Snow Globes and Music Boxes.

Christmas is what I see?
Then christmas is a second grader drawing a sun on my hand with purple marker.
Playing 'are you smarter than a 5th grader?'
Hiding brustle sprouts. Remembering things.
"It's just a hard christmas this year" he said.
I had never seen him cry before.
Nobody ever wants to sing on rockband.

Sometime around midnight

Someone always cries on Christmas.
But It's frustrating to me how I am supposed to ignore it and just pretend, because it's christmas.
Theres always an excuse for why we shouldnt deal with something sad.
He cried that evening and fell into his own arms. All I could do was watch.

And this morning they argued with me. I think if they were really as happy as they act they wouldnt argue at the slightest notion.

And my grandmother used to come every christmas morning. Remember when we got that Dream Street CD? Our family room used to look so big.
One single couch and a christmas tree, the only furniture. Fresh white carpet, new white walls. Mom was never big on color. Wrapping paper and pine needles, because we used to get a real tree. Boy bands blasting and cart-wheels and snow falling out the window as the sky grew darker and colder. But it was warm inside and there was no school for a while. That was all that mattered. We used to have christmas at our house. Unfortunately, it was built on a broken bond.

At dinner today, we said grace and she was thinking of Uncle Gene. I think everyone could tell.
She didnt say much, but it meant alot. Sometimes words fail. I think maybe that's love.

The difference between my two holidays is that some people care and some people only care about "making conversation".

You are not my looking glass.

The problem with my mother and I is that neither of us responds the way the other one wants.
And the only reason she worried about me getting out of bed on those lonely days was because she wanted some control over something. And she needed a babysitter.
I can see that.
And the reason your back hurts so much is because you put too much pressure on your heals when you walk. Your footsteps are loud and heavy. I can hear your anger coming down the stairs. You're voice barely masques it. The way you carry yourself emits your bitterness. Stiff, as if that will keep the pain from pouring out. But no, it leaks with every word you speak to me. And until you recognize it, it will just continue to burn you. Incessant in your ignorance. And Someday when you need me, I will not treat you like a joke. Because none of this is funny.

"But our lives are not our own. We should give them away. God is still in the business of redemption"

This is true.
What good is my life if nothing comes out of it for anyone else?
And all that time I was alone, who's to say if I really existed in those moments?
All that time. When Almost nothing was worth getting out of bed for.
And Nothing was worth talking about. No one worth talking to.
Nothing was worth seeing or doing.
Was any of it real?
Was I really all alone?


"Here, small things mean more than they should.
People get angry when they have nothing,
And I can never seem to find the time to figure it all out.
Wake up.
It's Worth it."
-8/22/09

It's strange how we fight for change only to notice how everything else remains the same.

Angel, you sing about beautiful things.

Tomorrow we'll sing joy to the world.

Do you remember I love you?

the buttereflies in my stomach... I think they've forgotten how to fly.

I wish I could go back to when that picture was fresh.
Before we had gotten so stale.

I dont like when people talk "just to make conversation".
I would rather talk because I have something to say.

These words become over used

What I regret the most is not letting myself fall in love with you.
But I'm happy you're happy.
I'm getting there.

And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men

Bitterness runs in my family.
But I know that I am a mighty hero of faith.
And so are they, they just dont know it.

Her seatbelt is off before we even turn onto our street.
I am invisible in the passenger seat.
Her mind is somewhere else. Hours ahead.
And this moment means nothing to her.
I mean nothing to her.
And that's no way to live.

I am going to slow down and remember what my life looks like.
I will make is something I am proud of and happy with.

Sooner surrender

I am unsure.
When I look inside my soul I see uncertainty and fear and pain.
I also see that I am strong, caring, open minded, smart, beautiful, and talented.
And I may not understand all of it, but I will take it with me.
I've been keeping old wounds for too long now.

Talk like an open book

I have this unsettling feeling in my stomach.
It's so unecessary.
I'm sickening myself with the repetition of this life.
How many other people will wake up tomorrow morning,
and do the same thing they did yesterdady?

I know too many people who are unhappy and unwilling to change.
Too many people who are going too fast.

And I just want to slow down and ask you how you're doing,
And it would be nice if i didnt get a summarized answer.
If maybe you used your words to just communicate instead of beg for attention.
Maybe you could just ask me what I think.

Remember I was on the oceanside.
I could have gone anywhere from there.
But now I have limited choices.
Colliding with time.
Which doesnt even exist outside our minds.

I want to be somewhere unfamiliar.
And I want to be there fearlessly.
God will help me get there.

"with my cup of coffee, and all those caring people..."

I like when you're talking to someone and they ask you questions and they listen to the answer.
And when someone says Good Morning, they mean it.

17

I was talking to my friend about religion today.
It made me think about God and the last time I watched the news.

I think maybe Selfishness is a gift. It might hurt too much if all we cared about was other people. We would feel too happy and too sad. And someone once told me that the world isnt built on extremes.

Just be Ok.

It's ok to say things that other people are afraid to speak, afraid to hear.
Its ok its ok. To be sad and close to giving up. Dont be ashamed of it.
Its ok to be weird and akward and have bad days.
Because what are we, but undefined.

This song is stuck in my head.
"keep dreaming in colors and then open your eyes. See the moon light. Dont forget you're alive."

4:00 AM

Sweatshirts and Dave Mathews songs.
Calmness and dancing and Why I am.
Yearbooks and stories in progress and Bigger problems.
Bagels and Quiet people.
Wanting more.
Being Here.

If only I thought of the right words

Pie. Family Guy. Too much coffee. Forgiveness. Patience. Fresh Starts. Fears. Confidence. Company.

This is good. This is happy. I get a taste of it every once and a while.
But I always have to go back to what I'm afraid of.
It's difficult to care sometimes.
But we show it the best we can.

Dreams

There is a dream I have where I dont know who I am or where I am.
And nothing matters except that I simply am.
I awake with a cold sweat feeling calm before I remember things.

The thing is, that I have the freedom within me to leave everything and say anything and change as much as I want. The only thing keeping me here is my fear.

In the morning I will be brand new.

Smile Like You Mean It

Warmer memories come back with this song.
In those moments, I was not happy.
Because I knew it was only temporary,
Before I returned to what I was afraid of.
And not much has changed since then.
Not much. Not much.
is what we will become if we go on being afraid.


Love is learned and Fear is overcome.
Speak.
Speak.
Nothing can define you.
I will not be afraid of being undefined.

Unexpected places.

I am so excited for thanksgiving.
And people and christmas trees.
I dont know what, but there is something so quiet and charming about christmas trees.
In a house that seemed empty of faith, these beautiful lights stood in the corner reminding me that beauty and peace can exist in the most unexpected places.

For faith love and hope.

"There is freedom within you" he said today.
And I understood why she cried.
And why all those people sang.

I will not be afraid anymore.

Like you were just a wish that could turn out well.

I let myself become nothing.
But we are not meant to waste out lives.
Faith without works is dead.
This is not a coincidence.
"I will not quit"

Today was complete with God and coffee, fast food, fast cars, and people who care.
And it's what I've been looking for.
But this is the process, and it's only the beginning.
There are no coincidences.
I will not quit.

If only time flew like a dove

"I cant force these eyes to see the end"

I went to church today. I really liked it too.
Embrace the pain.
Challenge all of your excuses.
Work harder than everyone else.
Be a person of honor.
Make your own miracle.
God has given everyone the choice of free will.
I'm sorry if anyone has ever used their free will to do something hurtful to you.
"I'm sorry" he said.
And that meant alot to me.

I was feeling so good.
New and french vanilla. Happy and talkative. Comfortable for once.

And then I was angry.
So hurt and disrespected and confined and suffoacted and furious and pained.
It overflowed.
They're going to say they're "sorry" im upset.
It doesnt mean as much.
It's empty.

And it is just so sad.
How the people who are close to me are so empty.
And I dont know how to make them full again.
I dont know if its up to me at all.
But I want to feel.

Million miles away, in the Big sky

All the lights that used to be pretty, but now just seemed large and far away.

You dont really know happiness until you know saddness.

What are you so afraid of?

I have heard that its all real.
But I have not brought myself to believe.
But I want to.
I dont want to be scared anymore.

And I was reminded of all this last night when I heard a song.
I have a link to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgeUrD4MHI
But it really was better seeing it in person.
And knowing who was singing it and seeing how they felt.
And wanting to feel that way.

I want to love with all I am.
And it sounds simple but its really hard.
Or atleast, it's hard at first. For me.
For the people playing the song last night,
it seemed like the easiest, most simple thing in the world.


I wish I had more time to write, but I heard that song at a fundraiser for this organization called Love 146. And you really should go to their website. It would mean alot.
http://www.love146.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=21772

Note to self:

You are fine.
No, you are great.
Stop wondering what is wrong with you.
Because that is your only problem.
Change is not your enemy.
You are beautiful no matter what.
Don't be ashamed of yourself.

You already know how to be alone.
Discover how to be in love.
Fearlessly.

What happens

I suppose that once we decide something is over it will never be the same.
Even if we change our minds.

I used to dance so beautifully.
It came naturally and it felt right.
And I was sure of it.

All I want is to be sure again.

Suburbia and a sunrise.

And there are times when it seems like the only thing that's changed is my mind.
But it really doesnt matter wether or not I loved him.
Or wether or not I still do.
We are going on wether or not.
I'd rather be worry free.

