yesterday

i had a minor teenage crisis yesterday. It was pretty stupid. I ended up throwing a shoe at the wall.

Better mood.

I should go out of my comfort zone more often.
And listening to the jonas brothers always manages to put me in a good mood.
And I shouldnt spend too much time alone. Thats depressing.
Oh, and I wish it was summer.
And I like being a teenager, and having a life. I need that.

I'm going to my moms tomorrow, which is good because i need to get away from my dad. He's very boring, and you cant carry a conversation about anything with him. I think that I'm kind of like him sometimes, and I dont want to be. I want to have an exciting life with people that I care about, who I can talk to and laugh with and be serious with. I'd like to have that someday. I'd like to meet some unique people, and not judge them. I hope I'll have that someday, and be honestly content, and not have to second guess my happiness.

Waiting for a phone call from a friend.

I have a headache, and I feel like I dont know who I am anymore. Like I've lost touch with myself. I havent written in a while, and that might be because I had a strange nervous breakdown last friday and I was afriad to deal with that. I think I still am. I dont know what happened to me, but I was doing fine and then these little things that happen all the time just really got to me. Maybe it was just the realization that I could change myself so much and yet all the motions of my life could stay exactly the same. I dont understand why...
One week ago, I was not the person I am now. And you would never even know. My mindset was completely different.
Maybe this is exactly what I was looking for. To be outside my comfort zone. I'm about to go over to a new friends house, with her family who I havent met before. And I was so nervous about what they would think of me. And I remembered that a little while ago, I wouldnt have cared.

I realize that I think too much sometimes.

Imperfect.

I deserve to be treated with respect. I have flaws, but I try my best. So much happened today, that I'm not in the mood to talk about.

Bring me back down to earth.

My friends are so dramatic. And I realize that I have nothing in common with these people. But I made it that way. I had to learn that nothing is set in stone, and everything is always changing. And people are capable of good and bad, and sometimes people will suprise me. I spent most of last year tearing down my life, only to realize that my plan didnt fit into reality.
All I really want right now is good conversation with someone who cares. And that is nowhere to be found. I seem to always want someone new to talk to. And I used to be so scared, and self concious. And lately I havent given a shit when someone gave me a dirty look, or saw me trip in the hallway, or heard me say something stupid. I screw up alot, that's who I am. And I dont care. I know what's important, even though it took me a while to figure it out.
And maybe the truth is that I try so hard to be happy because I'm scared that if I fall, there will be no one to pick me back up. Except for myself.
I've been wasting so much time. Life is too short. I'd like to make the best of it, and let go of this bitterness. Because I dont care anymore.

"we have chosen hope over fear"

I think that I write when I'm lonely. Because when my social life seems to pick up, I seem to lose interest in blogging. But I'd like to make writing a habit. Because I think I could be good at it.

I think I'm sick. I'm getting like hot flashes and then chills, and i cant breathe through my nose. But i have to take midterms tomorrowwww. ahhh.



Anyway, I watched part of barrack obama's inauguration. It made me feel hopeful, and i think it did the same for the majority of the country. I believe he can do what's best for america.

"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord." -Obama

Butterflies in your stomach.

I hung out with my sister and her best friend last night. Theyre in seventh grade.
I never knew how much fun 12 year olds could be, haha.
But yeah, I've had a god weekend. I went shopping today with my best friend. I didnt realize how much I really needed that.

I'm not really in the mood to write today.

So everybody will ask what became of you...

I got a job application for dunkin donuts yesterday. I really need a job. I spent most of my money friday night at the mall. And now I have no money to spend when I go out.

I've been feeling more social lately. And so I've been in a pretty decent mood.

