.
I'm restless.

Wrong section.

I think of you sometimes, when I look in the mirror and see the person you used to see. And It makes me happy to be that person again, and sad because you were the only one to see her.
And you are gone.
How did I go through this much of high school with out going to a hockey game? I looked over at all of them and noticed that I was sitting in the wrong section. These entire four years, I have been sitting in the wrong section. With the wrong people. And I know that I will look back and wish that it was more than it has been.
I've never been able to understand how she can be content with not taking chances. It bewilders me to an extreme that she can watch people having fun and not wonder what it's like and not want to join them. It seems inhuman. And I've missed my chances, because high school is ending. And I'll never know.
On graduation day I'll cry, because of every homecoming, and basketball game, and dance that was not enough. I feel like I havent "done high school" the right way. I haven't had all of the fun experiences so many other people have. And I want to know what that feels like. Why can't I know what that feels like?

In this moment

I've been getting this odd dizzy feeling lately.
It's almost like I can feel the earth spinning.
Like there's something in me that refuses to stand still
In this moment.

Fear is the heart of love

Fear is the heart of love because youre afraid to hurt them.
You're afraid to dissapoint or embarrass them
Or be somone they're ashamed of.

And she said, "It's so ugly, It's almost beautiful"

Goodbye.

I don't fucking have my entire fucking life figured out.
I won't pretend to know what I'm doing, or that I'm happy when I'm not.
So goodbye.

2/11/11

We're all murderers and saints.
There is no difference.

Places.

There are places in my heart that even I don't dare to go to.
A dave matthews band song reminds me that I'm alive tonight.
I finally looked at the clock, just in time to make a wish.

Warning: this post is cliche.

See that I know what I'm doing.
I've gotten here without any help from you.
And you are what's keeping me here.
Suffocating.
And now I know what to say on a job interview.
And I know how to talk to college representatives.
And I've figured it all out by making mistakes.
And I don't know if I will stop being disappointed
When I ask for help and you don't bother.
And I embarrass myself. Again.

Why would you want me to end up like you?
Killing myself to do work I hate until I can't function anymore.
Why would I want more of that?
Unhappiness

Turning down the music.

Lately I've been finding myself in more and more of those unexpected situations where you don't know how to react how how to respond or what to say first. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people that could come up with a lie to smooth everything over on the outside when I need to. To save myself the embarrassment of being so painfully honest. Caught on the spot, I am an unorganized, stuttering mix of messages. Too much all at once.
I don't know how to talk to you, in a way that you'll hear me.
And sometimes I wonder, when you yell the way you do, if what you want more is to be heard, or to hurt me. Each time you hurt me differently. It's a different reason for the same thing.
Why don't I turn down the music for you. Maybe it's because when I want to find quiet I have to wait until three AM. Or maybe because if I did, that would make me "good" in your eyes, and I'd rather you just see me. Maybe because you're already mad when you ask me to. You assume your "authority" instead of just being. Can't you just be?

The worst feeling:

Seeing your friends having an awesome time without you.

Chicken noodle soup, thunderstorm, & saturday night

Little things are what makes this sucky night a little bit better.
Tastes like quiet childhood.
Like my mother curled up reading
On our living room couch on rare summer afternoons.
The way she was supposed to be.
I've always thought that people who love each other
will bring out the best in each other.
Everything I do seems to bring out her worst.

Again

Crying like that again felt foreign and numb.
It made me remember who I was.
When I knew what I was doing.
Before it had gotten old.
I had sworn that I would never get used to it.
That I would always let her hurt me as much as the first time
So that I wouldn't forget. So our pain would always matter.
But it was always just me.
And I wonder if when I finally am free, will I remember who I was?
I need to find out who I am without the pain.
The pros and cons of staying here.

Movement.

I like the way my clothes smell like dance studio.
I like the smell of cigarettes.
I miss the feeling I would get
as I was flying through the air.
The satisfaction of landing a tor jete.
The movement.
Everything else is old.
Everything else is still.
Hopeless.

Belong.

I bet you feel really great.
I don't know why I cried.
I don't belong here.
No where
is quiet
enough.
I can't respect you.

Saturday Mornings

Sleeping over at her house is so easy.
Like being a kid again.
It's clean and lived in and parents talk.
And saturday mornings were happy again.

alive

Yoga mat and cinnamon scent
Rearrange furniture and let the sunlight in
Let it be, singing together.
He's so proud of her.
So proud.
Thats the way it's supposed to be.
The way I was supposed to be.
Loved and grown and happy.
That's the way it was supposed to be.

Unnecessary

Crazy how somehow you sing clearly.
When everything else gets lost in transit.
What goes on in your head.
Stewarts coffee.
I feel guilty if I ignore what they're doing.
How they treat him.
I need to make myself remember that it's wrong.
That we all deserve better.
That it's so unnecessary,
And I am Different.

Wonder.

So here I am.
I don't know why, but I remembered your birthday.
For some reason, I still feel like I have to make up for who I was to you.
I don't want anything back, and I don't want a second chance,
but sometimes I miss you.
And I have no idea why.

You're probably out celebrating.
Having the time of your life
Just like you're supposed to.
I know for a fact that you've forgotten about me.
And I'm glad. You never needed that part of me.
And neither do I.

Have the time of your life

Settle.

Filling out
My application
For community college.
I shouldn't
Be asked to settle.

Nothing,

Nothing happened, I'm just not happy.
And you know, happiness is temporary
But so is feeling terrible.
And right now I am in between
I am going nowhere, just empty.
And it seems to drag on and on.
And I'm sick of it always finding me.
I'm so sick of coming home.
This place is pitiful.
And I am lost in it.