Better

Remember that night.
I was surrounded all alone.
They suffocated me.
I danced in the street.

And it felt good and stupid and pointless and meaningful.
Better than nothing.
Now I lose track of the days.
And not in the good way.

A good song was playing and I danced.
I wish it were still that simple.

I danced alone.
Because I am alone.
And that's okay sometimes.

Screams.

Its all changing.
It's hard for me to balance
living and thinking about living.
And breathing. Breathing.

Reality

Reality is an illusion.
Because I am what I want and that changes constantly but I am still the same.
And that makes sense if you dont think about it.

You finally found the courage to let it all go...

I am making a christmas list.
I want lots of art things.
And Music things.
I not sure if im going to like those things. But I think I might.
And I want to.

I'd like to figure out what I am.
Because I think of all my friends who know who they are and what theyre doing.
And I think they are so strong because they are sure. Definite and permanent.
But I know for a fact, I'm not permanent.
Maybe my thing is that im always changing and wishing I wasnt and trying not to but not being able to help it.
That is a long title and I dont like it.

Bittersweet. As always.

How do you break up with someone who wont even bother talking to you?
Oh my petty teenage problems.
I'm glad I know what I deserve.
And this is not it.
Especially on my fucking birthday.

I am grateful for friends who make me fun-fetti birthday cakes.
For heaters on school buses. and phones.
For yearbooks and favorite songs and conversation and memories.
And inside jokes.
For long distance family and friends.
Patience and words and honesty.

I have felt a spectrum of emotions today.
And I sit here feeling.
I do what I have to.

Everything's not lost

I am happy. Because I can be. And I should be.

You and I will have a talk tomorrow... But no matter what the outcome, I will find a way to be happy. Because my happiness does not depend on wether or not everything goes according to my plan. Infact, I dont believe my happiness is rational at all. But I feel ok and that's all that matters now.

"Give me truth; Cheat me by no illusion."

I think its because you didnt know me well enough
to wonder if something was wrong that day.
Because I could have told you everything.
Or maybe you just didnt care.
And that part doesnt bother me, because its the truth and I can accept that.
It hurts that you might be lying to me,
That you dont think I deserve to know the truth.
Which I do. I deserve that much.

We dont bring out the best in eachother the way I wish we could.

Spin

I want to stop standing still.
But right now I am only wishing everything around me would go by.
I only realize how much time I waste after it's too late.
Flying is more interesting then just floating.
I'd rather be passionate than content.
I dont need security. I need inspiration.

I try to realize my size...

Simple people make things complicated.
I am done worrying now.
Because I've thought about the complexity we've created,
and I simply don't wish to care tonight.

Ruins

As much as I would like to say It doesnt get to me...
It ruins me.
And I'm left to ask myself, "Who am I?"
Who am I now?

Be Ok.

It's strange how living rooms turn into battle fields.
How birthdays become emergencies.
And everyone wants to move forward, but no one is willing to change.


Its all out of my control.

Quiet.

I Matter. What I say and what I think Matter.
I am capable of doing things that are meaningful.
You can continue to suffocate me.
I couldnt breathe to begin with.

I can use as many words as I want.
But you have no respect for it at all.
The look in your eyes says its already obsolete.

And I am always waiting, waiting. To be free someday.
But when is that, if all we have is now?

"we accept the love we think we deserve"

I never want to settle.

I am so cold when I'm alone.
You are not the sun, but you are warm enough.
I really didnt expect perfection, did I?

This is what we're up against...

It didnt make me sad to hear about the cancer.
Because I thought you were strong.
You have a supportive family and friends.
I Wish I could tell you that this is still your life.
You may not be able to control this disease, but you can still control how you feel about it.
Being bitter about it only makes you weaker.

And it didnt hurt so much to see you battling this.
It hurts much more to see you let it win.

"Keep breathing, my Angel"

I always knew we were meant to exist this way.
And I am scared. But all I have is now.
We are meant to bring out the best in eachother.
There is no other definition of love.

"it's like forgetting the words to your favorite song..."

I feel like this should be easy.
And it's not.
I like to be independent, and maybe I've just grown too used to it.
This isnt what I hoped it would be.
But there is still room for change.

Dear Old Friend,

The part of me that cried for you hasnt died.
It just realized it was time to wake up and wash the tears away.
And I'm glad it did.

Bittersweet...

In my experience, good and bad balance eachother out.
Maybe perfection is just a state of mind. A state of ignorance.
Because nothing is ever completely good.

Because things are changing. And Hope is an attractive quality.

"Who can say if I have changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have changed for good."

Dont think too much about it.
Remember, the best things come when you are looking somewhere else.
I stop remembering, but I dont forget.
The truth.

beginning

And for once I cant sleep because of something good.
Because I'm so happy.
It's never been like this.
I feel like I can say anything, and it would be true.
You make me feel more than invincible.
And I am putting this feeling down so I dont forget what its like.
Its the beginning.

Cliche

My life is a startling combination of highs and lows.
We go from rock bottom to the moon in a matter of minutes.
We're easily amused, forgotten, and remembered again.
And if there's a good song playing on the radio, that might just make everything okay.

Lullabies..

I feel so infinite.
And that is just so bittersweet.

Lost

I spend most of my time being lost.
Life always catches up with me when I'm looking in the other direction.

'Living by the hour, I stop for every flower'

We're just kids.
You put on your cologne, i'll put on my make up.
Because that's just what we do.
And it makes sense.

There were stars out tonight.
But I paid no attention to them.
They make me feel small,
But tonight I felt real.
I am new and this is real.
And it maybe wont last forever.
But it's lasted this long.

Possibility

I dont want to pick a career.
I hate the idea of devoting my life to only one thing. One field, one general area.
Because I want to do everything.
I like having so many options.
I like being so full of potential.
Maybe I'm scared the world wont be what I expect.
Maybe I'll go to college for ever until I've studied everything I could possibly want to.
Maybe I'll skip college all together and travel all over and learn for myself. Maybe I wont let someone else tell me what I know simply because they have a degree on a silly piece of paper.
I'll will make my way to all different places.
I am afraid but that isnt going to stop me.

Cold places.

Silence. Because its far too late for words to make up for what we've lost.
Screaming because your angry at me for wanting what you cannot give me.
Screaming because I already know how to be afraid. I do not need another example.
But that's all that's left of you now.

This room wont let me breathe.
Its shaded and full of things that arent mine.
Its not my home.
There are too many wrong memories for that.
But I am here and I am alive.

Foliage

We change like the leaves.
Some grow
Some die
Some stay through the cold.
Some fall away.

And I dont know why.
But I do know that there is beauty in the changes.

because people deserve freedom.

http://www.parentdish.com/2009/09/29/author-urges-parents-to-quit-hovering/?icid=mainmaindl3link3http%3A%2F%2Fwww.parentdish.com%2F2009%2F09%2F29%2Fauthor-urges-parents-to-quit-hovering%2F

fyi: I am not a parent, i just found this while i was checking my mail on aol and thouught it was interesting.

"And in that moment I swear we were infinite"

Your still there.
Your still in the background.
We're not waiting around anymore.
But I'm still here and you're still there.
I take comfort in that.

And Maybe I wont say anything.
But I know that I could.
And I take comfort in that.

'Ignorance is your new best friend'

Any sentence beginning with 'I'm sorry but...' is not an apology.

Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes

What's even worse than having people treat you horribly is having people treat you horribly and knowing that you can have, and deserve better. Even so young. And to think that I have shown someone such pain by trying to save them in the first place. Save them from what I know would happen. What would end as silent and scared. What would be me.

But we have the courage to speak.
And maybe thats not enough. But it's something.

And she leaves
Because now I am able to have the last word.
And that scares her.

Free

My breath runs free.
I act without thinking.
I think without acting.

Awake on the east coast.

I want to be back on the beach.
Under the stars. Under the sun.
Touching the ocean, pulling my heart out to sea.
Cold and unfeeling.
Shivering and alive.
I was far far away from everything that was hurting me.
And being so close to the sky and the water
took my tears away and left me with this beauty before my eyes.

Hope and dissapointment

We are not a family,
We simple live together and use eachother whenever we need something.
Our words fail to say what we mean.
And I just want to know the story, of the pictures and the records.
But all you say are the bitter empty places they lead to.
Tell me that greasy boy in the photo album taught you so much about yourself.
That people were missing in some pictures where they should have been,
but that things can change. We're all capable of changing.
Tell me you have faith.
And mean it.
It isnt about you anymore.
Its about growth and truth.

And I was there to listen to your story.
But it seems you dont even care enough to let me in.

Gone

Your screaming loud at me,
This house quivers underneath your rage.
These walls shake on the inside.
But my bones withstand all you say
Everything that should shatter me like glass.

I'm wishing for you to replay this in your head tonight
Before you fall asleep.
And be sorry.
That I'm not yours anymore.
Fear can't control those who are fearless.
And I walk away.

do we rush through life forgetting to breathe?

For me, I dont define people by what society names them.
My mom is the president of her work union, people respect her.
People respect her simply because she has authority over them.
But she takes advantage of that. I hear her speak to people on the phone and in person.
She gossips and argues and doesnt even bother to listen long enough.
Her tone is urgent and stubborn and angry and tired.
And if anyone she works with knew her as well as I do, they would be ready to jump off a bridge.
Everyone should know that respect has nothing to do with having control. It has nothing to do with fear.