I've been getting to know the people in my family. I don't know why I never did, but I like the changes I am making. I want to become brave, and happy. I think, the people I know haven't changed, but my attitude about them has. My interests and values have changed. And I've learned that its important to me that the people I spend time with think deeply, and talk openly, and have a mature sense of immaturity. ...I guess you could call that last one an oxymoron, but it makes total sense to me. And I've learned that everyone has their own memories, and we're not alone in our suffering. Everyone has heartache to deal with at one time or another. And those things will never go away. You learn to live with it, or it will eat you alive. And it kind of sounds like I'm giving advice right now, but really I'm writing it for my own benefit. Sometimes I go back and read things I've posted, like if I've had a bad day, and it will just calm me down. And some days I wont write anything, I'll have no words filling my head, or sometimes to many to organize into sentences.
I actually write in a notebook sometimes (old schoool, I know right?) and I write myself notes and put pictures in it and everythingg.

You know what? My phone just rang. Let me get back to my life now, hah.
I just made plans to go to the mall tomorrow since theres no school. And it looks like I'll be watching my friends buy stuff.

Just one more thought,
2008 was such a rainy year. I have a good feeling '09 will have some blue skies.

Kissing angels.

I went with my mom today to help her friend shortie take down her christmas decorations. Her real name is actually margret, but we call her shortie because, well she's like 4 feet tall.
And I think I've said this before, but she is the sweetest lady. She told me about one of her friends that she had years ago, who taught her how to knit. And the story was so much better than I make it sound, but I really couldnt tell it because its not mine to tell.
It just really brought me back down to earth. With all the clothes that I bought yesterday, and stupid arguments with people, and what makeup I'm wearing, or what kind of shoes I have. None of those things matter. And just talking with her. I have no words for it. She's a genuinly nice, sincere, and honest person.

And she gave me kissing angels. A boy angel and a girl angel that she made out of ceramics, and painted by hand. She made them before her son was grown up, and while she still lived walking distance from my mother. They're the cutest, most beautiful things. It is now my favorite thing anyone has ever given me. They're adorable. They just stand right accross from eachother with kisses on their faces. I love them, absolutely.

And yes, they are christmas decorations, but that doesnt mean I cant leave them out all year round. :)

I want to start over.

I'm listening to songs by a girl who graduated from my highschool last year.
I barely knew her, but her songs made me cry.
In the yearbook, she was voted most likely to become famous.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=180319723
Seriously, her voice is amazing.

Seem like highschool was quite an experience for her.
I wish I could say that about me. But its so empty. And I havent met any great people and made life long friends. I'm ready to change that. To be who I want. I have to be open and out going. I'm working on it... I feel like I've been missing out on something.

Yesterday after my haircut, I was crying because I didnt want to change so much that people couldnt recognize me. But now I think maybe I do.
Thats my reality. I want to change, and find out who I am. Everything now, going through the motions, that is the distraction. Its whats stopping me. All those useless friends, old problems, old insecurities. I'm letting go of it all.

Goodnight <3

January, carry me away to something better, somthing warmer, something higher, something brighter

I had beautiful words in my head this morning. But I cant remember them. And I dont remember what they were exactly about. But I thought that I should write them down. But I didnt, and I dont know if I regret it or not.
I think I should write more. I signed up for a literature of decisions class, and a writing workshop for next year, my junior year. And I'm really interested in the lit of decisions class. Its like philosophy, and discussing important topics and issues in nthe world, and life. I think it would be good for me. I want to be someone who has meaningful opinions, and I want to be capable of influencing other people. And I'd like to be remembered as a girl who wasnt afraid.


I read this in my horoscope (I'm a scorpio):
You have the magic to light up the dark, but sometimes you would benefit by looking at the positive side of things rather than going into the darkness at all.

I do, I have the ability to figure out what is wrong. But the problem is that it doesnt help me forget about it...

Wellllll I have things to do (:

Shitty day.

You know how those girls on americas next top model cry when they dont like their new haircut?
Well I could totally relate to them a couple minutes ago.
But I'm not going to get into that.

My house smells horrible. My dad tried to clean the carpets, and apparently it smells bad when you do that. Plus he decides to clean the litter box and cook after that.
My day was shitty enough without getting my bangs cut on the wrong side because I was too distracted to remember which side my part was on.
damnit.

how can you tell the difference between a shooting star and a satelite?

I was thinking too much last night. I only had 3 hours of sleep, on top of and oral presentation in english class, a fight with my dad this morning, and dealing with my closed minded friends.