I have respect for people who are generous and gentle and patient, honest responsible and polite. People who offer guidance and comfort to fear and confinement. Instead of the opposite.
The strange thing about my life is that my childhood wasn't filled with pain. But I didnt grow up with happiness either. It was basically gray and meaningless. My parents always sent mixed signals. And they still do. I was put down for so many things I came to the conclusion that I should just be silent and invisible. I'm not saying I was neglected or emotionally abused, i just wasnt taken care of properly. My parents gave me attention, but only when they wanted it in return. I never really got a chance to thrive. And when you're living like you're not alive, things stop being real. Things stop being important. And that is the problem. Nothing was important.

I've always had trouble talking and communicating with people. If someone would strike up a conversation with me I would never know what to say, or how to listen. I would close myself off, which is only "cute" until a certain age. I think because my parents never actually had conversations with me. They would ask questions they already knew the answers to. I never got a chance to say anything for myself. But it didnt bother me then, because it wasnt important. It didnt feel real enough. Now that I think of it, my parents never really had conversations with eachother. Not about things that really mattered anyway. Conversations and arguments are one and the same in this family. I want to change that so bad.

Broken

At first I was angry. I was so angry. And then I was sad. And then scared. And now I'm hovering in this place between fear and fury and insecurity and sleep. And I just want to sleep and dream of nothing. Because its safe there. I find safety in in the static and blur of a dream where I am nothing. I see nothing, I hear feel and sense nothing. And Maybe that is what it feels like to die. Peaceful and safe. So in the end, we all are safe.
Or maybe this is just my way of hiding. But what am I hiding from?
Knowing that sometimes I cant change what is wrong. That it's not up to me. That it's not that easy, not that simple.
The fact that I am scared beyond belief to love, to live.
And I think I need to talk to someone again.
Like a psychologist. again, but this time I want help. And I will trust this time.
I will talk, but I need help with figuring out where to begin.
I am just finding out that I have so much to say. And that there are people willing to listen.
My story needs to be heard. From beginning to end. And I need help with the details. With remembering. With getting it all out. I am strong enough. I will take the steps to make things better. Now all I need is time.

To Write Love on Her Arms

"Consider the air in your lungs. It will be gone one day, and these chapters will close. If i had to guess, i would say you're early in your story. There is still a lot of time for hope to happen, for change to find you, for love and beauty and truth and songs you haven't even heard yet.

Take a moment tonight and remember the best of your story. And if it feels like there's too many ugly pages, then please know that you are free to be honest, that you were meant to be honest, that we all need that - we need people and places where we can say those things, where we can begin to understand, where we can begin to let go... It's okay to be honest.

i've been obsessed with The Fray's new single "You Found Me" for the last week, playing it for everyone, making them listen. i think it's the honesty... The song is basically a conversation with God, the things you're not supposed to say: Guy runs into God and asks Him where the heck He's been. God says "Ask anything."He asks "Where were you when everything was falling apart?"i am full-blown in love with the bridge, beyond explanation. All i know is that it's been moving some things around in me. He sings this with urgency:"Early morning, the city breaks, i've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve..."Whoa. You're not supposed to talk to God like that... right?Or maybe God can handle it. Maybe God can handle my pain and my questions. Maybe God would prefer the most honest version of me. " -Jamie Tworkowski

I just thought I would share this. Because the truth is sometimes the pain weighs out the prize, and we're angry and ugly and broken. But there is enough space in all of us for hope, even if when we may not realize it. Have faith. Its worth the fear and uncertainty, because in all honesty things are going to get better, trust me.

"You are going to move through this.
More importantly, I love you. YOU ARE GOING TO MOVE THROUGH THIS.Don't be defeated. Submit yourself to the process. You are growing. You are changing. You are doing LIFE. I am not trying to make you feel better. This fucking hurts, and there are no two ways around it.But I am trying to encourage you to not retreat. I can't remove the pain, but I am going to hold your hand while it hurts.Continue to reach out. You need people right now.I'm here for anything you need.You are LOVED in ways you cannot imagine. In ways that don't depend on you. In ways that don't depend on your performance. In ways that cannot be lost. Remember Remember Remember.Love you my friend.- Anonymous"

Faith.

My Lit. Decisions class had a discussion about God today.
Some people say God doesn't exist.
Some say He created man but doesnt offer any control.
And Some believe that there is a God.
And it gets into 'The purpose of life'.

I believe that God exists for guidance. He doesnt try to control us. Because God is good.
And 'What is the purpose of it all?' is what we were asked. 'Is it real?'
I thought about this really hard. Some people in class responded right away, but I couldnt find the right words to express what I thought just yet.
My response to this is It might be real, or it might not be. Maybe we do have a purpose, maybe we dont. Either way we still exist. I still believe I am alive and here, so why not do something good with my life. Wether or not there is a purpose to life, life still exists. And maybe we werent meant to know the purpose, because maybe then we wouldnt try so hard to live, if alot of time is spent looking for a purpose. It doesnt hurt to try. The alternative would be to waste away and realize that you had your purpose and it was real but you didnt live up to any of it. And the worst that could come of trying would be death, if death is even real, or if we are even real, If anything is real, if things are really what they seem.
And yes, I look to God for guidance when I try to live this thing we call life in this place we call the universe reguardless of the possibility that it may not even be real at all. I believe this is what faith is. The belief that we are supposed to be living up to our full potential even if we dont know why, but simply because we can. Despite our worries and doubts. We go on.

Lets start a riot, me and you

I dont regret anything I said.
Because I am who I am now, and this is how it is.
I dont know how we feel
But I know I dont mind it.
We are a part of something.
And that's better than nothing.
Better than being alone.
Because we're lost together all at once.
And I have you to talk to.
Again.

'this life is more than just a read through'

And you gave up on me.
But you dont see how I'm waking up every morning brand new.
And being weathered away by the day.
In the morning I'll be brand new.
Dont you worry.
You can just pretend that time isnt passing by us.
But maybe I wont be there when you wake up from this dream.
Maybe.

And if it would kill me to lose you, then I think that part of me was meant to die.

The part of me that cries for you.

But I will always be
the one who wishes to be permanent.
Wishes to be free.
I will be these things someday.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance. "

street lights

And I'll dance if I feel like it.
But that doesnt mean I'm happy,
I just wont give up.
I'm not going to hurt you on purpose.
Because life is complicated enough without going to bed and waking up angry.


So I'm just not sleeping.

'I'm not a monster I believe...'

You never apologized for the right things.
Neither did I.
And I dont care anymore.
But I know that I used to,
and I will take that everywhere I go.
But right now all I want is for the sun to come up on the beach.
Because I've never seen that before.
Simple.

Not real enough.

You will never be what I want you to be.
I have to be stronger.
Strong enough to know that you are not real enough.
That you are a star that burned out but still lingers.
You hang in the sky,
But that doesnt mean I have to look.

Like a star

Laying under the stars, you say
is the best feeling in the world.
But not when you're alone.
Not when you're alone.

Because I dont need the stars to make me feel small.
I do that on my own.

Far away.
I love you like a star.
We can see them shine long after they burn out.
And I wanted to tell you how the clouds were on fire.
But you werent there.
Where have you been?

seventy/thirty

Because I am the one who loved more.
And I can remember all our conversations.
But cannot recall what you look like, or even the sound of your voice.
You're foreign to me. But my heart knows you like a secret.

Because

Because you make me feel invincible
and thats exactly what I think you are.
Because It would slowly kill me to lose you.
Because you deserve the best of me.

Me and gravity we never could agree

I just want a hand to hold.
To know that I'm not alone.
Because being around here is like I'm by myself
Except the silences are akward and the conversations fake.
And it makes me scared.
Drowning in an invisible ocean and the current is fighting to keep me deep below the surface where I cant feel a thing. But I have a fight of my own that I found at the bottom of it all.
Because I want it to be real.
Like the way the cold cuts through me.
And how the sun thickens me.
And the stars at night make everything so much smaller.
And how I wish you could see them. And together we could feel the weight of the world.
Like you promised me a long time ago. I believe you still.
Even though my eyes wouldnt recognize you if you walked over and sat down right next to me.
The closest I've come to love.
Why does the ocean at night remind me of you?

easy

Its easy to hate someone. Its easy to be cruel to someone you hate.
It would be difficult to stop. Even more difficult to love them.
If it were easy to love people, what would be the point?
Nothing worth having comes easily.

Hey lush have fun, It's the weekend.

Theres millions of songs that could tell you how I feel.
Song that say I miss you and about waiting and losing.
And no matter how many times I listen to them, it doesnt make a difference.
I waited too long and said too little.
Goodnight.

the facts.

All our apologies

Dont mean anything.

Nothing changes

Just because we're sorry.

Its time for me to move on.

Because even though I miss you

That doesnt change anything.

We were not meant to be

That all the odds were stacked against us

That we're not strong enough for this

And Yes care about you.

Speaking to you breaks my heart

Because I know that it wont change anything.

Almost.

Love is a funny sad thing.
I think it's sad because no matter what it will never be perfect.
And its so easy to lose yourself in love. In someone else.
In expectations and conversations and empty promises and judgemental comments.
And lies.
And love is blind.
And that is why I waited for him for so, so long.
I wore away day by day. Word by word. fear by fear. tear by tear.
Until I almost dissapeared.
My life seems to be full of 'almosts'

Looking back

Last time I saw you
it was like holding hands with a stranger.
And our words meant nothing then.
Because the truth was
I was holding hands with a stranger.
And no matter how much I wanted to trust you
I couldnt.