Last night, I figured out that I used him as a distraction from the rest of my life. To mke me forget about everything else that I couldnt handle. Didnt think I could handle. I should have known that I was strong enough to handle the truth. That I am strong enough. And I dont need distractions. That dream is over now, And I prefer to live in reality.

But I'm warning you, we're growing up.

Boys. are. stupid. I realized that I dont know him anymore. And I shouldnt be so quick to forgive him for everything. He has always been so stupid, and he is like, a pathological liar.
I have no reason to believe him. And I am done writing about this.

I'm pretty content right now, just watching the O.C.
I'm going to my dad's later today.
But I'm alright for now, I'm okay.

Promises.

I was just thinking about how it was weird how that boy wanted to get back in touch with me again. But then I realized something that made me smile.
A really long time ago, he promised me that we would never be the kind of people who drift apart and stop talking. And He kept that promise, even though I continually tried to shut him out. And I think that's respectable that he would try to keep a promise like that. I think I should apologize. And if it ends up being not worth it, thats a mistake I'll have to live with.

Sometimes we put up walls, not to shut people out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down.

Maybe he's been trying to find who he used to be too. Before all this. Maybe we have more in common than we know. The distance doesn't help. I wont do it again.

Yesterday, I heard his song on my favorite show. It made me realize that I gave him nothing to remember me by. But he gave me so much to remember. And then i realized that there was almost no chance I would ever see or talk to him again. But I was wrong.

I'm still going to keep my life moving along. I wont turn around my entire life for one person ever again.

I've noticed recently that I've been looking to define things. But I understand that sometimes things don't have a specific definition, and can mean different things to different people. And somethings are just incomprehensible.

I've packed a change of clothes and its time to move on...

So recently I've learned that people constantly change. Our opinions change, our personalities change, our interests change, our attitudes change. And that is like a part of life I guess, because if everyone always stayed the same how bring would that be?
And I've let go of some things in the past few days. Things I had been holding on to for way too long. And I've accepted that those things are in the past, and they are not coming back. And I've realized that I cant shut someone out of my life, when they will always be important to me.
I'm done being haunted by old promises. And I'm ready to start something new.

I'm beginning not to care what people think of me. And it seems so much easier now for me to be myself, and think with an open mind, and expand my thoughts.

And I think I'm happy, as of right now. But take into consideration that I'm a teenage girl, and that could change at any given moment. :)

if theres nothing left to lose then theres everything to gain.

I got in touch with an old friend today. well, ex-boyfriend.
He wanted us to start talking again.
The last time we spoke... he had said the same thing, and then went on to very obviously flirt with me. And then hurt me. It was an interesting conversation, and hurtful.
But I think he meant it now. Its about time we were both honest.
Well anyway we had a nice conversation. Well.... nice-ish.

And I know that he is not the one for me. And I wont let him fool me again.
I will be polite, and honest, but I will not be in love. No matter what words he builds me up with, if he tries.

Oh, I also had a snowday today. I slept in till noon. It was awesome (:
I have school tomorrow though, and I probabaly should be asleep by now.
But I'm watching a walk to remember and the notebook. they're both on tv, and I'm flipping back and forth.

Well, I have nothing left to say, so goodnight.

Blinding

stay warm<3

Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.~ Mary Anne Roadmacher-Hershey

I used to think maturity was overrated.

but what really defines being mature?
Because I think I am more mature than I was a few years ago.
I think its defined by experience and knowledge and knowing right from wrong and making decisions and being happy and learning about yourself and from your mistakes and learning how to care for someone else and taking responsibiliy, but without taking things too seriously.
How would you define it?