See you in the morning...

Why do we remember certain things from our childhood?
It makes me wonder what my 2 year old brother will remember.
Will he remember when I was crying in the car?
Or all the times my mom and his dad talk down to us.
Or the way I spoke to our sister the other day.
Or will he remember reading goodnight moon when I babysat?
I hope he doesnt remember crying hysterically in the bathtub tonight.
I hope he doesnt remember how it feels when our mother doesnt have patience with us.
I hope he doesnt remember being yelled at for no reason other than being a child.
Some people have the strength to block out bad memories.
I guess I'm not that strong.
Because everytime she makes him cry, I remember how it feels.
Every time she yells I remember feeling so embarrassed and scared and suffocated.
No one deserves to hurt like that, no matter what. Because it stays with you.

slow dizziness.

My room is quiet. Far away.
Calm dark rainy green peacecful.
The roof and the trees and the street.
Warmth and music.
I'm growing.
I want to be a dancer.

The last time

I've been gone for so long. I took a vacation in my own self pity.
My heart was asleep. A coma that I found my way out of.
My mistakes are wasted time. Gone.
We are not meant to be empty.
Love is learned.
Action.

I remember when you said I seemed unhappy.
As if It hurt you. I hurt you. I loved you.
You didnt ask me why. You told me the truth.
That was the last time.

Nobody here can live forever

The walls of my room are new and green and alive.
It reminds me of fourth of julys from a long time ago.
It hardly ever rained then.
I didnt appreciate the sun then.
Did anyone?

"Its 5 O'clock in the morning" she says. Like I've committed a crime by being awake.
In some places the sun would be coming up at this time.
But this house is crowded with trees. Covered in shade.
The sunrise would be burning pink in some places.
Places shes left behind for some new security.
Saftey under the shade. Painted so dark and thick.
And I sit here underneath it all. Heavy Sleepless.
Did it all get real enough?

Just old light.

My heart knew you like a secret.
Your name aloud would turn my stomach.
Now my heart remembers you like a twisted dream.
My head can hold composure and block the memories that flew butterflies in my body.
I can handle anything you dare to throw at me.
Your I love yous, your I'm sorrys. I read them and I'm done.
It's gone. We're over.
Its refreshing.

Watch me simplify it for you.

Anyone would go crazy like this. "Just tell me you're sorry"
Just say it. I cant take living like a show for everyone else.
Talking for attention. Losing control just to prove you could.
Your fake happiness with your dull worthless words.
Swallowed by enormous exaggerated laughs.
Your eyes are dark selfish plastic lies.
Lie to me.

Be true.
You want us to hurt as bad as you.
Deprive a child of real love respect life.
All the things you lack.
Where are you half the time?
Treat me with a lifetime of bitterness. Your scars.
What are you, a bully on the play ground?
Grow up.
Watch me simplify it for you.

Winning the argument is pointless.
Being nastier gives me no more respect for you than I had from the beginning.
Learn from me. Respect what I know.
I am not the new one.
Your arrogance is unwanted.
Where were you for her tears?
Invisible. Silent.
Angry. Regretful.
Pathetic.
You really think you saved us dont you?
Love saves. Not money.
Watch me simplify it for you.

Fake nice person.

I can tell when someone is trying too hard. I can tell when someone is being polite for the wrong reasons, not because they want to. So of course I'm going to try and see how far you'll take it. Of course I'm going to test it. Because I can call bullshit so easily. And you're full of it. I'm daring you to be real. Be a real nice person. But you're only capaple of being real angry. Real bitterness or fake nice. I'd rather have you at your worst as long as im not being lied to.

I guess your kind of truth is just the ghost of your lies. And I see through them all the time.

We only breathe for so long

I should have danced at your show. Maybe you would remember me.
Maybe anyone would remember me. I just have to tell myself "Get over it. They will talk."
Why is that so freaking hard?

Come what may

Okay, lets forget all our apologies. Lets focus on who we are now.
I am here and you are far away. I miss you and that doesnt matter.
If we really loved eachother we would have let go. Because love is not selfish.
For the longest time I thought you had taught me about love. But I learned just about everything that love is not.
Believing in you was a mistake. And theres nothing I can do about it anymore.
Wake up.

May angels lead you in

In his book Blue Like Jazz Donald Miller says "I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather to have us wasting time."
I also believe that this is true. But I also believe that most of the time, "getting into some sort of evil" is the same as wasting time.

...More apologies. I wrote you more apologies tonight. You deserve to know that I am sorry. But I can't help but wonder if maybe you're better off not knowing. You deserve to know. But maybe it's too late. I dont know. I just know that I am sorry for hurting you. But its all in the past now.

Be Ok.

I believe in imperfection. I believe we are all flawed and make mistakes and we need to be saved, or rescued. Forgiven. Like by God, who ever or what ever he is. But what if I'm ok with being flawed? Maybe it doesnt bother me so much. I mean, I like the idea of being saved. But I dont mind being a little bit lost either. Maybe I'm saying that I dont mind having a human experience. I want to live it fully, vividly, in detail. Maybe finding my way to be rescued along the way. I think what I'm saying might go along the lines of realism? but I'm not going to define it. Its just words.

Forever on the dance floor

http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/07/24/-wedding-entrance-video-forever-ever/?icid=mainmaindl2link3http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lemondrop.com%2F2009%2F07%2F24%2F-wedding-entrance-video-forever-ever%2F

If God were a person I bet he would be a great hip hop dancer.

The room the sun and the sky

Is your favorite song still dont wait by dashboard confessional?
Because I can understand why you like it so much.
I really hope things go well with your new girl.
Obviously, she sees how sincere you are. Where as I couldnt see you at all.
She can see your humor and your sweetness. I bet she brings out the best in you.
We should all be with someone who brings out the best in us.

Living with plastic souls, We are backseat lovers jumping out the window

Sometimes pain is indescribable. It just hurts.
And its funny how people can talk so much about nothing, just to fill up empty space.
But I guess that makes it easier.

We used to stay up late talking, but that was a long time ago.
And you were the one who first told me about this. You are part of my story.

and we are broken.

Faith and desire and the swing of your hips

People are people.
We need eachother.
Giving up is not an option...
We'll get through these times.
I'll get better, I promise.

And God must be a pretty big fan of today. Because you keep waking up to it.

Just have faith.

The glass can be half empty or half full. Either way, it's still missing half.

sweetest downfalls

Remember when we would walk down the street durring rain storms, just for fun?
We would run around barefoot and the neighbors thought we were crazy.
When did we become so different? So cold. So indifferent. So bitter.

Remember when we listened to brittney spears songs in my kitchen. And we werent hungry for attention, because we had all we needed. But now its different. Damaged. I'm sorry.

We used to be bulletproof. But now I am fading.

Thank You.

My next door neighbor was in Iraq for a few months.
I wonder how many people say 'thank you' to him.
I wonder how it must feel to go to parties and have people make uncomfortable conversations with you about sports and weather. Why cant they just say thank you?

Its like forgetting the words to your favorite song

I'm losing everything. And its all in my head.
Its all going to be okay.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can't believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can't remember
You try to feel the beat

Wake Up.

Things are not the way they should be, but I cant change them.
I have to work around that.
I have to follow my own advice and forgive, and breathe, and respect.
No matter what.
A fake smile is polite. And its easier for everyone.

This is not the first time they've forgotten about me.

Argue or leave are not your only choices when it comes to parenting.
I hope I can find a way to raise my kids when I grow up, that doesnt result in them crying on the bedroom floor.
And grounding me will just solve everything? tell me how is that going to make this better?
This is not a problem of my behavior. This is my problem with you.
I'm asking you to be different. And you can't even try. I cant even breathe.
And so you say its my fault, and then walk away. You've already given up a long time ago.

"and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her."

Jamie Tworkowski is the best writer I've ever heard of.
I first read his myspace blogs from To Write Love on Her arms when I was feeling awful one night.
They are full of hope and faith. And life.
And I suppose I felt the need to blog about this. Because everyone needs hope.
I dont know what else to say. I just dont feel like writing more. But you should click this link.
http://www.myspace.com/jamiewrites

I'm starting to believe the ocean's much like you, cause it gives and it takes away

In an earlier post a few months back I said that I missed when "people were who they were and we knew what we were doing. But I dont know who we are anymore."
And thats true, but I am learning. And thats basically what keeps everyone going. Learning.
And if we ever think we cant learn anymore, that's when we start to waste away.
And I think everyone loses themselves at some point. Because when you start to find yourself again it makes you appreciate being alive.


I'm listening to paramore's new song ignorance. Didnt paramore break up? oh well, I guess theyre back together. As long as theyre making good music, I'm happy (:
I have my heart set on ballet lessons. I want it to be a constant in my life, just like it used to be.
I'm pulling myself back together. Even though its taken a while. I have faith.

Funny the way it is...

He's the type of person who will listen to what you say just to throw it back at you when you least expect it. And I dont know why, but that makes me want to keep talking to make up for it. To find something that he cant judge me on, or to atleast call him on it.

The kind of person you dont want to have as an enemy.
He knows everything except how to care about someone.
Apologies are so cold on facebook messages. I know what this was about, but I'm scared of having my words so analyzed. I'm scared to talk. To him. Because I know him.

And I thought I was done with it, but I still have alot to say.

Stupid.

I thought I saw you today. I know thats crazy. But the guy I saw wasnt smiling, just like you didnt. And he wouldnt look at me for more than 2 seconds. Just like you wouldnt. And I wish I would have talked to him, to prove im not crazy. But I think I was scared, or maybe I just didnt care. Just another chance with us that slipped by.
But I wish you would call. Just so I would have the chance to tell you off without overthinking it and rearranging my words to sound nice. See how you react. All this tension built up, yet we never argue. You should hear what I have to say. I dont know if you are worth the breath or not. But It'll come out one way or another. Its not over. It never was. I want to tell you everything, against my better judgement. I want to make up for feeling nothing for so long. I want you to love me. I want you to hurt me. I'm sick of hurting myself. I guess I'm open to anything else. How pathetically screwed up is that?

But there's Hope.

Teenage.

If I'm supposed to be a child, then why are you rushing me to grow up?
If I'm a child then you cant really blame me for all of my actions, because part of that is because of you. I dont know any better, but thanks for not listening because that helps a bunch. Thanks for screaming in my face all my life because that gave me all the confidence I need. Thanks for being so condescending everytime I speak up. I'm sure I'll go really far because of that. And thanks for not caring when it was inconvenient for you. Because thats really what love is all about. Thanks for not teaching me anything, except how not to live. Thanks for not telling me that I could do great things, or ballet classes seem like a good idea, or I'm a good daughter, that your sorry.
Because I really did try to talk to you, but its never convenient for you to listen.
And what is that supposed to teach to a child? that my words arent worth hearing?
But I am not a child, and I know that that is wrong.
I'm growing up, and maybe someday you might listen to me.
But for now I'm stuck feeling awful, because do I really want to start a battle when its very likely I might not win? It might be worth it to keep my self respect. But I'm not sure I know how to be that strong. How do you fight someone who thinks they have total control over you? Control is not the equivalent to love. Its just not. And how do you care for someone who hurts you so many times, but thinks they can justify each and every one as the right thing to do. How do you fight someone you're supposed to love, but you just cant take it anymore?
It wasnt meant to be this way. Maybe its my turn to give up on you.

So I think I have another favorite movie...

Its called pump up the volume. Its from the 90s, I saw it on fuse today.
Yes, it is a teen movie but I think everyone can relate to it.
It basically comes down to knowing the difference between right and wrong. Life, death, community. Everyone can understand pain. Its real. So be it.

I also want to start taking ballet classes. again. I havent danced since I was 12. Which was only a few years ago, but I miss it. I kind of just quit without a second thought. But now I find myself going back to it. I try some stretches and poses that I remember every now and then. And I remember that I used to be able to do them perfectly. But most of all I miss having something that would make me forget about things. I recently discovered yoga and meditating and I realize that ballet was like meditation for me. The key to it is not to clear your mind of everything, but to let your thoughts flow through freely and just be ok with it. Its kind of peaceful. I'm googlingdance studios as I type this.

4th of July

Its cold in New York.
And people are funny.
How we go through the same things. And are more connected than we think.
And everyone changes. And you forget what fireworks used to mean to you.
And people are funny. Compassionate but corrupt.
"the fact that we have an enemy and we live in a broken world"
And everyone knew how I was growing up, but no one felt they could do anything about it.
Emotional abuse is just as bad as psysical.
Because it follows you.
Because she talks to us like we're nothing.
And I think that some people can only take so much of that in their life.
But arent I worth the effort?
When I said take care of us and clean up, I meant take care of yourself and clean up your life.
You can do better without her, so grow up. And I am worth trying for.


And you? I'm done caring about you now. finally.

We were so cold.

You're so sad. I bet you thought you would watch me grow up, make a ton of friends, go on my first date, my first love, first heart break.
But all that happened was I slowly dissapeared. And its not your fault. You had to work all those late nights. You had no idea I was wasting away.
How do I apologize for being so cold?
I'm sorry friend Kim is gone. She talked to me about school. I should have been nice. I should have set a good example for emma. I should have made you proud. But I was so cold. Thats the only way to describe it. I'm sorry.

What happens when I go away to florida for a week.

People change once they think they are permanent.
You treat me differently now that your my "step father" and not "my moms boyfriend".
But trust me, nothing is permanent.
You have to try with all you have if you want to mean something to someone, or to mean anything at all.
And dont judge how well I live my life. That is not your place to say anything no matter who you're married to.

Sometimes happiness is like a wish. If you say it it wont come true.
If you start listing the reasons why your so damn happy, it starts to seem like your trying too hard to make people think your happy. That youre actually not, that you actually want attention more than anything else. And dont ever call me your daughter. Because my father is nice to me and listens when I talk. And he spent his saturday mornings with me when I was little and going to ballet classes. He offers to buy me things out of sincerity and he does not ever talk down to me. No one should ever be spoken to the way you speak to me. I dont deserve it.

And Honestly, I think we could have done better than some cliche step dad story. I mean, do I really have to say out loud that you're not my father.

you know this life all too well.

Its a good thing we dont have school anymore. Because if we did I'd be afraid you would show up with a gun. I never said I hated you. I'm mad because you lied to me and you're not who I thought you were. I dont like you as a person. That's different from hate. I want you to stay away from her because shes my friend and you hurt her. Its not my fault if you're so bitter.

And I hate it how one minute we're talking about pregnancy scares, and the next we're talking about tv shows and cute boys. I think her ADD is kicking in.

Do you really not realize what you should be apologizing for?
Are you avoiding it, or are you really that stupid?!
You cant take advantage of other people, my God.
I really need sleep.

It's gonna be alright.

What if you had a baby? Would you get him in trouble for taking advantage of you like that? You would have to eat like normal people do. Pregnant. It happens. We would handle it. I wish I wasnt going away this week, and I wish my mother wasnt so strict, or I would be with you to buy the test, and wait with you while you waited for the answers. I would be a good friend, because thats all you've ever been for me and you deserve it.
But we dont even know now.

'When plans they change
And hearts like boats, they break
Some sail away
Chances take, and bridges burn
We swim beneath in poison water'

Happy Fathers Day

I spent the day with my dad today.
He has really good taste in music.
My mom always said he wasnt very into music, but she just never took the time to listen.
My dad went to a rolling stones concert in buffalo in the 70s.
He told me a story of the guy from CCR and his record deal.
It was a good day because we were happy and we were putting in effort to make it a good day.
But we should put in the same effort even when its not a holiday, even when we have to make dinner and do work. Because you dont just love someone when its convenient.

Seems like its been forever that you've been gone...

You make me wonder.
What did you feel as you pulled the trigger? Did you regret it as you walked away? Do you think about any of us here?
I realize that many of things that are wrong with this family cannot be blamed on you.
We were practically begging for a wake up call.
And it seems to me that we slept right through this one.
I think that everyone is too afraid to make up for lost time, to make apologies, to fix things.
They say we've "gotten over it pretty well" but there is no getting over with, theres only dealing with.
Were gunshots, a wheelchair, and many, many scars really not enough for us to realize that life is short? that people matter?
We've shed so many tears, but I'm still haunted.
This isnt a movie, where when its over you cry and then move on. This is real life, and sometimes the audience gets wrapped up and damaged, twisted and shaped. And most of the time you can't hide from whats playing out in front of you.

Well, I guess my point is that I'm awake now.

Summer (:

Turns out I made a big deal out of something obsolete.
I have a summer party tomorrow.
I'm going to florida next week.
Its taken me a while to figure out who is really worth my energy.
In fact, I'm still learning.

You dont always have to hold your head higher than your heart.

Lay your armor down

The songs I used to listen to are so beautiful.
You've obviously forgotten them, but theyre permanent to me.

Cause I've seen your act and I know all the facts, I'm still in love with who I wish you were.

So I basically failed a math exam today. Wonderful.
I knew what you were going to do and I let it happen.
Whatever, next time I'll know better.
Because there's always a next time with you. Even if its way too late.
You think we're 'all good' now because you threw out those stupid little compliments at me.
But that tension is still there, its only growing with time.
And eventually, I'll know what to say to you.

I wish you would have cared to ask about how my exam went.
Because I miss being able to always have you to tell things to.
And no matter what amount of time you dissapear for, when you show up theres so much I want to catch you up on, but you dont care and I end up telling you how much of a jerk you are.

And it just never ends, and I really need to let you go.
There is no in between, I'm still holding on even when I thought I wasnt.

"The proud man can learn humility, but he will be proud of it."- Mignon McLaughlin

Maybe you're right, I do know you pretty well.
You care way too much about how other people see you, and you think words can make up for everything. And I knew you were going to leave again and dissapear without warning.
Maybe I thought you would be permanent again. Maybe your stupid words got my hopes up.
And I wish I had the courage to tell you all this, but I'm pretty sure I have more respect than to give my honest opinion without it being asked or argued.

"Anything you lose automatically doubles in value."

So far out of touch.