I'm trying to just live. Just take things as they come, without falling behind.
My step sister suanne is like that, I believe. I've only spent a couple days with her, since she lives in florida and I'm in new york. But I look up to her a lot. She has four kids, and she handles them perfectly. When I was there with my sister we drove to a beach (all 7 of us) and she had the windows down and the radio on and her hair let loose and she was smiling. And now that I think about it, that was a really happy moment for me. Thinking about how great it was to feel so free right then, and relaxed and happy. And how I wished I could stay there forever. In the florida weather, with her attitude influencing me, and it seemed like everyone could feel that happiness radiating from her. And yes, she has made mistakes in her life. But she has found a way to be happy, and she knows what she values, and I aspire to be like that, to have that attitude about life. And my stepdad was telling me after we left her house how she spends her free time on the computer, and talking to her friends, instead of making her house super clean and perfect, and hovering her children. And how he was not proud to speak of her mistakes. Well the last part I could understand, but I think that he does not need to explain her mistakes to everyone, just so he can say he is not proud. I am proud of her for finding herself, and being brave, and strong. And I think that if she doesnt feel like cleaning her house, then she doesnt have to. It looked fine to me, and maybe the imperfection was comfortable. And I think she is an amazing mother. And I hope to be like her. Radiant and happy and living in the moment.

I'm almost failing spanish. Most of my teachers are... Well they really suck, for lack of a better term. And I'm normally good in spanish. I aced it all last year. And now my teacher is telling me I have less than a 70 in my class. ... She really is a bitch. I'm sorry, but its true. I have never met a teacher that I disliked as much as this. The whole point of having a teacher is so she can teach. A lot of the teachers I have this year expect us to just learn the material ourselves. And my math teacher actually told the class that "in college you will not have classes like this, you have to do most of the learning yourself". Well, helloo this is 10th grade geometry and I'm not in college, so how about you start teaching me. And my Bio teacher basically had a temper tantrum in class today. I'm talking like, screaming, storming out of the room, slamming doors..
And now I have a shitload of homework and projects and studying to do, and I havent started any of it. And I think I'm procrastinating right now. And I'm about to get really stressed, I can tell. It seems like it will never end.

'You'd like to think that you were invincible. Yeah well, weren't we all once?

I had a good day. I didnt do any homework, because honestly I didnt feel like it. I have a studyhall tomorrow. I'll get it done.
I watched one tree hill tonight and it made me cry. It usually does..
I watched secret life of the american teenager too. the new season was today. I remember over the summer me and me 3 best friends used to have 'SLOTAT' parties where we would all sleepover and watch it.
I personally think that the show is pretty stupid. I mean, I dont hate it, but it doesnt seem very realistic to me.
But I still watch it. Maybe because my friends do.

Happy

Interesting day. I'm still happy because of the 90s music weekend. (I'm listenin to cant touch this by MC hammer).
I'm having a good day. And I really want to watch a walk to remember.
I have nothing else to write, (:

90s throw back weekend (:

so right now I'm drinking tea and listening to 90s jams. The radio station is doing a 90s throw back weekend. That pretty much made my day, along with spending time with an old friend.
90s throwback reminds me of summer. And right now, I'm not wishing to go back. I'm wishing to be happy tomorrow. And tomorrows after that.
Its midnight. And I'm hoping this year doesnt go in a complete circle, like the last one. I'm hoping it only goes forward. That is the only way I want to go.

New day, New year

well, to start off, Happy new year (:
my new year went okay. I had a sleepover with one of my best friends who i havent spent time with in forever.
I like how I use the word forever so easily. When really, the meaning of it is so much greater than how i say it. Maybe thats the way alot of people use it. And really, dont we just wish that forever was that simple?

I think I'm going to change my resolution this year to talk more, listen better, open up to people, dont over think it.
....let's see if I can remember that one...

I'm supposed to be watching my baby brother right now, but he's in the other room watching toy story 2 and wont have anything to do with me. I'm kind of happy that I had to watch him though. It got me awake at a decent hour, and at least I'm doing something.

new years eve, I was thinking so much about my friends parents. Probably because my best friend's parents drove me to a new years party that we were all going to. And I forgot what it was like to be in a car with a happily married couple. They talked so easily with eachother. They just fit together. And I realized that caitlin had no idea what I would give to grow up with her parents. And that she has no idea how lucky she is. And it was so nice to hear them talking about old stories from when they were dating.
I think I'm starting to believe in love.
I cant honestly say that I've been In love.

What's your definition of love?
What do you think it is?

Answer me in a comment?
I'm open for anything and anyone, honestly.