Of course you think you havent changed. Because to you, everything is so permanent and you are always right and you're able control everything. But you can't tell me what I know. And you cant control the fact that last summer I threw out your bracelet. You dont realize how much you take me for granted. You dont know what I think of our relationship, you didnt even ask. You dont understand how sad I was for so long. You didnt even care to say goodbye to me in person. I afraid to tell you the truth, that I havent loved you for a while. And forever is unknown to me. I'm scared that you still hang onto those things we said, and I'm scared to tell you that I dont. I think maybe if you talked to me on more than a facebook message, you would understand. Like comversations that required you to listen and not just skim my words on the page. But maybe you're scared to do that. And now maybe this makes me a hypocrite for calling you judgemental because I just said all these things about you.

And of course I'll re-word all of this before I send it to you just so you dont get offended.
But it takes alot of energy to be nice to you, I'm not sure if I'm up for it.

And we carried on like long division

And so I decided to choose my words carefully and hope that they dont go to waste.
And I'll fall asleep to the rain, and wake up to the last day of sophmore year.
What I've learned this year: Things matter, and words are powerful. People change, go with the flow. Dont be bitter, its not worth it.

A tangled web of people and words.

I'm glad we could talk this out in a mature manner.
Yes we broke alot of promises, but did it really take all this just for you to realize it?
I mean, I guess thats okay considering that atleast you cared enough to apologize.
But dont compare youself to me, dont put me on a pedestal.
Even if its a compliment, youre still passing judgement which seems unfair since we dont talk very often and people change, so you cant really be sure that you know who I am anymore.
And your words looks beautiful as I read them but honestly, I dont know what to believe from you. You seem to have many different sides and thats a little bit confusing.
And hey, my inbox says you wrote me at 11:11, did you remember to make a wish?

Well anyway, maybe I'll actually tell you that sometime instead of just thinking of it.

Hello old aquaintance...

Nice talking to you. I really loved the tension you brought into the conversation. I love how your so quick to judge me. I really appreciate how you think you can just come in and out of my life whenever you please. Whenever you're bored and feel the need to screw something up. That was really just what I needed right now. Thanks.

I had the choice to say nothing, which was what you expected, or tell you off which was what you were looking for. I decided not to be what you expected.
You were exactly as I expected though, ignorant and arrogant as always.

Have we lost ourselves?

I wish I had a picture of the moment we were car dancing to the backstreet boys in your moms car. But I dont think you can take a picture of emotions. You cant really capture happiness in a photograph. People can be good actors. And there is always a story behind the faces.

Thunder storm & a movie.

I just watched the movie Seven Pounds. If you have not seen it, you absolutely have too.
I cried at the end. Awesome movie.

Ask youself the questions that you know you just can't answer till tomorrow...

I need some one to give me a new reason why we have people who constantly remind us of our mistakes and failures. I have more regrets in my own conscience that would just add to the list. And theres so much pressure to be perfect, when that is just so irrelevant. Do people really hate being wrong so much that they will attempt to justify the most insane ideas?

You can't control me with fear. I'm sorry but that just doesnt work as well as it used to.

You cant talk to people like theyre nothing..

I dont want to be a wasted life.
But theres nothing I can do.


Or maybe theres everything, and I just lack the ambition, the confidence to accomplish it.

Remembering you, how you used to be.

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind

Leave this heart of clay, see you walk, walk away

Into the night and through the rain

Into the half-light and through the flame

If I could through myself set your spirit free

I'd lead your heart away

See you break, break away

Into the light and to the day

Sweatshirts.

I wore your sweatshirt today. It actually isnt yours, because I never got the chance to give it to you. And you never had the chance to let me wear it. So I'm letting myself wear it. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But I remembered when you made up nicknames for us. You were a good thing then.

"Because it was something good that happened and he wasnt willing to let it go..."

I think I'm the type of person who has a lot of faith.
I have faith in people. But I don't know why.
Because all the people I've met have given me a reason to be dissapointed.
But I know that people have the ability to change their lives, if they find the strength.
And I think that is why I can have faith.
I have faith in love because I know it is good.
I'm not afraid of being in love, or even being hurt.
I'm afraid of what will happen if I keep on feeling nothing.

"I'm not broke, I'm just a broken hearted man"

I'm currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I love this book.

I remember in the fall and winter when I would sit in this room at night and think about how everything had become all the same, so mundane and empty. But there has to be something because I'm still here, still wondering.

My confirmation was yesterday evening. The bishop talked about how God has a plan for everyone. But I think that plans are only plans until they are turned into actions. And the actions are left up to us.
Unsuprisingly disrespectful, my dad complained how the service was boring.
And excessivly overreacting, my mother took too many pictures and talked way too loud.
They sat on opposite sides of the church with different people.
I dont think either of them congratulated me, unless you count the 'contratulations' written on my cake. They were pretty distracted with being the center of attention. My stepdad never said a word to me, even when I was right next to him at the reception. My sister told me she fell asleep. My 8 year old cousin gave me the biggest hug. My older cousin, my sponsor told me I did a good job. Oh, and the bishop told me he liked my hair. weird?
People gave me money and pretty cards. My aunt gave me lotion that smells good. My grandma gave me an angel necklace.
I bought my mom a book for mothers day. I think she'll like it alot. The title is Perfectly Imperfect, and I cant think of the author, but shes the wife of some news reporter, and I would check but I already wrapped it like four days ago because I was so excited that I picked out a good present.

I didnt mean for this post to be so long, but then I had all these thoughts.
I'll close with what I wrote in my journal on monday, may 4th.

I love you no matter what.

You made me feel special.

I want to feel infinite.

And the sunsets arent so beautiful when the people are so ugly.

We didnt light a candle for uncle Gene today. We should have. We should have every week, we shouldnt have stopped. We should remember.

I miss the pink sunsets on our street. I miss the way the christmas tree looked last year.
I miss driving slow. I miss going to the river. I miss doing my hair the way I used to.
I miss being inspired and passionate. I dont know who I am.

Revise and Restate.

The rescue was today. I couldnt make it, I wore my invisible children shirt though.
I had my retreat for my comfirmation today.
It was extemely warm out today.

I was told I was stupid today, and that the only reason people make donations for things is to get tax deductions and that apparently its not even worth it because you dont get completely reimbursed. I was told as if it was a common fact. Like the sky is blue, oh and people are cruel and only care about money and themselves. I'm sorry if I find it hard to believe the second one.

I believe that not everyone is stupid. People have the ability to change their lives.
I believe people should be respectful no matter what.
I believe that people should set good examples.

I would like to tell the guy who planned our retreat today, that I am so sorry we were somewhat out of control. I think we are used to dealing with people who dont care. About anything. I could see how you felt bad that we were not well behaved. You deserve the biggest apology, and I very much regret not saying this to you today. You cared so much about our faith, I dont think many people realized that. If they had, I'm sure everyone would have been so much more respectful. I'm sorry. I appreciated you organizing this retreat. I'm beginning to take this commitment seriously, thank you for helping me learn about it.

I was told about the donation/tax deduction thing by my stepdad ( he also told me about my being stupid ). I said that That's not why I would donate, if I wanted to donate to the diabetes research I would do it because I wanted them to find a cure for diabetes, not because it would save me money. And he says, The only reason people donate is to get tax deductions. He said it in such a way like I should feel stupid for not knowing that. And I was in tears as I was talking to him. They werent noticed though, maybe because it was dark. I thought that everyone knew that donations ar supposed to be for the benefit of other people, and if you dont do it for that then you would atleast lie. But to think that somone I know well can think that people are so terrible at heart. To think that this is the person who is married to my mother, the father of my half brother. It horrified me. I didnt say anything to him after that.

I look up alot to my grandma mary.
I helped her for some of my community service.
Its pretty amazing how people can say so much with so few words.
To me she is an example of respect and faith and courage and hope and strength.
I think about how my stepdad seems to have had a pretty tough life, from what he tells me.
My grandma Mary has had a tough life I would say, and she is the most honest, respectful, faithful person I know. It takes alot of strength and faith and hope to be that.
I am thankful that I have her to look up to.

To my dysfunctional family:

I think that we could have given more than $5 to the collection in church today.
And I think we could have gotten through the day with out arguing.
I think you could care about something larger than you, larger than us.
But I also think you might die without making a significantly good impact on anything, or anyone.
Maybe I am naive, but why shouldnt we live for something, someone else?
You dont have much of a life. I'm sorry, but I take it personally that your own children are not enough to get up in the morning and do something for. Or atleast talk to.
I am not a chore, not something to be taken care of because it has to be.
You are not providing happy environment for me to live in, hence I am not happy.
Honestly I feel taken for granted, and insulted that you cant even make up simple conversation with me.
I've realized that this entire family is incapable of communicating with anyone in any way, and I am offended by that.
Its pathetic that you still think sending me to my room is acceptable punishment, because all it has resulted in is this post. Which you might never see.
I think you should have offered to help me write my confirmation essay today, because I really needed help.
I think you should have talked to me about this faith that I've been learning about.
I think that you should have set a respectful and responsible example for me.
And, I think that it is not to late, but as of now I am not proud at all to call you my parents.

And you know, I was beginning to think I was the problem. But I can only bend so much for someone who does appreciate me.

Mhmm. sunburn.

I'm sitting in my guest bedroom.
There was a bug in my room, so I ran away from it like a little kid.
Its almost 2 in the morning, and I am giving up on this allnighter on facebook with my friends.
I bought an invisible children shirt tonight. And a LOVE hoodie.
I have my confirmation retreat on the day of the Rescue, so I cant make it...
I got sunburn today. I got a new cell phone.
I am tired of this life. It doesnt mean enough...

Because people need to live for more...

I spent last night with my friends.
It made me feel very shallow.
Its scary how closed mindedness is something that people fall into so easily.
Superficiality is so common.
We get so wrapped up in our own lives, but we dont realize that our lives are all intertwined.

We are so screwed up.
And its not okay.

invisible children

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/media/videos/detail.php?id=1674150070

Because people need to live for more, and the invisible children need more to live.

"It blinded us from everything less than perfect."
Real love must be the kind where when you're reminded of it, the first things that come to mind are the good things. Its the kind of thing that's easy to let go of because you have no regrets. I'm unable to think of one thing that I could have done differently, because I'm happy I have this to look back on. Its pathetic, and melodramatic, and young, and stupidly cliche. But its pure.

Its so pure that it still remains in the background of our hearts, underneath all the change and highschool. It doesnt have the ability to thrive in this atmosphere of gossip and deceit. It only has the ability to remind us that our world was once lit up by someone elses smile, that we got butterflies in our stomachs, and when we looked at eachother we couldnt see anyone else.

"love is not being perfect, its about seeing an imperfect person perfectly"
And that's exactly what he did.

But letting go is a choice that I'm not ready to live by...

Every day I wonder what you think about me. Its something I've gotten used to.
Every day I think of some way I could have made you stay. kept you waiting.
Every day I think about how far we've drifted, and how its my fault.
I think about how we were so far away, so far from being anything at all.
And I'm afraid of being nothing again. I act out of fear, and I try to find myself.
And each day I wonder what you would think of her. And I wonder why that matters to me.
I wish all our promises were unbroken.

Its so scary to think that your gone now.
After I've tried to tell myself so many times, its hard to believe.
You were just always there for me to call, and you arent coming back this time.
Its like you've died in my subconscious, but in reality you've just forgotten.
This is more painful than I thought it would be.
This is my closure.

Teenage

Teenage heartbreak. So melodramatic. So overrated.
I wish I'd been so cliche, so pathetic.
Instead I'm suffocated...

Is it enough to love, is it enough to breathe?

Stupid spanish teacher. Stupid friends. Stupid homework. Stupid parents.

In religion and church last sunday I realized a few things.
I remembered a song that says "fear is the heart of love", and the sign on the methodist church by my house that said those who fear god have faith in him (or something along those lines). I realized that having love for God is similar to having love for a person. It's fearless. For example, if we are not afraid to love then we might find it. I guess its hard for me to belive, or comprehend that God loves me so much. So much that he sacrificed himself, his only son. I think I'm afraid of that much love. And I'm afraid to have that much faith. I'm afraid I wont be strong enough. In comparison to a relationship between people, I would say that God and I are friends. I think that you can learn to overcome fears, and then love takes its place. Trust is a learned process and lerning takes time...

Well, spring break is next week. Hopefully I'm not grounded. Its snowing in april, as I listen to music from better times.

"Words must mean something." -Barrack Obama

It kills me how people have so little hope. So little faith, responsibility, respect. If we want a change, we have to have faith in making that change. We have to have hope that it will happen.
Not much has been accomplished with no one having faith in it.
http://news.aol.com/main/obama-presidency/article/obama-nuclear-weapons/412784?icid=mainmaindl1link3http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Fmain%2Fobama-presidency%2Farticle%2Fobama-nuclear-weapons%2F412784

It also bothers me how people use the phrase "nobody's perfect" but they have not come to terms with the imperfection in the world. I belive that is truely insane. People that have lived in this world for longer than I have, and do not understand that happiness does not come with perfection, and that it is only an emotion, completely untangible, that we have every bit of control over.

And the inability to trust. It is understandable why people would be hesitant to trust someone else. We've all been hurt, we've all put up some walls. But treating someone like dirt on a first encounter. That is rude, reguardless of what you've been through. Complaining on and on over someone's honest mistake. Terribly rude, and unnecessary. And we are surrounded by it every day. Bitterness.

I believe that we have a constant battle between good and evil. Right and wrong. Light and darkness. Every decision we make, every word we speak. We can help or we can hurt, constructive or destructive. There are people that dont understand how smiling when you talk to someone can lighten their mood. And It's crazy that people can get so distracted with things that dont matter. Parents working so much that they're missing out on shaping a person's life for the better. And they remain ignorant even when it is brought to their attention. That is when the darkness finds an advantage. It thrives on ignorance.

open ended.

I cannot believe I was almost content with this.
The people surrounding me, sucking the creativity and inspiration right out of me.
I am mad. I would like to have some new people in my life. And that is a growing process, I know. Maybe I am just impatient.
I've recently started believing that words are our greatest form of communication, and we should use them wisely. Conversation in general is so important. Some people would rather waste time talking about things that dont matter, or things they cant control. Life is a gift, why would we ever waste time on things that are so irrelevant.
I was looking back at an old poetry project I had done for english class earlier in the year. We had to pick poems that we could relate to, and elaborate on how it made us feel, etc.
I was a different person. I just wrote, so honest, completely inspired. I could feel it as a I re-read my own words. And I can think of more words now, I feel re-inspired.
The proof of my honesty and inspiration comforts me now. It shows me where I've been and how far I've come. And where I'm going.
Ironically, I've been working on a research paper about the positive and negative effects of divorce on children. I had choses this topic initially because I am interested in how children develop and what affects them, and also ( somewhat subconciously) because my parents have been divorced for a few years. I hadnt applied my research to myself until just a few minutes ago. I have experienced the negative emotional effects where 'the child becomes insecure, mistrustful, overburdened, has a fear of commitment and betrayal, which often leads to solitude.' I have also experienced the positive effects where 'the child learns to become emotionally stronger and mature for future situations and relationships. This is because people have the ability to change their lives and trust is a learned process.'
I also believe that conversation and connecting with people is a learned process since that involves trusting.

I bet the kids in africa would be jealous of my freedom to experience those types of things... It must be horrible not to be surrounded by morals. Right and wrong. I cannot even imagine how they live, how they feel. Just surviving day by day. There is genocide going on. These people should be taught morals. We should send some philosiphers over to africa. We should give them paper and pencils and teach them how to write and express. That is completely different from "peace keepers" and military force. Its basic freedom of expression. ...And I know it's probably more complicated than that. But we could try.

We are all just stretched too thin.

I have an essay to write. I have a poster to make. I have a headache. I have to wake up early tomorrow. I have no time this weekend. My mom has college classes. Jimmy has a meeting in Manhattan. I have to take a shower. I have to write a story in spanish. I have to get some sleep tonight. I have to pick out an outfit for tomorrow. I have to stop procrastinating.
I have to keep going.

Bad news.

I hardly ever watch the news, however after one tree hill tonight it came on and I decided to watch some of it.
Lots of people died today. Alot of people were arrested today. Alot of people did drugs today. Alot of families were hurt today. Alot of lives have been damaged today. And Tomorrow it will start all over again.
People are running out of money. No one is happy with anything. Lives were lost. But its going to be sunny tomorrow. People are dying in third world countries. But Barrack Obama promotes environmentally safe cars. And americans are unhapy because we have taxes to pay. Who the fuck cares anymore. No one ever has enough of anything.

Does the world care who died in a plane crash? or who got shot today? or who got arrested? It doesnt. What is the point of informing people of these things, if nothing is done about it? Life is falling apart all around us, we see it on the news every day. And we do nothing.

I think the greatest cause of depression in the u.s. could be watching the news.

Syracuse.

I have no school tomorrow, superintentends day.

I am leaving for syracuse on saturday with my best friend and her family.

I am so excited because I love her and her entire family. They're basically my own.

I never get to see her anymore, and we both have had a pretty rough couple of weeks so I am very much looking forward to this weekend.

We're probably a weird pair of friends. Its so hard for us to take eachother seriously. When one of us gets mad, the other finds it hilarious. We have no idea why. we can be serious about things things though, we kind of just keep eachother grounded.

I miss her alot. haha, even though I see her everyday at school... we have no classes together and our lockers are miles apart. I'm not kidding about our lockers, the school is gigantic.

Sometimes, the beauty is in the attempt...

Why wasnt I the type of child who asked questions?
Why cant they talk to me now?
I just let everyone give up on me.
and my room is messy and i complain too much and I cry durring stupid tv shows.
I just want to have a conversation.
But I can barely breathe. And I hate this room. I forgot to make wish tonight.
You werent here. You said you alway would be. We Lied. I'm So Sorry. I want to be like I was before. I had a reason to cry, but now I have no reasons for anything.
What if my mom takes me back to that psychologist? What if I dont know how to answer her questions?
Maybe bitterness is a part of life, part of what drives us.
I think I need to go see uncle peter.
But does bitterness drive us to do horrible things?

Tell me, who's life am I changing? Who's life is changing mine?
Do we want to be unknown? Because everyone I see is actually hidden.

I miss friend Kim. She wasnt hidden, she was there. I dont know where she is now.
She probably found someplace happy, with her pretty dress and hippie purse.
She talked to me. Even if it wasnt for my sake.
I let people give up on me.

If I could open my eyes, and see in all directions at the same time...

11:11 make a wish.

Crap... I always take too long to make one and then it changes to 11:12. EVERY TIME.

Anyway... Its kinda late and I have school tomorrow. Sorry if my last post seemed a little random and out of place. I have random thoughts like that sometimes...

"And its true what you say, that I live like a hermit in my own head.

But when the sun shines again, I'll pull the curtains to let the light in."

How can you sleep at a time like this? Unless the dreamer is the real you...

I fell asleep watching the suite life of zack and cody with my sister a few minutes ago.
She's the only one who completely understands my sense of humor, and how terrified I am of my mother. I'm so immature with her. But maybe I was meant to live with the maturity level of a 12 year old. Life is more fun that way.
I'm listening to the guy from yellowcard's new band. Its pretty good.
I might go watch a dodgeball tournament at my school later. Maybe not though, cause I'm kinda depending on one of my friends to go and she alwasy bails at the last second.
I want to go swimming for some reason. I want to wear short shorts. But its only 37 degrees out =/. I want summer to be here, and I want it to go by so fast. I want to have tons of fun, but I want to remember how to be serious.
I want to go shopping this weekend. I'm really eager to buy some new spring clothes. I can't go with any of my friends though, theyre so... boring. They never try on random things just for fun. Not even when I ask them. It kills my mood. I could go with my sister... it depends if we're in the mood to be with eachother that day. ...We have bipolar moments.

"You are the one that I need, you know that I can still breathe. Bring me back to life, bring me back to life."

I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm not bitter, but I'm nostalgic.
Do you know how it feels to have someone give up on you after you know they cared so much and waited so long and you let them down, and then they just left you behind, forgotten, but you still remember everything about how it used to be, but its gone now and today is so much better, but in some ways its not and you miss everything about the past but you're also glad its over??

Hm, I wish I could take an art class.

Well I bought a new journal at borders the other day.

now I have like 3. And I got the book 'It's kind of funny story' by ned vizzini and some other book by the lady that wrote sisterhood of the traveling pants. I'd tell you the name of it but my lazyness prevents me from getting up and walking 2 feet to get it.

Note to self:

For future reference, PMS is no excuse for eating anything you want anytime you want. Because two weeks later, it does not make you feel anybetter to be carrying around the extra pounds.

I have a few essays to write tonight and I am majorly procrastinating. I've already picked out my outfit for tomorrow.

I want to see you with stars in your eyes, I want to see us unruled and happy.

I've started two drafts, but I feel like I have nothing to write about.
I left my notebook at my dads house. Shit. I just realized.
I'm making a poster about italy... its quite boring.
I have other things on my mind, but I feel like they are no longer significant...

The other night in class, my religion teacher said that he belives God put us here for a purpose. That he believes there must be a reason. I dont know why, but he seemed scared to me. Maybe scared that we dont believe what he is saying. Or maybe that he could be wrong. Or maybe that so many other people doubt him. Or maybe that he knows he wont reach a majority of us with his beliefs... To be honest, I'm not sure what I believe in, but I know we werent mean to waste our lives away.

Mission Statement.

I posted this back in december. It was actually an assignment for english class. We were supposed to write mission statements. The teachers never ended up having us finish it. I guess they had too much other stuff planned. It helped me alot though. It reminded me why english is my favorite class. It makes me proud that I have goals now, and I know who I am. Or atleast, I'm figuring it out. Well here it is.

I will treat others with the respect I want in return.
I will remember not to take things for granted.
I will accept others for who they are.
I will have the courage to be honest, confident, and step outside my comfort zone.
I will keep an open mind and a positive attitude.
I will apologize when I should.
I will make good decisions and work hard for what I want.
I will remember that no one is perfect, and when I fall I will get back up.
I will know that things dont always go the way I plan,
and I will make the best of it.
I will remember that sometimes I have to let things go,
and to never stop moving forward with my life.
I will know that I am a strong person.
And I have the choice to be happy.

Bitterness.

We all have something wrong with us.
Like the dump behind the hudson river.
We're misplaced and imperfect.
And sometimes people will point out our imperfections.
Tell us our mistakes, even if we already know them.
People will take a beautiful thing, and pick it to peices.
Bitterness.

And its true we named our children after towns that we've never been to.

People become so bitter. Makes me realize that we all have a hidden darkness.
Something we're scared of. Something we dream of.
Or nothing.
Sometimes we have nothing.
Reguardless, Giving up is not an option.
Nothing is ever set in stone.
Even in black & white, there is still gray.

Could have loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold....

Things are complicated. parents friends... everyone else.
I'm listening to taylor swift, trying to calm myself down...
Her songs are so honest, alot of them bring me to tears.


My best friends birthday party is tomorrow.
I had to turn down a babysitting offer.
But honestly, I'd rather be babysitting.

Maybe real love is the kind that doesnt come with apology letters.

Remember to smile when things go wrong.
Remember that imperfection is as good as it will get.

I miss the times when everything was just simple.
People were who they were, and we knew what we were doing.
Everything was comfortable.
The sunsets are more beautiful from my street.
Our whole world fades pink.
Or atleast, it used to be our world.
I dont know who we are anymore.

I want to go back to when I knew.
If there ever was a time...

I needed someone to tell me that there were no answers.
That there is no explanation for why things happened the way they did.
I needed someone to tell me that I had to get on with my life.

Summer 07.
Alot happened. I lived it, and moved on.
With help from my best friend, and she didnt even know it.
Theres some things that really only a best friend could understand.
And now everything is pulling me back.
He made me smile like no one else could. With those eyes.
That was love. Wether we knew it or not.
I think I've forgotten how to feel that way for someone.
I tried to forget all about him, because of the lies, the hurt.
Maybe real love is the kind that doesnt come with apology letters.
And yes, it is gone now. But it was there.
We were blinded.
True love is blind.
I think that is the only way love can exist. Unconditional. Blind.

I lied to myself when I made those promises to a stranger.
The stranger who I used as a distraction.
Only made things more complicated than what I was running from.
And I'm realizing now, what is real and what isnt.
Love is real wether its announced or not.
Sometimes one look can say it all.
One smile.
It blinded us from everything less than perfect.
It worked so well.
When you love someone, You just know.
I cant believe I'm just remembering this.
I was in love once.
Forever was not an issue. It was more perfect than I knew.
I wish I had a picture.

In a silent sea, anyone would drown.

This is my third blog entry of the night.

I want to re-fill my walls with new things.
But I dont want to unpack my bags.
Because they hold my hopes of leaving this young empty life.

Familiar songs comfort me tonight...
No use crying, get on with your life... breathe...

I came down here to tell you, it rains in heaven all day long...

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."-Rene Magritte

Maybe we are better off not knowing.
Why do we need to figure everything out?
If we knew every little thing that was going on in this world, wouldnt that be sad?
To know that some people are happy while other people are dying.
To feel such diverse emotions so strongly and simultaneously.
God must feel tortured up in heaven... to know everything that is going on in our world.
And when I think about it, maybe we are all made to be a little bit bipolar.
Split personalities. Maybe people are born both good and bad. And then we are all just left to decide which one we want to be. All on our own. We all have to make the decision for ourself, alone. And yet we are together in the fact that we are all trying to decide over the same two options. And maybe the lines between good and bad, right and wrong are blurred sometimes.
Or maybe there is no such thing.

I love how this quote I posted basically says that when you try to interpret and analyze the world, it only becomes more complicated. And yet I do it anyway. We do it anyway...

How's your halo?

We're all damaged.

My head is as empty as my walls.

I want... someone I can call and talk to who will listen to me and make me feel better.

And I had that, and it is gone now.

Gone with all those letters and diaries and notes that I tore to peices.

My past has been torn apart and thrown away, and I have nothing left to remind me who I am or what I want or what I've learned. Its all gone. Forgotten.

And

I want it back. All of it.

I would write it all down, to remember. I would remember it all, no matter how much it would hurt at the time. Because now, I would kill to have those memories again.

'with my cup of coffee, and all those caring people...'

They take care of eachother, and they learned that from eachother.
They're not perfect, but they're happy.
And I stood among them as a guest. Happy to be a part of a moment in their lives.
I just took it all in.
I didnt realize it then, but I was copying that moment into my memory.
Wether they remember me or not, that moment will always resemble happiness to me.
I wish I could have taken a picture.

too many locks, too many lies, too many tears, too many cries, too many barriers...

Something makes me want to retreat back into the darkess that I stayed in for so long.
Hide in the emptiness where nothing can touch me.
Where I cant hurt anyone, and I cant be hurt.
But theres no way, because no matter what I do someone is unhappy and it is my fault.

I'm trying to write something meaningful. Something beautiful and touching. But I cant think of words to reach anyone. All I can think is that I needed an apology. Needed meaning it is too late now. Now, what I need is a change. And that is all I have ever asked for, but somehow everything is my fault.

Why are we bitter?
That is what I cant stand in the people around me.
That is what I tried so hard not to be.
But then I look in the mirror, and the eyes I see are bitter and tired.

I make mistakes. But why are they overlooked until they can be shoved in my face.
I cannot handle every single thing I have ever done wrong thrown at me at once.
Its not healthy to have happen, and its not a healthy thing to learn.
I learn from my mistakes. Its not like I am incapable of learning.
All this punishment is unnecessary.

It's hard for me to believe that I went from utter happiness, to a total mess in the length of one weekend.

And I just want to go back.
To suanne's car on the way to the beach.
To lauren's house with my cup of coffee, and all those caring people.
To my living room with my little brother watching movies.
But I cant go back.

I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like you, because it gives and it takes away...